What Does Depression Feel Like?
It’s one of the churches dirty little secrets.
Staff and leaders who struggle with depression and anxiety.
I have struggled with the latter but never the former.
If I were a betting man, and I am, I would bet the number of church leaders in America who struggle with this is at least 50%.
What does it feel like and how do you battle through it?
And I’m not thinking we are going to have 100 comments on this one.
It’s hard to admit to have struggled with this stuff.
Or maybe we should?
Los
RAIN IT DOWN
Warning: Churchy answer inbound.
Over the last year I’ve had quite a lot of both anxiety and depression. Or at least as close as I’ve ever felt to it. Still unsure. The way God pulled me through was the accountability and community He built around me prior to the situations. Prayer and community man. Don’t know what I would have done without it.
yep. drugs. mmm.
So timely that you wrote this post. I struggle with bouts of depression. I often feel judged and misunderstood when Im honest about it, so Ive learned to stay in the house and to myself when I m having a rough time. Sometimes I feel depressed because of the great desire to do Gods will and the lack of opportunity to be mentored to prepare for the next step. I have young ladies who say they look up to me and want to be like me, yet I feel I have nothing to offer MOST of the time. Its a battle, and there aren’t enough resources for those who are Christian and deal with depression OR anxiety.
For me, it’s a battle. I’ve never been clinically diagnosed but there is often a sense of hopelessness even though you carry the greatest hope within you. It’s a contstant back-and-forth of doubt….and belief. Faith….and frusteration. It’s tough. It probably comes from a lack of truly depending on God for everything. Why? Because we like it when we’re in control. We like it when something goes wrong and we can fix it. It’s the times that we can’t fix it without His help. Those are tough. I feel inadequate, less of a man.
It feels like being in a tunnel with no exit. Like not being able to breathe. 15 months ago, my husbands only sibling, a younger sister took her life with a single gunshot. In the months that passed I thought I was holding it all together, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t enjoy the simple things like watching my kids play outside and I didn’t want to have to make ANY decisions….not where we ate, or what I cooked, or what to dress my kids in….after you pack up someones life and have to choose what physical things will be there legacy, dinner and shoes seems to trival. By the GRACE OF GOD I saw that I needed help…and for me, admittance was half the battle. Once I figured out that I didn’t have to make it on my own, the road to recovery was set in motion.
I’ve battled depression three different times now. Once in college and two bouts of postpartum depression. I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. That said, depression was this empty, hopelessness for me. Despite being able to see everything I had, everything to have hope in and retaining my faith… it was this absolute darkness that I physically, emotionally and spiritually could just not get past.
I would like to say, with LB’s birthday one month and one day away, I no longer feel that hopelessness.
Argh, depression felt like a big fat reminder that I was not in control. I struggled with it years ago and wasn’t a Christian then, and I just remember feeling so tired, unmotivated, and gloomy. It was hard to think of any reason to get out of bed. I am so grateful not to struggle with it now and am also vigilant about exercising and rest so as to avoid getting anywhere near that again (not that those two things can always prevent depression by any stretch but it’s best to do all I can to prevent it).
The feeling of depression is similar to the heavy lead jacket they used to make you wear at the dentist for x-rays. Then it knocks you to the ground and beats the hell out of you until you can hardly get up. Repeatedly.
I’m convinced that true clinical depression is genetic and physical in nature. I’ve dealt with it for most of my life, including 22 years following Christ.
Depression feels like you are walking in peanut butter, with that horrible feeling in your eyes that you are about to cry but won’t let yourself because you are afraid to let anyone see it. It feels like you heart is about to break, but won’t go all the way because if it did break all the way it could be healed. Instead it is perpetually sprained and scarred. Depression feels like darkness in the soul, loneliness of the heart and desperation of the body.
You know that feeling when you look at your TV and realize you axed Direct TV…..that’s what depression feels like!
For me, the air around me feels like motor oil and the effort to speak is enormous I have no ambition and no appetite. When I do eat the foods tend to be junk food. I even have a difficult time showering.
As soon as I can get myself to pray(this can take days or even a week) the isolation begins to fall away. Recovery can take several days from that point.
I don’t understand why some people can’t seem to get that often depression is chemical. There are actually physiological reasons, it’s not a sign of spiritual weakness or lack of faith anymore than cancer or high blood pressure or strep.
It doesn’t mean you are messed up – just that something in your brain isn’t firing right. Sorry, not a great explanation – my sister is a shrink, but I am not.
We take antibiotics for infections, meds for blood pressure … anti-depressive meds are no different. Yeah, God can heal, but sometimes He chooses to do it through the gift of medicine.
Depression hit a couple of years ago for me. But it didn’t really hit…I slowly sank into it and never realized. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything…I just kinda went through the motions of life but it was all a blur. I remember a lot of crying for no reason, and feeling completely helpless. Sought help for a while, but he only offered drugs which isn’t what I wanted. I was driving down the road to my parents and the song “There’s Gotta Be Something More” by Sugarland came one. I pulled over on I-75 and just cried. It was then that I knew I was the only one who could change what I was going through…and I never looked back. For me, it started when I began doubting myself and where I was at in life…but when I look back, I had to be in THAT place to get me to the wonderful path I’m on now. Ahhh…and the song just came on in my coworkers office.
