I Ate My Core Sin
I Fear.
I’m good at it.
I fear you. I fear me. I fear God. I fear grace. I fear truth. I fear rejection. I fear the unknown.
So you know what I do with that fear?
I turn it into all sorts of ugly things.
Mostly I turn it to worry.
This weekend my wife found a weird lump.
She went to the doctor and had it checked and is going back on Wednesday to have it checked again.
The doctor said it is a “somelongwierdwordidontknowhowtoprononce”
She said most women get them at some point in their lives.
I didn’t think twice.
But you know what happened tonight?
I let my core sin sneak up on me.
Out of the blue, after 3 days of not thinking twice about, it snuck up on me like white on rice.
When I picked H and the kids up from Joy’s tonight I was suddenly obsessed with the lump again.
What did the doc say again? What is she doing on Wednesday? When will the labs be back? What did she say before she said that thing she said before the first thing?
Heather looked at me like I was nuts.
She had a piece of prescription paper with the lumps name on it.
When I got home she knew what I was dead set on doing.
I went straight into the kitchen and grabbed that little paper.
I sat on the sofa to open up my laptop and log onto my core sin feeder.
www.webmd.com
That site can take me down faster than a lipsticked pitbull.
But no.
Heather was not having it.
She told me I was not allowed to look it up.
I said I needed to in order to calm my fears.
She said bulls#@!.
So with everything I had in me,
I ripped that freaking piece of paper into 1000 little pieces and jammed it into my piehole.
I chewed with a raging pissed offness because I knew I was falling into my core sin and was not going to let it take me over.
When I got done chewing…
It was gone.
The paper with the name of her lump, and my worry.
Thank You Lord
Take that you stupid piece of blue paper.
Anger, Pride, Lust, Gluttony, Fear, Envy, Laziness
RAIN IT DOWN
Life sure knocks us about! Spent some time in prayer over this. You keep posting – I’ll keep praying. Promise.
For sure fear, I worry about stuff all the time. Its something Im really trying to change. I dont want to spend my life worrying about stuff everyday. I think a lot of us have that problem.
Pride. I sat through a message tonight and constantly thought about how much better I could have done it. That of course led to me being all big on who I was. You know what the sad thing was, it was a sermon on humility. God humbles the proud but give grace to humble.
Lust kicks my butt regularly. I can definitely do without it.
There’s an old song from the 77’s the comes to mind, based off of 1 John 2:16 called “The Lust, the Flesh, the Eyes, and the Pride of Life”.
For me it’s Lust & Pride. Those two really tick me off. The good news is that I’ve been taking new strides over the past few months and am experiencing the freedom that I’ve never had before.
…thanks for this post Los. I love your honesty and I love the literal action you took.
PRIDE…
my core sin is also fear. i haven’t had the chance to eat mine yet, but wish i could. it creeps up sometimes and i have to man-handle it. tell it to get the hell out of my life! i say it with anger too. hey, the devil can have his fear and any other crap he tries to put into my life. that’s when i gotta call out to God and remind satan of how ME and MY GOD will crush his head!!
Oh for sure FEAR. Fear of everything. It paralyzes me…makes me unable to live in peace…makes me doubt everything I do, every move I make. This has been a lifelong battle.
Fear and worry. Definitely fear and worry.
Fear, most definitely. I let myself dwell on the things I’m afraid of far too much, and end up wallowing in it, which gets me feeling all ‘woe-is-me,’ and I end up in a really self-centered funk. Not a good rut to be stuck in. Looking for a way to eat it, kill it, scare it away so it never comes back.
Pride is most definitely mine. I tend to put myself up on a higher level than those around me. God has really been in a process of correcting this though and as painful as it is to deal with, I know that I’m going to be so much better for it.
Fear is huge with me. I’m a SAHM with three small children, and I just shouted “one year!” after a battle with breast cancer, so I can honestly relate. I can also tell you how amazing God is, how faithful God is, and how He is there, ready to take that fear and fill us with peace… a peace that truly passes understanding. Our train takes us through all kinds of tunnels, but God is still the engineer.
I wrote this about 11 months ago (sorry for the long comment):
“I would be foolish to jump off my train into the darkness. Although there are days when I think in my sinful self-reliance that I can do this on my own, one step off that train into the darkness would lead to confusion and chaos. I would lose my way so quickly, unsure of which direction to head, wondering what lay at the side of the tracks, and the fear would consume me.
So I cling to the seat in my train, and I know my Engineer won’t make a mistake. He knows right where I’m heading. My train won’t crash or derail. In fact, some days I make my way to the dining car, and on the menu I see Psalm 16, “He has assigned me my portion and my cup; my lot is secure.” And I feast like a hedon from the portion and cup He has given me–a very full plate of blessings. Other times I go to my sleeping berth, and I find that His “yoke is easy and his burden is light”, and there I find rest for my soul. There are days when I just sit in my seat, holding on for dear life and weeping as I watch the darkness outside the window. Sometimes, I go and I sit in the engine at the feet of the Engineer, and I listen to His voice reassuring me that He loves me and “nothing can separate me from that love”. And I stay on my train.
