I Cried A Good Cry
You know what I’m talking about. The one where you can’t quite catch your breath and your nostrils are flared like Kong himself.
I had a HARD day. Real hard. I was not sure why. Nothing sucked. Things went pretty well. I just had a yearning.
Around 4 o’clock I asked God what it was. He said nothing.
Then when I got to my office I sat down in my little corner where I hide from everyone who gets off the elevator on my floor since they can look directly into my office door and smile uncomfortably at the new guy.
I love this little spot. Here is a little image.
When I sat down I looked up at the frame to my left. Then it hit me. And I cried. I cried for 30 minutes.
This is what I was looking at.
6 months ago today I was standing on a stage in Riverside California leading a couple thousand engaged and worshiping family members in my last worship set at Sandals Church.
After 9 I left what quite possibly could have been the healthiest worshipping community in the United States. I say that quite literally.
When you look at the picture below you see my wife on the bottom holding her hands in her face.
Why? Because we knew we would not experience that again. At least not there.
And so I sit here in my chair. 2500 miles away. Crying as I type. Not because I do not want to be here. I know God called me here.
But I cry because I remember watching Sue, standing next to Heather, walk into our gymnasium for the first time and wonder what these people were doing lifting their hands up. When I left she was engaged in obedient worship. I cry because standing next to Sue is Jamila. Married in our gym during a church service. Turning her back on Islam and in turn watching her entire family turn her back on her. Knowing that the face she is seeing behind her closed eye lids is the face of Jesus. I cry because when I got to Sandals Church there was not one hand raised and when I left every fist was pumping.
So you see it is ok to cry. Because the truth is I miss that place called Sandals. It was home.
And although I do not aim to duplicate what God was doing there, here, I do aim to disturb career Christians into seeing His face fresh again.
Real With Myself, Others, and God.
Carlos
RAIN IT DOWN
I see my name!
Press on…
Carlos, we do miss you and Heather sooo much. I am thankful for the family Sandals provides, and no matter how far you are, you guys remain a part of that family!
Just curious, what do you mean by “engaged in obediant worship”?
you think after thirty-sumfin times moving would get easier. even when it’s right.
this move has been the hardest of my thirty-sumfin.
for different reasons.
but.
nonetheless.
i feel you brotha…and i had that cry a few days ago.
I feel ya. I get those good cries sometimes when Jakarta hits me. And although I only spent two years there those people are my family and I grew more in those 24 months than in the other 24 years of my life. Crying is good sometimes.
I so totally understand…my husband and I left the church where he was on staff as a worship director for 6 years back in June. We moved to North Carolina because we felt the Lord calling us to leave and plant a church here. Nice plan huh? While the church we left certainly had it’s disfunctions, it was home and I watched my husband lead 2500 people every week straight into the presense of God. And here? We are living in 2 little rooms in my parents home, all our stuff in storage, my husband still unable to find a job after 8 months. My husband has not been able to lead worship for 8 months. God still has a plan – of that I’m certain…..but sometimes the longing and the pain of transition just gets the better of you! I’m praying that God shows himself to you in the midst of these moments. That you feel the certainty of his leading when your heart feels broken! Blessings!!
Worshipfan
I recently had one of these moments remembering one of my most awesome worship times back in the day. Cry it out, good buddy. You’re never alone.
we miss you guys too. today, i was thinking about how i miss chatting with you guys after church and seeing your adorable kids. kaia talks about seanna and sohaila now and then too. also, i loved losiah and leia being in the same class too, cuz i was guaranteed to get to see his little face every week. anyways, just know that you guys are missed and it’s not the same without you guys here.
My family and I were called to leave our whole family and church back in Los Angeles and move to Northwest Indiana. I feel ya. I do know that a year and a half later we are now at the place that we say that “x, y, z” would never have happened had we not moved, real tangible awesomeness instead of the blind obedience. It’s a gift, and if we had to pick we’d stay right here where we are now.
I loooove that you are pushing career Christians, it’s my passion as well!
Peace, brother.