I’m all over it, Dude. I’m a pastor. I’ve stuggled with depression all my life… and yeah, it’s generally not something you’re “supposed to” talk about. Pastors and leaders are supposed to be victorious, right? Healthy. Strong. Capable. Anointed. Ready to help everybody else. Not very acceptable (generally speaking)for a leader to struggle… or be down… or wrestle with their own stuff (abuse, pain, depression, addictions, rejections, et al)… and God forbid anyone in leadership admit to being medicated for an on-going chemical depression or anxiety– unless of course it’s “all in the past” and so part of a sermon that says: I came through the valley– and so you can too!
Sorry if I sound a bit jaded; perhaps I am… this conversation is stirring some past feelings of hurt in me… Is it possible that what Jesus wants from us (and maybe the watching, hurting world too) is not shiny, all-put-together church leaders, but leaders who admit that they are broken too… those “wounded healers” who are on the journey of life with Jesus too? That’s who I’d like to follow; not just someone who can give me “4 points on how to not be depressed” from the Bible.
Disclaimer: I’m not advocating that people should be put into (or allowed to remain in) leadership who are a complete mess and can’t function or anything. What I am saying is let’s ALL be authentic…. Thanks, Carlos.
It just sucks. I’m not a church leader, but I want to be one eventually, and depression feels like you can’t get it right or there is no future, even if you know there is. And often, stress causes depression to get worse, so the more stress someone is in, the more depressed they feel. I asked to share about my depression with the youth group I’m a part of last night, and although I didn’t say much, from what I heard, what I did say was way powerful. I definiely think it needs to be talked about more than it is.
I’m writing this with that anxious feeling in my stomach.
I definitely battle the anxiety, but not the depression. Or maybe I’m in denial…crap!…That just made me anxious thinking about it….
what’s the difference of being sad/really discouraged and a (mild) depression?
To battle depression, I think of my children and the blessing they are to me. Being around them and spending quality time with them helps tremendously as well.
Carlos thanks for being real. It seems like you BC types have it all together sometimes. You work for an amazing organization with great leadership and you are doing something passionate and amazing…. leading people to Christ. I am sure its difficult to measure success at times. Maybe the road seems a little too familar after a while. Passion is a difficult thing, a lot of it is mental and emotional, Translated, there are a lot of ups and downs.
I am a passionate guy, passionate about relationships, life, CHRIST! People see me mostly as an upbeat guy who is always happy…. most of the time they are right. But in those “other” moments i am a mental and emotional wreck! Especially after someone who is a friend or a loved one does something to hurt me………. AHHHHHHHH! WHY! ……. today for instance. we have all had someone promise us something, how about when your boss/mentor/family member(one person) turns a sudden 180 on something he promised you. I have been angry and bitter all day, ready to blow up, down about work and unmotivated to do anything but get on facebook and apparently comment on people blog! I feel unappreciated and honestly crapped on. I don’t want to work for someone like that. Then when i sit here and do nothing in protest, Anxiety sits in because ultimately i am working for God and not my indian giver boss…… ahhh the RUB! Which reminds me……..
Ecclesiastes 2:24
A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God,
Thanks for listening!
i’ve been on and off depression/anxiety medication for nearly 5 years. and i’ve been in ministry for nearly 5 years. so… you can do the math.
Life is hard. If you follow the belief that we are still under the curse of Adam and the fall, then depression should come as no surprise. Even accepting that each person is going to suffer some level of depression in our lives, should be commonplace — not the abnormal.
That said, I do see the value of using natural and practical means for helping someone I know who is suffering from depression. It’s the “coming alongside, helping to carry the burden, and covering with love” life of a Christian. Listening to a depressed person is not easy at times, and our concern can lead us to want a “quick fix,” but I have seen more lasting health and results from prayer, care and help over time.
This does include discussion about the wise use of professional help and medication, as I know not all depression looks the same, and some severe cases require immediate interaction.
keeping priorities and perspective. Being able to check out at the end of the day and enjoy the finer things (family, hobbies, etc).
Depression. The word even hurts. There have been several times in the last 17 years that I remember being deep in depression. Never for an extended time, but it could last a few weeks. Often what happens is I finally get perspective and take time to listen to God. What first sent me into depression are worries about things that are outside of my control. Professional help is a huge thing for Christians and for those of us in ministry. Several of those I listen to say that they keep an appointment with a counselor often. I meet with a counselor about once a quarter or when things are getting me down. Yes, I battle depression. Isn’t that the first step?
My wife has struggled w/ depression ever since our daughter was born (6 yrs ago). I think I’ve had short stints of it here & there – but I always seem to get through it by talking to my wife or to friends. For my wife – she has to take medication. For the longest time people – Christians – tried to make her feel guilty about taking depression meds. Telling her that she needs more faith & to pray more. So, she stopped taking her medication and what followed was almost a total collapse of our marriage and our family. She had to go back on the meds.
Do we lack faith? Are we sinning or not trusting in God because she takes the medication?
Her depression was a mix of anxiety & really low moods. At times she just couldn’t handle making dinner – she just couldn’t do it without crying. Other times she would just cry…..for hours. Several times she called me at work and said, “I’m in the car……in the garage……I just closed the garage door…….the car is running and I don’t want to turn it off.” My 6 month old daughter was in the car with her.