I have fear, yes, but I have no doubt, because He who promised is faithful, and one day I will reach my destination safe in the arms of my Engineer. It will be a place where there will be no more pain, no more suffering, no more tears… and there I will rejoice with all the others who’ve ridden through their tunnels in Christ alone.”
Praying for you and your family tonight. God is FOR you.
I will have to go with Pride. Because pride tells me that i am not trapped when i really am. It is extremely difficult to realize that i am prideful, but in God’s love and grace He slaps me upside the head to remind me that is Pride.
WOOT! GO LOS! Way to beat the battle dude. My core sin is laziness. I know this because if I did what I wanted to do, I’d do nothing. I’m working on it though. I have myself some projects that require me to be the opposite of lazy so as long as I keep up on those, I think I’m doing pretty good. I think.
wow, what a story… I am not sure how someone doesn’t obsess in a situation like that but it is incredible to see someone fight the struggles of sin in their life and do whatever it takes to win
Carlos,
I don’t comment very often, but I am one of your regular readers… I read Heather’s blog too.
I saw that she was having some “medical drama”, but she didn’t say what was going on.
I wanted to let you know (for whatever it’s worth… I know every case is different) that we were in your EXACT same shoes 2 weeks ago.
I returned home from a vacation week in Australia to be faced with appointments with surgical specialists to poke and prod me until they finally removed a rather large lump from my right breast.
WE WERE TERRIFIED. It’s a normal response. Our friends at church rallied around us and prayed for peace, but early in the process I felt like God wouldn’t hear those prayers… isn’t that weird? I know He hears them. I pray prayers of peace over other situations and KNOW that He hears them, but this time I wasn’t so sure.
Anyway… the morning of my surgery (last Wednesday) I finally felt those prayers… I was at peace… and I’m a HIGH stress HIGH anxiety kind of person!!
For 2 days I stayed in a drugged high… more for my sanity than the pain, I fear.
Friday my results came back negative and I’m in the clear… no cancer.
So, I’m praying prayers of PEACE over you, Heather and the kids… and I KNOW He hears them now!
As with every other male, we’re all subject to PRIDE.
I find when eating sin, it tastes a little better with some Tabasco Sauce.
Dude, awesome AWESOME post!
Those are the kind of posts I enjoy reading from you. You’re such a creative writer.
We’ll be praying for you and Heather.
lust…
that is where i go when i am heart broken, when i am angry, when i am sad, when i am lonely and frankly i am tired…
i can’t do it anymore….
i want freedom from this crap….this drama…..
Fear is something that I don’t normally struggle with. I have watched my mother live most of her life paralyzed by it and I have refused to give in to that. I remember when I was traveling with my parents to the Philippines, we flew through a typhoon and I slept through it while my mom ripped the flesh from my father’s arm in her terror. I would wake up every so often to hear the stewardesses praying and screaming…then I would go back to sleep.
What I DO struggle with is pride and anger…nasty little things….
I can relate.
I remember when we were pregnant with our first child, we bought this book. It’s called “What to Expect When Your Expecting.” I’m sure the authors of this book have the best intentions. Husbands, if you are married to a pregnant woman, please rescue them from the shock and awe campaign this book will unleash upon them and their helpless hormones. Here is my version of the same book, as read by a pregnant woman.
What to Expect When You’re Expecting
By Dewde
You’re doomed.
Copyright 2008
peace|dewde
that was great!
mine, manifests different ways, but i’m fairly certain it all boils down to pride.
i’ve had to eat mine a time or two…
it tastes terrible!!!
Pride rears its ugly head now and then, and also fear. Generally I’m pretty go with the flow, “God will provide”, but when it comes to the safety and health of my children, I am absolutely gripped with fear. I see people all around me, dealing with accidents or cancer or other nasty things, and I am so frightened that God will allow that to happen to one of my girls. How sad is that? Nothing has even happened to them!
I’m with you…fear and anxiety. It’s not pretty.
j.e.a.l.o.s.y.
be gone you evil emotion
hate it
envy. i covet a lot! i hate it.
hmmm… I think it boils down to worry and fear. Those are at the core – the reason other sins come along – lust, pride, gluttony.
I relate to you completely. That is something I struggle with all the time. Every time I think I notice some dot or speckle anywhere on my body, I’m scared it’s going to kill me. It’s awful. Of course fear manifests itself in tons of ways (most of which I’m familiar with), but this is definitely a big one. Keep wrestling with that; it’s nice to have a fellow hypochondriac who wants to be done with the fear.
Envy…
It sucks.
thanks for sharing that and…
envy is the insidious stalker in my world
Los, bad news. In the medical field it is a fact that the blue ink from that paper has been known to cause tone deafness.
What a great way to handle the worry. I hope I can handle it the same way.
