Sissy Sufferer
I ALWAYS feel weak when crisis hits. When it hits the fan, I panic. I scream. I kick. I cry. I cuss. I wallow in self pity. I get angry with God. I want 5 Coronas. And when the trial begins to pass, I look back at my reaction and feel weak. Why? Because the church has taught me that when I crumble within this fragile mind of mine, I am not close enough to God. When I get angry and want to beat on the very chest of my Creator, I am wrong. When death surrounds me, I should give thanks and glorify God.
But I don’t want to. If I wake up tomorrow and my pops has kicked the can, excuse me, but I won’t even try to pull off a Oswald Sanders, Spiritual Leadership moment. And It’s OK. I feel pretty close with my Creator at this moment. But I will be a mess. And it’s OK. I will sprint towards the core of God with revenge in my soul. And it’s OK. I will be pissed at Him. And it’s O.K.
John Piper has recently battled cancer and wrote a letter in the face of his trail. And I quote…
This news has, of course, been good for me. The most dangerous thing in the world is the sin of self-reliance and the stupor of worldliness. The news of cancer has a wonderfully blasting effect on both. I thank God for that. The times with Christ in these days have been unusually sweet.
I read that and many of the comments surrounding it and felt the lie of self doubt creep over me. I could never write that. Once again Piper showed me that I have a LONG way to go. But tonight. I recant my minds statement. I rest in the chaos of my mind. Because it was Christ himself, who questioned His own suffering on the cross.
Find freedom in your suffering.
Los
RAIN IT DOWN
Honesty is the best policy.
I think God would rather you be honest and raw about your emotions and feelings… He’d want you to dump the load at His feet and hash it out with Him.
Anything less would be pretentious, Phariseeical, religious charade.
Be a man! Be real.
Joel Osteen was not his usual chipper self last night and kicked my creative-emotional tail to peices over my tendancy to look more like David and less like Paul. Different personalities and tempernments, I say! But what is the character of Christ? My pastor says the evidence of “filling of the Spirit” is best seen in the development of the fruit of the Spirit in my life. Reading the Israelities journey not long ago, God showed me where his plan for them in all their trials was to teach them what worship REALLY was.
As I worshipper…lead worshipper…I realized how fickle I am, too. How my “real emotions” were keeping me from “real faith” that protected my core.
The “shield of faith” and “belt of truth” in my life are still weak, leaving me hit by the flaming arrows of life. I get so embarrassed that I let myself get hit by trying to shoulder too much myself. If I just believed his word to the dead and trusted him to take care of anything that threatens to hit my “loins…my core, my center”…I’d be much better off.
I want to be mature like John Piper…and not to look or sound more spiritual…it’s just because I’m killing myself walking around without armor on. WE WEREN’T BUILD TO TAKE THE PAIN.
That’s why I didn’t say I was sorry you went through some “attack”. I think every time God sees fit to challenge and test us, we come out of it more prepared as a soldier the next time. Who wants to waste time every time “stuff” hits us? People I admire and respect the most aren’t as “fake” as I once judged. They’ve just learned to be like a duck and let a lot roll off their back…or they aren’t going to make it. God is calling you to more and more responsibility, visibility and challenge.
Feel the pain of David, and work out out at the end of your Psalm so that you can keep facing the battle.
Sorry that got long. Just don’t have a blog to write today…here mine is!
believed his word to the “death” that was supposed to read.
Wrote while doing morning mom kitchen duty…sorry such a spell-check-needing nightmare!
man, how did I have these same thoughts in the shower this morning? I was imagining what my reaction would be to God if something went “wrong” today…or tomorrow. If my being was shaken to the core, I’d have questions and I’d shake my fist at Him. I’ve done it before and I’m sad to say, that would probably be my first reaction. However, the last time I did it, I ran, for a while. As I thought this morning, I got the inclination that I wouldn’t run so much this time. I was miserable last time, so maybe I would just fit and rage, then I’d just fall on Him. That’s the response I hope I would have. Anything else would be deadly for me, I know it would.
I think that all of us, down to the core and back to the skin are all the same. We can pretend that we are something different…but the truth is, we are all the same…inside and out.
Every emotion you just described has been thought of so many days of my life. You are an incredible writer. I wish I had something as great to write, but you really described how I feel and have felt before.
I got really challenging news today and it’s very hard to not just throw a royal hissy fit. After all this talk, I’m at least choosing to postpone that until God proves unfaithful on this issue. We’ll see how that approach proves itself. (Where’s the chocolate?)
Deep. I feel it this way. Not everything is part of a linear plot line. Some things are not the way they are supposed to be this side of heaven, so life sucks because of us, not God. However, this is not God’s hand–disease for instance, or being a victim of crime. It is His GRACE that makes sense out of suffering. It all really will never make sense this side of heaven. Does it have to?