I thank God for the medication. Otherwise – my wife, and possibly my kids, could be dead.
I too am a pastor and have suffered from depression. I was a staff member about 4 years ago as a youth pastor, and nothing I ever did was good enough. Students were changing their lives and starting to follow Christ, we were growing, 600% growth in the first year, and nothing mattered to the pastor. I was to the point that I had it mapped out on how to end my life and make it look like an accident so my family would get the life insurance still. I still feel it creep up sometimes and I talk to people about it. I pray about it, read scripture, go fishing or hunting or play golf, and hug my boys. It dissipates and I feel better. Am I medicating? Nope. Should I? Doctor has said yes a time or two. Will I? Never. If Jesus can’t take me through this then He isn’t who I preach about. Meaning, I trust Him for healing and Him alone for this, along with the people I talk to. Am I wrong about how I’m treating it? Possibly. Do I care? Nope.
Self-Proclamied anxiety person here.
I’ve learned though that my issues with anxiety ultimately stem from my idol of control. I feel comforted when I am in control and I seek that comfort first instead of comfort in Christ. Thus an idol. Instead of seeking God and praying, I fear. Intead of letting God orchastrate the happenings of my life, I plan plan plan and freak out when said plan goes haywire.
This is a daily battle for me. It’s often consuming, and always frustrating that I live my life afraid when I know I serve a God who has me in His grip.
I’m currently doing a study called “Calm My Anxious Heart” and it’s helping a lot.
When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your love, O LORD, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul.
Psalm 94:19
I had panic attacks for awhile and they subsided. Every now and then I feel overwhelming anxiety. All I can do is pray.
I use to be healthy and happy. I just started feeling depressed a couple of years ago. I think I let circumstances around me affect how I live my life. It’s like I lost control and don’t know where I’m heading.
Part of it is dealing with regret. “If I only did this” or “If I didn’t do that, maybe my circumstances would be different.”
I believe God is leading me to a place where I’m content and my complete joy is in Him. It’s just a hard process to go through.
I’m a creative director for a children’s ministry. My job is creative and actually fun… but the road hasn’t been easy. I’ve suffered from both Depression and Anxiety disorder. Depression was hell… The world was gray at best. Nothing was colorful anymore, especially on medication that left me numb. After three therapists and a great psychiatrist, I was finally diagnosed with bi-polar2 disorder (the depression last longer than the mania). Thankfully, I have an amazing community that surrounded me throughout the worst of times with love and care; I’m still here because of them. I still suffer. Everyday is a choice to take the meds or not, but I know that the meds are grace from God. They allow me to live and thrive with my wife and three kids.
Danny,
Depression symptoms also include:
-difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
-fatigue and decreased energy
-feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
-feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
-irritability, restlessness
-loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
-overeating or appetite loss
-persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
-persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
-thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
Great topic. One of the chicken or the egg things with depression and leadership is how isolating both are. Depression (especially when accompanied by the physical symptoms) prevents one from engaging in community and getting help that’s needed.
though this is not necessarily a secret, it’s not something i talk about publicly…but i figure that someone will probably benefit from knowing other Christians struggle with something that has been so taboo in the past. i have seasonal affective disorder. so, about 6 months out of the year, i take zoloft. before i was diagnosed, the first word that crossed my mind when i woke up was “despair.” NOTHING was fun anymore. i would prefer to not take drugs, but they keep me from wanting to jump in front of a train (which i KNOW sounds so drastic and from this side of it really seems impossible, but trust me, when you’re in the midst of depression, nothing feels drastic!)
my roommates now recognize my symptoms and know when and more importantly how to ask the right questions.
I don’t understand Christians who are against antidepressants or antianxiolytics and yet feel free to take tylenol, antacids or blood pressure med.
It’s fine to try to manage mood with prayer, Scripture, fellowship, healthy boundaries, self-care, good nutrition, exercise, yoga, etc. but if it’s not working then please consider talk therapy and/or medication. Don’t suffer needlessly for years and years – your family and your church suffer along with you when you are in pain, even if you are pretending like you are okay.
Brian – awesome post.
for me, depression feels like the clouds look on a dreary, foggy morning. It feels, for me, like that cloud sets down on my shoulders and envelops me – i am powerless to fight against it’s setting down. I never feel it coming and don’t always recognize when it arrives. Luckily i’ve been noticing and catching it lately which helps alot. I’ve felt, for me, it’s very important to try to focus on others when depression comes – it helps me to not think so much about me.
I personally have not dealt with the depression, although I have high anxiety in certain situations in my ministry. However, I do know that there are many within our community that do suffer from depression or have in the past. My question is this: Why is this such a secret?? Isn’t this something the church should be open about and helping people with?
Timely post. I am in the midst of a struggle with depression. Right now, it is showing itself in the form of nightmares and this overwhelming sense of not being able to get anything lined up right. It feels like there is a boulder sitting on my back. I understand why the lifespan of a minister is getting shorter all the time.
Thanks man…
One more thing…
Anybody know a good therapist?
It feels like a heavy weight on your chest & chest. Kinda like a heavy blanket that weighs you down. At first it feels comforting and blank (no anxiety). And I welcomed it. But the hopeless is suffocating me. My husband is in the hospital and I’ve stayed every night with him. I’m starting to forget what life feels like. Like I’m in prison. I’m at my lowest right now. All I can do is cry out to God to give me some hope to hold on to.