Awesome. . .love the passion and the yearning you have and long to see in everyone. Thanks for the post.
i hear what you mean back from my college days with Wesley Foundation at Georgia Southern. It’s that intimacy, passion, presence, rawness of the environment. It’s hard to get in that same feeling in “megachurch world” so I know what you mean.
“Career Christian”. Ouch. Now I got to find me a corner and do some crying.
miss you
Keep on being the lion Carlos.
You were made for this. Keep fighting, straight ahead.
Oh my gosh, Los. I’ve been in such a similar place this week, just in a different context. Sometimes it’s just enough to know that we go where God sends us, and that above all, He is with us.
This entry really resounds with me…and reminds me that He is so faithful, even when we’re pushing through the kinds of holes in hearts left by the absence of a community we really, truly love. Thank you for sharing.
this weekend i met and hung out with a lot of people from buckhead…and they were some really beautiful and awesome folks…made me want to come see what’s going on in atlanta.
oh…and they said you lead worship not too long ago at buckhead and that you totally rocked it out.
just sayin.
Missing being lead deep into worship. Missing you guys even more. So much love and thanks…
I feel you.
Well said holmes.
C
Hey Los, I appreciate your honesty and candor. Calling is something I feel penetrating my life as we speak. I absolutely love where I am, but know that God has so much more for me, away from ‘home.’ I can’t help but think that your journey can serve as a blueprint for so many of us other people looking to find the will of God in our lives. Thanks for keeping it real and sharing your life. -Mocha
And although I do not aim to duplicate what God was doing there, here, I do aim to disturb career Christians into seeing His face fresh again.
That statement is the statement of the leader you are and why I like you so much, bro!
Three and a half years in Nashville. Convinced beyond any doubt this is exactly where I belong, where God called me and has (literally) planted me. And I still sob sometimes over what I left behind in LA and at Mosaic. I feel you, bro.
What you left sounds like it was nothing less than a place cradled in the palm of God’s hand. It speaks volumes about you and Heather that you were willing to leave it all because God said to. God will honor your sacrifice and surrender. He will make sure it wasn’t in vain.
Hang in there, God is working. You will see it; you will experience it, just like you did at Sandals. No, it won’t look or feel, or even be, the same. But it will also be in the palm of God’s hand, and it will fill you to overflowing just as Sandals does. The God we serve is faithful. He will not waste your sacrifice, or your pain.
still missed – still loved
OK, I’m “Sue of Sandals” here. I know what it’s about (the lifting of hands deal), but I’ve never ‘been’ there emotionally. It makes me sad, because I feel like I’m cold or something is wrong with me. But I do know one thing, since I discovered your blog, I’ve been so inspired to pursue that feeling along with my new desire to blog. You are reaching us! Smiles to you!
ah….following the call of God. some days it really sucks.
Los, just following you and the very limited convos we have had, have made me pull God out of the box I put Him in…
I remember talking to you about multisite, only to watch my old digs open campus #2 only weeks later… knowing that God IS working there… despite my preconceived notions…
career Christian… yeah… ouch.
Keep pushing brother.
we love and miss you too!
thank you for this post. the honesty is important to obedience.
Los
I totally feel this. At times it’s tough but better to be in the middle of His will than any place else. Press on Bro.
LL
It seems like there’s a lot of this going around. I woke up this morning missing my old stomping ground as well. But I’ll say the same thing that a woman at my old church told me right before I left NJ. She told me to not get discouraged because “the world needs what you have.” Carlos, the world needs that fire that you and Heather have from Sandals, Atlanta needs it, Buckhead needs it. It may not look the same as it did before, but bring the fire–to the unbelievers and the career Christians too!
Thanks for your honesty!
Yo Los,
I had one those cries @ sandals between services ohh . . . about a year ago. Matt had preached something about being real and you ended the service with Inside Out . . . it was one o’ those paralyzin’ body shakin’ cries where I just covered my face and I just couldn’t move. A guy named Mike sat next to me and prayed . . . Though I’m an active deacon @ Mag, I’ve never been the same and I’ve rubbed some people raw with realness … not meanness ‘cuz sometimes I’m wrecked and I ain’t got a problem sayin’ it out to the christians but sometimes they just don’t wanna hear it, knowwhutahmsayin’? Gotta love the christians, though they do come through when they Let GOD do the thing.
