The Mess In My Head
It was one of those days. I got home last night exhausted. Multiple vaccinations, 4 hours of thinking meetings in a row, Heath Leadger dies, A buddy resigns from a church because of bad choices, I get lost driving over an hour away, I fall on the escalator at work and rip my jeans because I am just that guy, I attend my very first parent teacher conference hoping the teacher would not show me a picture Sohaila drew of her, her sister, her brother, and her mommy while the teacher looks endearingly at me like…”You are not in the picture dad”.
All of these things combined pushed me over.
Over what?
Well, I was trying to fall asleep on the sofa and I lost it. I missed normalcy. I missed my friends. I missed my old church. I missed people who loved me before I made this decision to move. I missed my band. I missed my house.
So I started crying like I used to do when I was six and the sky was falling. Alone.
So I did what I always do.
I walked to the bedroom…looked at the 3 ladies in my life…grabbed the 5 year old…and took her back to the sofa where she woke up just enough to smile and say…”Daddy.” Then she hugged me and fell asleep close enough I could feel her nose breath.
We slept like that all night.
And remarkably, it fixed my world.
She fixed my world.
Just the mess in my head.
Los
RAIN IT DOWN
and this is why we have children. if only they knew.
I so know that feeling.
Both the feeling of struggle, and the feeling of a loved one coming into ‘fix’ my world.
Grace and peace…
Wow…what an amazingly honest post. I’m sure there’s going to be a lot of people who will identify with that…myself included.
My wife and two girls are going to be where you’re at in about 3 or 4 months. We’ll be leaving our established home, friends and church to move somewhere completely new and start a church with people we don’t even know yet.
It’s going to have to be God that gets me through it because there are times when I don’t know how it’s all going to come together.
Thanks for being real with us.
Brad Ruggles
http://www.bradruggles.com
I have loved reading your blog! Your post challenges me to be more real, every day!
ok dude…i’ve never met you in person and you are about to make me cry…not sure if that is cool or not. thanks for being honest.
shalom
I love your honesty and authenticity.
It’s…refreshing.
i need a kid.
A big hug and kissing the “boo boo” isn’t just for 2 year olds…
I know the feeling.
Know that you are felt, my friend.
That does the trick for me every time as well!
I had a moment like that with my little one last night, too. There is nothing better – it almost make all the crap worth it – just so you can have those moments…
I feel like I wrote that post. I’m praying for you Los. I feel it too. Some days are incredible but as incredible as they are they don’t compare to the pain on the bad days. God give Carlos confidence in his decisions. Restore peace to his heart. Sell his house. Buy him a new one. Bless him God. Thank you for his humility and friendship.
Yesterday was a strange, sad day, indeed.
And I can relate to what you’re saying, even though I don’t have a family of my own just yet. My latest post was looking back at a bit of a breaking point. Usually my “fixing moments” come when I’m in the midst of the community of believers I’ve found here…and then God shows up and blows us all away with the simplicity and profundity of the moment.
Thanks, Los. I think I needed to read this today.
I hear you man…the first year after we left a church we loved to start a new church was the most emotionally exhausting period in my life. Thoughts that I never fathomed being possible seemed to bombard my messed up mind. We just about quit and went back…but thank God we stuck it out! The last two years have been the most excellent ever…may you experience the same blessing and many more!
Praise God every day for your children, they are awesome, they are your walking resume, your legacy, your heritage, what you leave behind. I pray and long everyday for a child, when you have blessed with children, you have found favor with God. Thanks for the awesome post, I felt this way last week. Thanks.
I hate those days where your head won’t leave you alone. All you want to do is get out of it. Good for you by going to one of THE BEST therapists around, your kids.
Loving your openness…God Bless you, Carlos.
i hate those days. Sunday was that for me, but i dont have kids….
seriously this post made me cry.
Thanks for posting such honest statements.
My wife and I are changing churches, and even though it isn’t nearly as large of a decision as yours was (we’ll still be in the same town – just serving at a different church), the emotions are still there just the same.
So thanks for reminding me (once again) that we aren’t alone in what we’re experiencing.