I only struggle with it while I’m awake. Regularly.
This is a very timely post. I’ve just have come to the realization that I’ve been depressed for a month or so. Stuff just started to slowly lose its joy. I found no enjoyment in anything. I started isolating myself from contact with everybody, including my family. What got me really concerned is that I started to stop even caring what others around me were going through. I’m nervous about the possibility of slipping further into that. I’m trying to do a 180 – being more intentional about relating to people, not getting sucked into avoidance activities like excessive internet use or watching too much tv, and cutting way back on caffeine. It’s been better today. It’s rather encouraging that others have the same struggles.
i didn’t struggle with the sadness until i started working for the church. maybe it has to do with the unrealistic expectations that 2000 people have in me personally. Maybe it has to do with the numerous people expecting you to drop everything when they walk into the door. Maybe it’s watching them think we have nothing in our lives to accomplish except to make sure they feel good about their faith. It’s a huge order to fulfill and there are days we simply are going to fail at it.
I was depressed this past summer and didn’t realize it. It was during my surgery recovery. I would get up in the morning, go lay on the couch, go back to bed at night. While I was laying on the couch during the day, I had no desire to interact with my wife, my kids, the neighbors, and no desire to eat. It was horrible. I am now on Zoloft and it is helping.
i have struggled with anxiety consistently for the past 15 years (conveniently around the same time that my parents divorced.)
ive been working in the church full time for the past 6 years (which has also been the time that ive been able to make my own decision outside of my parents authority on whether to medicate for it or not) and I have been afraid to seek help from medicine because I hear so many cracks/jokes/comments from church folk about using meds for depression/anxiety.
I dont feel that it’s wrong, I would just hate for someone to find out that I’m on something for it & think less of me… which opens up even more issues … pride, lack of authenticity, ANXIETY (ha) … having anxiety about taking meds for anxiety…. hmm…
it’s definitely a struggle for so many people in the church. ive seen it in every church ive served in.
I saw my counselor today. It was hard to admit that I have a battle with depression. After all, for some reason I was taught that Christians in general, let alone Pastors (or missionaries) should struggle with depression! What a lie the enemy has us believing so that we won’t share it with others and so we won’t get the help we need.
What does it feel like? Indescribable. You don’t feel like yourself at all. You feel isolated and alone (cause really no one knows you right now because you are hiding behind a mask). You weep. Inside and out. There is a physical ache in your soul that you can’t put your finger on. You don’t like yourself, or anything else really. It hurts, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, worse than just about anything else I have ever experienced…
You can learn more about depression in this online video by PBS Depression: Out of the Shadows.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/takeonestep/depression/video-ch_01.html
It talks about suicide (another dirty little secret in the church and society) & post-partum depression. Another thing to watch for this time of year is winter depression/seasonal affective disorder.
I have struggled with both for years but haven’t been formally diagnoised. Part of me wants to just go to the doc and get meds already, but another part of me wonders if that really is the answer.
Depression for me is hard to put into words. I cry a lot, i feel incredibly alone, and its hard to even get out of bed in the morning. All I want to do is whole up in my room and cry.
I have been battling it for about 10 years now. I was in full time Christian ministry when it began. It took medication, counseling, and getting out of ministry to feel like I have some control over it. I have one big cycle a year and it is so difficult during that time just to get out of bed in the mornings. I find that I am more irritable and I don’t really like to be around people. I have not taken any medication in about 4 years and I hope that I will not have to in the future but if I do then I will not hesitate to do what I need to do to stay sane.
depression is a weird thing. it has been known to hit me right out of the blue. i feel like i lose all sight of reality and sulk in whatever triggered it. for me it is time of avoiding the world and not wanting people to see that i dont’ have it together. the best way i have gotten through it is with the help of a great counselor and surrounding myself with people who don’t let me run from the issue but charge into head on.
It started for me when its been constant since I was little. Self-esteem issues, inadequacy, and trust. There is no sure fire way to get over it. There is NO amount of pills that will help you get over it. As churchy as its going to sound, depression, anxiety is all of el diablo. And only him. We don’t have a “chemical imbalance” sorry guys but its true. Depression comes when we start to think about what happened, and why it happened and what WE did wrong.
How do I get over my depression and anxiety… I work through it and deal with it when I am level headed and rational. And yes you can do it too. It is not that hard to NOT freak out over a situation. It’s all mental.
So next time your dealing with a situation, no matter if you only have a second to do this…
1. Stop what your doing.
2. Assess the situation, deal with what you can at the moment.
3. Do not go into yourself, do not go into hiding.
My best friend of 15 years, just moved 12 hours away. We have never lived more that half an hour apart. I could have hid away and cried. But I didn’t I’m dealing with it one day at a time. I love her more than anything, but I can’t let that consume my life. Because I know one day I will see her again.
So rest assured, this is not the end, even thought it feels like it, trust me it’s not.
I’m not a church leader or anything but I know what depression is like. I watched my Mom battle it for a long time. She still does. Only in the past couple of years hve I realized that I’ve been battling it too. Not real well most times.
I get into a withdrawn mode, even from my wife and my kids. I don’t want to deal with people. And when I’m not around them I’m so friggin lonely that it crushes me.