I thank GOD for your obedience & for sandals
grace and peace
I hear ya bro. I don’t know how to describe some of the ways I miss Revolution in Long Beach and our family there at times. You do a great job expressing it for you, and it kinda frees me up a little to feel the way I do. Thanks for sharing.
Been there. It’s hard. Leaving “times” and relationships behind to begin again is like quicksand for a while, then it gets to where you can breathe again and you like what is around you.
Your last night at Sandals was my 3rd or 4th. I was so bummed that you left. I was really blessed by my short time worshipping with you. But I remain blessed by your transparency and God is doing things in you I’m sure that were not possible here. God bless you and your family!
Los, thanks for remembering how I came to Sandals, true, true….always wanted to raise my hands and cry in worship at my other church, but, just didn’t seem appropiate there….good church, attended by thousands, but it was not an encouraged thing on Sundays, and mind you it is a BIG church, so there is an unsaid decorum that goes along with that…. Now, when God calls me to be in “obedient worship:, I am. He wants me to submit, even if I feel uncomfortable…I can do that at Sandals, and now, probably anywhere else. It won’t matter where I go, (no, no rolling on the floor, etc) but if God wants me to kneel before Him, or lift my hands, I know it is for Him, not me or anyone else. Thank you Carlos, for your passion for the worship of our God, and sharing that with others, cause isn’t that what we are called to do?
Hey Carlos,
I really hear what you’re saying. As many other people echoed my thoughts already. We left our previous church after 7 years. Not perfect years, but good years. God definitely opened some amazing doors for us to be where we’re at now…but we’re still wrestling through the homesick feeling. I know it’s part of the process…but we’re just journeying on for now.
Blessings man.
Ok dude, this post needs to be reposted. I needed this like you don’t know. I moved to orlando 2 years ago after being in the ATL for the last 10, and I am so homesick. My heart hearts. I know I am following God’s call here…but I feel I have no true north sometimes. I allowed myself to touch some of those emotions a few months ago, and had the shoulder shaking, headache inducing, take a great nap aftewards cries. I think the subject of the PAIN of leaving what and who you are, to go for who your will be is worthy of a repost. Because once we leave…that chapter is closed. To try to be THAT person is futile. In the words of Bagger Vance… “The Juno he was, is not who he’ll ever be…” I’m gropping for my future, with eyes blinded by tears for the past.
I signed that board. My name is somewhere on it…wishing you’d all come back.
I know you’re following His leading…but I’m not gonna lie, there are MANY Sundays that I stand in worship, wishing you were leading us to the throne.
It’s not the same.
You were the first staff member to make me feel like Sandals truly was my home, that I was cared about by the staff there.
I still miss you and your fam (esp. that lil korean).
oh yeah, Carlos. You forgot I used to sit in the very front row, just to stage-left and I’d be the ONLY one with my hands raised. We were at the VCC with the green carpet. Truth is I don’t remember if you were leading at the time or if Moi and Lori-lynn still were. Either way, I got my praise and worship in. That was back when we did “BETTER IS ONE DAY IN YOUR COURTS. BETTER IS ONE DAY IN YOUR HOUSE. BETTER IS ONE DAY IN YOUR COURTS THAN THOUSANDS ELSEWHERE” with a crazy congo beat. Remember? Man I miss you sometimes…
You know what it was. I didn’t care. I wasn’t raised in church. I didn’t know the shame or fear that others feel during worship. I don’t embarrass easily. I didn’t understand why everyone wasn’t all into it like I was. It was some great music. I’d just come to the Lord and was stoked to worship Him. I LOVE worship.
I have moved many times, and the Lord has blessed me in each move. Some have taken longer than others, but that was because of me not HIM. I pray that God will continue to keep you in His hand, as I know He is. May God bless your obedience and sacrifice. Move forward one step at a time, God is faithful x