Fear.. I battle it daily… With God’s help I am getting better but I do let the damn devil sneak in sometimes.
WebMD needs to be put out of it’s misery.
Thank you for sharing this!
Gossip, slander, doubt and Pride, I think in that order actually.
Did you swallow it?
Now your really gonna need webmd.
Or a bezoar removal
control. it turns in to all sorts of sins when I don’t have it. I am willing to hurt, mame, belittle, attack, devour and kill in order to have it. (ok not kill but spiritually it applies) whatever it manifests itself as, it always comes back to my lack of control. I hate it! seriously…
Wish I had the guts to use my real name.
Maybe one day.
For now…… all I can say is that my secret sin is PORN!
Pride!!!!
Dude… WebMD kills me too. It should be outlawed!
“…take me down faster than a lipsticked pitbull.”
your command of the English language is showing here,
Lust, and amen
Will be praying – hard.
Webmd is awful for doing that. My sophomore year in college, I was having some crazy stomach problems that had me in and out of the clinic doing labs and blood work every week for three months. I got on Webmd and was certain I was dying of some stomach cancer I couldn’t even say. That’s what the symptom checker kept pulling up. My core sin would have to be worry and wanting control of everything so I don’t have to worry…with a little pride mixed in for good measure.
Fear and Laziness. I almost didn’t get around to posting this for fear of being misunderstood.
Then I thought maybe this is a good first step. But then that means I’ll have to take the second step too, and what if I blow it then?
Oh, yeah. And obsession with over-analysis of self. Is that too many words? It seems like core sins should be more succinct. But I can’t seem to edit it down without leaving something out…
*Heavy Sigh*
DEFINITELY FEAR! I cant totally relate to this blog. The biggest problem I have in my Christian walk is that I all to quickly fear and all too slowly trust. Gods been leading me out of it, but it seems to be gradual. He is a Great God!! and He can take care of it. He can make me free. He can liberate me and you!! Praise God!!!!
Galatians 5:1, “It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set up free…”
Learning to be free from fear,
Beth
My sins are endless, lol. I think I have seasons of sin. But narcissism definitely. I have to constantly remember God loves the people I don’t like just as much as He loves me. Does that sound horrible??
Also, as a side note, I also had a very strangely named lump when I was 19 (I am 26 now). It turned out to be nothing serious, and all I had to do was change my diet and deal with the tenderness for a little while. I am not saying I know what it is, but I am saying don’t stress before you know. On my last doctor’s visit she thought she found a lump but then I was told I just have very nodular tissue. Thanks?!?
I think it’s worry. In my small town high school I was (to be blunt) a ho/hoe (??) whore. There. Said it. My husband is from the tiny town next to mine and after living in Southeast GA for a while we came back home to our tiny area in TX. Since we’ve moved back, every once in a while we run into someone I went to school with… and in that moment I allow them to suck every drop of God’s grace from me (in my mind). Suddenly I’m not a Christian wife and mother anymore, I’m a damaged garden tool they’ll whisper about when we walk away. The way that sin screams in my ears can be deafening. It hurts.
How about shame and inadequacy? Love the posts…I read each work with more anticipation for the next. The Spirit is all over this!
How about shame and inadequacy? Love the posts…I read each word with more anticipation for the next.
I thought I was the only guy that had to ban webmd.com from myself.
What about self-righteousness? This is my pet sin. I like to take it for a walk, put it in a fancy bag and carry it around with me and pet it while I judge people. On occassion, Jesus takes it to the kennel for me, but apparently it finds its way home to me all too easily.
You sound just like my husband. And one night when he had the hiccups he headed for webmd too. I kid you not, it said that the hiccups can kill you in rare cases! That had both of us laughing so hard that now we can’t take webmd seriously. And it’s a good thing too. Go and look it up. It may help calm your fears. Well, that and a good dose of faith bolstered by a trip through Matthew 6.
Monique, a Leaf fan, originate this absolutely earnestly to believe. Now, let me goal out that this was in no way an try to glory one pair is advantage than the other. It was upright a core to articulate two things.
the story would have been better if you had swallowed it.
just sayin’
I Love it when something I read finds me out. I hate it when something I read finds me out! I can’t decide. Thanks for finding me out. Fear is my biggest sin.
FEAR absolutely. Mostly dealing with medical stuff. I too am a victim of webmd and use it to “calm me down” but like Whittaker Woman, my hubby has no part of it. he calls me out on it and it loses its power (after a few minutes). praying for things to go well Wednesday
The real webmd already knows what’s going on and has His hands all over it.
Laura
too numerous to list
fear. i have a fear of doing the things i love doing(i.e. singing in front of people. talking in front of people.)…i have a big fear of stepping out of my comfort zone. and then jealousy. why are people better than me? why are people smarter than me? prettier than me? skinnier than me? it sucks. i wrestle with these things almost everyday. why can’t i just give it to God once and for all??? =/
hope everything went well with the tests!