I’ve started to understand that my depression is driven by my measures of self-worth and shame. I’ve carried around a ton of shame for a long time and have always tried to make up for it by doing “things of value”: getting a good job, doing something special or extravagant, or working harder than anyone else. My job seems to be the focus.
I really identify with the commenters who talked about not wanting to make decisions and only wanting to eat junk. Unplugging my conscious brain and going for quick satisfaction is about all that seems reasonable in the midst of it.
On the positive side, I’m drawing closer to God and learning that all I burden myself with is not really holding on to. If God can forgive and cancel the debt, then maybe I should too.
I’m not a church leader or anything but I know what depression is like. I watched my Mom battle it for a long time. She still does. Only in the past couple of years hve I realized that I’ve been battling it too. Not real well most times.
I get into a withdrawn mode, even from my wife and my kids. I don’t want to deal with people. And when I’m not around them I’m so friggin lonely that it crushes me.
I’ve started to understand that my depression is driven by my measures of self-worth and shame. I’ve carried around a ton of shame for a long time and have always tried to make up for it by doing “things of value”: getting a good job, doing something special or extravagant, or working harder than anyone else. My job seems to be the focus.
I really identify with the commenters who talked about not wanting to make decisions and only wanting to eat junk. Unplugging my conscious brain and going for quick satisfaction is about all that seems reasonable in the midst of it.
On the positive side, I’m drawing closer to God and learning that all I burden myself with is not really holding on to. If God can forgive and cancel the debt, then maybe I should too.
I’ve been on/off meds for depression for the past several years. Unhealthy habits (like not making any time for myself) contribute to this. My wife chides me for taking the easy way out with mdes instead of working on my problems. She’s partially right. It is easier for me to take a pill than change my priorities. I struggle with what to do here.. I know I need to change. I don’t want to be on meds. But I don’t want to be depressed any more. Life stinks that way and I make it stink for the people I love when I’m depressed.
Los, Good post! Hands down this is a subject that must be talked about by everyone. We don’t discuss this the for fear of not being spiritual. It is not as simple always as “giving it to Jesus!” You don’t say to someone with a heart defect, “give it to Jesus!” So why do we compartmentalize mental and emotional thorns as unspiritual?
I’m pretty sure the book The Heart of an Artist talks about how people who are more creative/artistic/left brained are more likely to deal with depression in some fashion because of their personalities. I think David in the Bible is a prime example of it. I know the school I used to attend required music ministry majors to read the book. I haven’t personally though, but I think it’s pretty much a classic.
Depression is tough though because there are so many components that play into it (that have already been listed). I think it can get dangerous depending on how the Church or believers view depression. i.e. is it only present if there’s sin in a person’s life? Is it a sin to take anti-depressants? Does it mean there’s something separating the person from God if they’re depressed? etc. I think a main reason it’s an issue with pastors/leaders is the pride issue that often keeps them from sharing their burdens/being authentic with those around them and dealing with their own issues rather than acting like their lives are hunky dory while trying to “fix” or “deal” with others’ issues while dieing alone inside.
Here is the URL to the book review on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Heart-Artist-Rory-Noland/dp/0310224713
I’ve struggled with it for a long time. I can say it’s a cyclical thing, and when I’m at my worst….I just feel heavy, bogged down, tired, hopeless. Sometimes it just comes right out of the blue…and I’m shocked. Other times, my life can be really difficult, and I’m laughing it off. It’s a weird thing.
I always felt like I was swimming and couldn’t get my head above water. I can’t breathe when I’m cycling and it takes all the energy I have just to take a deep breath.
Carlos,
looks like you found a very soft spot! Bringing things into the light out of the darkness can take away the secrecy and start the healing process. I think you have let the cat out of the bag and now, let the healing begin!!
I have watched my husband battle depression for years and only in the last year have we found a doctor who has given us hope with medication. It still is a battle because he has been told for so long that he just doesn’t have enough faith…but like others have said we will take medication for all kinds of other things but just not depression. What a crazy bunch of people we are! We can only let God work one way, complete seemingly miraculous healing. Why can’t we allow Him to heal in any way He wants? Through the creativity of scientists who find medications or through the counseling wisdom and love of doctors/counselors?
Thank you so much for having the courage to tackle the tough questions!
Depression is when living hurts. Like you watch tv and don’t change the channel because you don’t want to get up to find the remote.
I have dealt with my issues, and continue to deal with them, am in support groups etc. I tried to cut back on my dose, and I couldn’t do it. It is totally chemical with me.
We live in a fallen world here people, filled with sin. Some diabetics cannot handle diabetes without insulin, so why would you ask people suffering from Depression to handle it without drugs? Don’t feel guilty! Its the result of a sinful, fallen world. Jesus wants to love you where you are, and if that means you need a prescription, PLEASE don’t hesitate. You can find hope and healing with Christ and prescriptions, it doesn’t make you weak, its an illness like any other.
it feels like red bull with a dose of ambien crushed up into it.
it happens about this time of year, the summer slump can drag into fall
Beth, Sheli & others are right on. As a counselor, minister, and someone who struggles with depression off and on, we need to get over the stigma. If someone has diabetes we don’t ride them for taking insulin; we probably wouldn’t consider ourselves weak for taking heart medication after a heart attack. Mine started with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), then hit major low points with peri- and postpartum. I greatly appreciate my antidepressants! Even with them, though, there are times that I find myself feeling very hopeless; I see everything through a thick fog. I can’t organize, plan ahead; I only get done what I have to at the moment in order to keep my kids’ and my life going. I am currently coming out of such a fog. I have a ton of dear friends praying specifically for this right now. It makes a difference.