There must have been something in the air yesterday. The same day, after over a month of wrestling with this decision, I turned down a position that would have allowed me to enter full-time ministry (my main passion in life) and plant a church with my brother. God gave me the clarity I needed to turn it down, and it sucked. I was raring and ready to go, and God decided that he has something bigger in store for me and my family. Consequently, that combined with being offered another “day job” and about a thousand other things, yesterday was the pinnacle of overwhelmingness for me (is that a word?). I’ll be praying for you man. I know life is nuts sometimes. But just know that if you’re doing God’s will, he’ll give you moments like you had last night to help you get through them.
Thanks for being open and honest on here like no one else I know can (or is). You are a breath of fresh air every day.
Josh
Redemptive community is a beautiful thing! Praying for you bro!
we love you and glad that you are here!!!!!!!!
los:
i gotta tell you. i was thinking about your blog yesterday, how you put a lot of quick videos, discussion starters, and tips on here. and everyonceinawhile you’ll hit us all with a candid glimpse into your world.
thanks for another glimpse – i think that’s the stuff that keeps this blog going.
blessings,
mandy
Carlos you are an Awesome Dad….Thanks for being open and honest.
I completely relate! I live in these moments on an almost daily basis… being a single mom of four has it’s privileges!
Oye! I totally understand this.
Dallas is still home and will be for a while I imagine.
Los,
Been there. Part of being the dad is to hang on through all the craziness of life and come out sane on the other side. You’ve made a better choice that your friend who had to resign his position.
Pete
aww…
tear.
That was so sweet and sad and then sweet again.
My nearly-21 year old girl still calls me daddy. It still has that same effect.
Hey friend. Don’t forget to take vacations. I’m sure Andy will make you eventually.
if you feel like taking everyone to disney world in orlando, we’ve got a place for you to stay!
Dude – Sounds like your estrogen levels are low! Kiddin!
Hang in there man and savor the season in your life. Painful but learning . . . 5 year old little girls have a way of giving perspective to things.
Mourn with thous who mourn (Romans 12:15) You were sad, mourning loss that comes from change and growth. It hurts, even what is good for us, hurts sometimes. BUT I love to say BUT, God gives us what we need in that second to get to the next second and before long, we have passed the test, mourning lets up, peace keeps us and we live another day.
Rock on!!
the community and love on this blog is amazing…
my favorite part of the day is checking on my two girls right before i go to bed. It is amazing the impact kids have on your life!
It does not matter where you are at, everyone has those days. It is called stress. Stress pushes us and gives us the opportunity to rest and fill in the newly created gaps. It think it is called growth. Keep growing.
yeah….i don’t know you, you don’t know me, but man can i ever relate with fallin on the escalator! welcome to my life – the life of a blonde clutz! i open drinks and shake them with the tops off, frequently spill stuff on myself, trip almost every day, and run into things often…need i go on.
Bro
I’m feeling your emotion. Just made the move from ATL to Seattle a year ago and I’ve felt that same thing. In the midst…it does feel good to know your right in the middle of God’s will for your life. Praying for you today Los.
LL
score respect points for carlos.
Wow.
I have had more than one day like that. I have walked into our boys’ rooms many times well after they have fallen asleep just to watch them and tell them how much I love them. Even though they can’t hear me, it somehow makes everything better. If only a little.
Then I get back up the next day and go after it again.
Thanks for the post and thanks for not beating me up to bad on Twitter.
i’m sorry, los. i have to post an inside twitter joke @B (one comment above)
urbandictionary.com meaning of “to”
1. gay abbreviation of “too”
it simply had to be done. please forgive me.
you made my wife cry.
How the heck can we be significant (career) people and still be home to witness every priceless moment? There’s so much I want to accomplish in my life, but I also very much want to be home…and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to add more hours to the day.
This is what haunts us Type-A people every night…as we roll in the door at midnight.
Just had to say God bless you! As cliche as that has become in our age.
That was really sweet and so real. Thanks for such a candid post Los. Having three children – I totally understand.
dude I love stopping into your blog randomly. You are just real, that’s it.
I have those days often… Exhausted, being away from family, friends, my nephew and separated from my twin bro. I only wish I had a family to come home to. You are extremely blessed and we’re happy you’re a part of our new family.
They have a way of doing that. I can pick up my 1 year old daughter and the whole world stops, if only for a moment.