I’m not sure if I’m depressed at times
or just hurt.
It’s my second year in ministry. I’m at a great church. I’ve had some awful things take place over the past year. Things that I probably contributed to by my lack of discipline and not caring for the things that matter most.
I have thought about taking my life and making it look like an accident. But I love life too much. Seriously. I don’t think I could ever do it and if anyone is reading this and thinking that way…please…PLEASE…don’t think that way. I’m too young to really have a final stance on the medicated issue. I trust that within your relationship with Jesus that He will show you what is best.
However, I do know that Love is powerful. God’s Love is life changing. It makes me value life even when everything I have ever know gets turned upside down.
I have felt the bone-crushing depression that is talked about on this post. And in the most authentic, real way I can communicate to you who are there…the sun will rise again. God’s love will win. And your life will gain more value and purpose in the middle of trusting Him through your roughest moments.
It’s not easy. But within the context of a growing relationship with Jesus, and others who love Him and you…it is possible.
I’m praying for the names on this post as I get ready for bed.
With love,
just another guy
let me first start by saying I’m a people pleaser, and I know I need to get over that. However, this is what leads to the majority of my anxiety. Always wondering if I’ve measured up after weekend services. Always doubting if people believe in my leadership ability. My co-worker and I have been left in a really stressful situation after our pastor left the church, and that has stirred lots of emotions.
I’ve dealt with depression in the past, and to me its the suffocating feeling that there is little hope, very little light in a dark situation. However, as i come to know Christ more and more everyday, I realize that He alone is my Hope and the Light in my life.
*on a side note, if you aren’t in a pastoral/ministry position, let your clergy know how much you appreciate them. Statistics show that most pastor resignations occur on Monday after a weekend of pouring out to people, and likely feeling like they aren’t appreciated or making an impact.
I’ve struggled with bouts of depression since middle school. But it didnt get so bad that it started affecting how I was functioning at work/school until 2 years ago.
I went on prozac for a little while, but it just made me apathetic which was almost worse than being depressed, so I took myself off of it.
Right now I’m a part of a clinical trial at Vanderbilt University that is studying depression medication. If you are interested in learning more about the study I am in or following how I’m doing I have a blog I’m using to track things to remember them for my weekly clinic visits. And also to just record the entire process.
http://guineapigme.blogspot.com/
This is such a timely topic to talk about. We just past the summer equinox on September 22nd. (The equinox happens twice a year. Around mid September and mid March, we have the two days of the year when the night and day are close to equal in length.) So, right now, we’re on our way to the day that is the shortest of the year, or the solstice (December 21).
If God created everything to have an order and we see that many or most animals rest or hibernate during the days of shorter sunlight days(the winter), why do people seem to think that we are eliminated from that equation. Watch your natural energy patterns. They are probably cyclic. There are other outside influences (like a death or divorce memory that brings you down annually), but it just makes sense that we would feel foggy, bogged down or slow during the winter months.
The sun is the key factor here. Some people have much more trouble (seasonal affective disorder)than others. People in the north get outside much less than the southerners, so they’re even more influenced. It’s just so important that we do what we can to naturally help ourselves – get outside in the sunshine (even 15 minutes a day helps), exercise (a brisk 15 minute walk outside can do wonders) and make sure you get extra rest in the winter. These are the LAST things that you’ll want to do, but they really do help.
It took me years and years to figure out why winter was so hard for me. It’s not because of Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday pressure and let down afterward that people talk about. It’s because I’m a living being that God created with a cycle of needed rest.
So, I really struggle in winter, but at least I understand WHY.
it can kill. how i deal with it? i read your blog.
it can kill. how i deal with it? i read your blog. And pray, pray, pray.
anxiety, from about 12 years old, when i shifted schools. It has left me alone for long periods and then crept back up on me when i am at my weakest
unable to be in crowds, fear of any kind of travelling, cars planes boats etc, fear of being sick, i could go on and on…………….
I went through a season of what I called depression last year. My son had been going through treatments for a brain tumor for 2 years and the last treatment had necessitated the use of steroids which totally changed everything about him, the hardest being his personality. He became withdrawn and reclusive. The previous 2 years had been difficult, but nothing like this. I had allowed doubts about God to seep in, and felt lost. I tried to “get out” of the depression, was in scripture, singing praises, focusing on blessings, but I couldn’t do it. I had been praying for God to help me, and then one day I met a woman who took one look at me and said, “you are covered in oppression.” She asked if she could pray over me and I welcomed it, she prayed for about 20 minutes, God revealed to her that I was struggling with faith and belief in Him. After her prayers I was aware of what I needed to be praying for myself, increase in belief. Which is why I love the scripture of the dad who prays, I do believe, help me with my unbelief, as that was me too. I walked away from that chance meeting that day with a new sense of hope, there was a sharpness and light where everything had been foggy and dark.
In my case I had allowed the enemy to steal my joy, fill me with fear and I was not holding up my shield of faith to repel the flaming darts he was continually sending my way. So for me, I thought I was struggling with depression, but it was really oppression, and prayer worked.
For me depression is not something that came and went. When I was a teenager I had a very difficult 4 year bout of deep depression It was a weight I could not remove like being trapped under something heavy in a pitch black room. I attribute most of this to the environment in which I was raised, I won’t go into detail but let’s just say it sucked. But it was that downward spiral where I almost ended my life. Even after giving my life to Jesus the depression didn’t go away. It’s something I live with everyday. Although I’ve tried to hide it and over 20 years later I still do. But the good news is that as I grow older I have found ways to fight it and while it has never gone completely away it is fewer and farther between, and less in intensity. The secrete to survival is God’s love found in community. And because of this I have been able to step out and do things I never thought I would be able to do.
We are not in it alone
Wow. So many stories. Mine is that I have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for 20 years. The strategies and survival tricks one has to do in one’s mind to live in this are exhausting and take a toll on the spirit. I am being freed from that now, but I am using medication to help with the indescribable sadness. I have been depressed for a long time. My main concern is for my children. I feel for all the people on here who are sharing their hearts. God help us all.
As a new lead pastor I can see how depression and anxiety creeps into a pastors life. There is immense pressure the leader feels to make the right decision, act right, dress right and be who the church hired him to be. There is a constant magnifying glass on his life and the life of the leadership at the church.
After preaching on a sunday I feel like I’ve been kicked in the “chenis” and feel very vulnerable. The next day could be the most “depressing” day of the week and if not watched, could pour over into two days, three days … a life.
I have there with depression.. had to check myself in to the hospital, that was almost 12 years ago.. for those of you who have neve been there its just not a snap out of it thing, its real, its there, and it is powerful, I watch for the signs, the overwhleming anxiety that leads to the attaack.. and i have not a major episode in 12 years.. but if I let my guard down It circles, ready to attack.. and , yes, I believe that depression and anxiety is a player in spiritual warfare, looking to steal our joy.. to seperate us from life and love..and you have got meet the evil one toe to toe, in the name of Jesus..tough stuff
Depression and anxiety feel like the weight of the world pressing down on you and sucking the breath out of you all at the same time. Anxiety has made me feel like I was about to die of a heart attack. Depression generally just makes my entire body hurt and makes me just want to curl up and sleep. I just want to shut the world out.
I think that depression is not easy for anyone to talk about… but especially men. I have really had to turn to God on this stuff and really work through it. I have been going to counseling for over a year now and also been telling my friends about where I am at and asking for prayer. I have had to decide to make myself get out of the house and socialize even if it is the last thing I want to do… that helps me escape Satan’s lies and attempts to isolate me from my support systems.
Ministry can take a toll cause it oftens makes you feel less than adequate and that you must put on a “good” face and act like everything is great… which leads you further into the depression and anxiety if you ask me.
Depression feels like void. It feels like no one really cares and that there is no purpose for you. It feels like everything you do is wrong. It feels like heartache that won’t go away–ever. And when you realize (after several cycles of this) that you are in the middle of depression, you hate yourself for allowing it back in your life. Depression stunts growth, represses passion, harbors fears, and disables effectiveness.
I’ve been there, more times than I can even recall. Right now? It has no hold on my life. Could it return? Maybe. Have I learned how to work through the first stages of it? (when I am aware) Yes.
Once it takes hold, it’s a mighty fight. I’ve never done the medicine thing, though…to be honest once it took hold, I almost didn’t want it to go away. It got to the point where I didn’t care about ANYTHING. Not even being restored. That is a dangerous place.
Now I share about it with people, hoping maybe someone else who struggles with this will not lose hope or get to that place. There IS a way through it; it does not have to control you forever.
Depression is tossing awake in the early, early hours with your mind rambling at 100MPH and not being able to turn it off.
Depression is when you finally get out of bed, but it took every ounce of energy because you know that the mornings are the worst part of your day. Just when you start to wonder how the hell you mood could feel any more helpless, the busyness of getting a family out the door kicks in.
You move through your day on auto-pilot not quite sure what or how it all happened. You’re numb emotionally because the smallest obstacles and annoyances in life either make you want to fly off the handle or cry, so sometimes it’s best if you just shut down and try to ignore everything. Which really, really sucks for your family.
Depression is a pit that you cannot see out of and sometimes suicide makes sense which is pretty damned scary and sucks really really bad.
By God’s grace a ladder was extended down into my pit and I made my way back out. Sometimes I look down into that pit and wonder how I can make use of the second chance that Jesus gave me.
Depression is tossing awake in the early, early hours with your mind rambling at 100MPH and not being able to turn it off.
Depression is when you finally get out of bed, but it took every ounce of energy because you know that the mornings are the worst part of your day. Just when you start to wonder how the hell you mood could feel any more helpless, the busyness of getting a family out the door kicks in.
You move through your day on auto-pilot not quite sure what or how it all happened. You’re numb emotionally because the smallest obstacles and annoyances in life either make you want to fly off the handle or cry, so sometimes it’s best if you just shut down and try to ignore everything. Which really, really sucks for your family.
Depression is a pit that you cannot see out of and sometimes suicide makes sense which is pretty damned scary and sucks really really bad.
By God’s grace a ladder was extended down into my pit and I made my way back out. Sometimes I look down into that pit and wonder how I can make use of the second chance that Jesus gave me.
Man I am a little bit of both right now. My wife and I are 9 months onto a church plant and our conference can no longer support us. We tried to raise the money through individual churches but were unsuccessful. I have no job and the prospective places I am talking to don’t want to hire until the new year. Did I mention that our last support check came in August. Pray for me.
just started on meds myself…long story about a church that will be unable to support/guarantee a salary by years end, my job keeps changing things up on me, and God has yet to reveal what He has in store for us…for me, its having a VERY short fuse with my boys, who have nothing to do with any of the situations – yet are feeling the fallout of mommy and daddy being stressed and depressed. God has provided a Christian md who understands and didn’t hesitate to offer medicinal assistance for me as well as his prayers.
Depression for me comes when I fall back into believing all the things Satan tells me about myself. Rooted in childhood, showing up in adulthood. It feels like I can’t think, can’t speak well, just want to be left alone and sleep and cry. Feels like I could easily run away to a far away city and just hole up in a hotel. Feels like I understand why people start drinking and using drugs- anything to make this feeling stop. It’s like I KNOW the things that will help me feel better, but I just can’t make myself do them.
Added to this is that I am terrified that if I take meds, I will have to admit that I need them forever. And I am also really scared that I won’t be allowed to adopt from certain countries…so I battle it with the help of friends, my husband, laughter, exercise, sheer willpower, the Word and Dr Pepper.
Denying the existence of true physical depression and telling someone who’s brain is not making enough of a certain chemical that it “is all of el diablo” as Mackenie has done above is nothing short of spiritual abuse.
Our brains produce chemicals that we need to maintain health. If your brain doesn’t regulate those chemicals appropriately you have problems.
It is because of comments like the one above that so many in the church suffer in silence.
I’m a psychiatric nurse married to an associate pastor. I have worked to help those who struggle with depression, and I have been on the other side of the desk too. It’s dark and lonely. You know that feeling when you are surrounded by people but you feel utterly alone? Well, to me, depression was like that constantly. It hurt.. emotionally, physically and spiritually. A little more than a year ago, I had hoarded enough pills to effectively commit suicide (being a psych nurse, I knew better than to do it halfway). I had a date and had written my goodbye letters. and then God intervened through the words of a counselor and the unconditional love of my husband. Healing from depression is always a miracle. Sometimes God chooses to work instantly, and sometimes He works it out little by little through counseling and medication therapy. We need to be more open with these struggles and combat the stigma against it.
thanks for opening this discussion!
IT DOESN’T FEEL. Good, bad, light, dark, it all becomes the same. You’re numb. There’s just nothing there. And feeling nothing is way more exhausting than feeling sad.
Have never been depressed, but anxiety has definitely surfaced. After pastoring the same church for 20 years and only having 75 in attendance you begin to wonder if things will ever change. Anxiety or worry over the future eventually becomes acute. However, four things have helped me over the hump: My wife believes in me to the max. I have an incredible staff member who has believed in me and encouraged me greatly. Steven Furtick’s message at Catalyst was HUGE, can’t say enough. And last but not least, Scripture and the belief that God still has a plan and a future for me.Hope that helps someone.
I couldn’t read all the comments. I know that Jesse H and Stephanie said alot of what I feel. I have struggled with it off and on for years. Depression and anxiety and even bipolar run in my family. So, it is genetics, probably some chemical. I was told to take medicine once, but never have. I can tell you that I don’t always deal with my depression very well. Right now, I am struggling with it big time. Lots of changes and stresses and I not in any kind of control. For me I feel lonely, abandoned, unloved, and hopeless. To deal with it I usually force myself to pray and pray and pray some more. Tonight I am forcing myself to visit a church I have never been to because I still haven’t found a home church here. Honestly, all I want to do is hide in my room and cry. I have a hard time doing anything and motivation is almost nonexistent. Yet, I know that is what I am going through and I force myself to look to someone besides myself. It usually helps even if it takes a while to get out of it.
Also, thanks Los for posting on this. It helps reading everyones comments on their depression because I then don’t feel like I am all alone in this battle and that I am crazy.
Ah, depression. My specialty. Sorry for commenting so late in the game. What works for me? Medication, and during this time of year a light box for light therapy due to seasonal affective disorder, and counseling. I’ve been on medication for a number of years and actually got a degree in college related to it, so when I get attacked by people who tell me that I’m depressed because I don’t trust God enough or am sinning by taking the medication I just laugh. The way I see it, God made pharmacists. They made anti-depressants. Ergo- God had a hand in it. God doesn’t want me to be a non-functional or walking around threatening suicide. I think He likes me just the way I am, even if that means 60mg of Cymbalta in the morning
Yes, very hard to admit. No one needs more advice about having more faith or being more optimistic. What does it feel like? It feels bad, dark clouds hovering over your brain waves, like a boot lock on your expired parking space. Desparate for help. Depression and anxiety seem related to me, though of course, not identical.
As for getting past it? it’s an on-going battle. I think not everyone gets deliverance. I have to try new tactics and strategies. Haven’t found a magic bullet.
Depression…so much to say I cannot say it. The tears are there though.
Feeling like a shadow…not there…invisible.
Wishing I could disappear.
Knowing I'm not enough.
So much more I want to explain…but came here tonight just trying to hold on…