So I’m A Dad // And It Breaks My Heart
There are feelings you will never experience until you have a child.
What a bunch of crap.
How can you, old married fat dude, tell me, hip cool wannabe-sexually active virgin, that kids create some sort of deeper level of who I am?
I know. I know. All you singlets out there click off when you start reading this crap.
Oh no. Another father post.
Yea.
But I felt something tonight I have never, ever felt.
I still don’t know what it is called.
It was confusion mixed with pain, mixed with fear, mixed with love.
Sohaila has been suffering with eczema for years.
She has had it so bad that her beautiful arms are splotched with large white patches of discoloration.
When it is bad her arms are almost reptile like.
She NEVER says anything about it.
She NEVER says anything about it.
She NEVER says anything about it.
She knows she needs to put her lotion on and does not complain when it is itching her like a wild fire.
She wears bathing suits and sleeveless shirts with her friends and never even bats an eye to the splotches on her arms.
She likes it when I scratch her arms at night as she goes to sleep.
She is a confident, proud, little girl and hears her daddy tell her 45 times a day that every other daddy in the world is jealous of me because they can’t call her theirs.
She always blushes, bats her eyelashes at me, then tells me she loves me.
Well she got this funk the other day.
Impetigo.
It gave her some rash under her bottom lip.
The doctor treating her saw her eczema as well and gave us the typical ointment with steroids that we never put on her because we are trying to find a treatment that does not have steroids in it.
For the sake of the cause, we went ahead and put the ointment on her arms.
The impetigo is already going away with the antibiotics.
She never says anything about her skin.
But tonight,
When Heather was putting her to bed,
After 3 days of the cream on her arm,
Without any prompting,
She looked at Heather and said…
“Look mommy!!! It’s working! It’s working!”
Her arms were smooth and my eyes were wet.
When I heard her I knew.
I knew no amount of love I pour over her has been able to offset the fact that she lives with this everyday and at the sight of healing, she couldn’t help but shout out.
I’m crying as I type this because I had no idea.
No idea.
How strong she is.
Strong enough to never complain.
Strong enough to show her arms to the world.
All the while praying inside that her arms would look normal.
Heather responded with…”Yea baby. It is working.”
Sohaila just smiled…
grabbed her piggy…
and went to sleep.
So yea.
I am proud, sad, in love, and sorry.
All those things mixed together.
For a 6 year old.
Who has the soul of a giant.
But the heart of a little girl.
You have no idea.
I didn’t,
Until tonight.
Los
What a sweet and strong girl you have.
Parenting is amazing, isn't it? It has refined and deepened me like nothing else.
children are little lights… so brave, so strong, so wonderful
All those things we never knew…or cared to believe.
They are true. So true.
once again, i just want to say to you… thank you for loving your girl and in such a way that she knows that you love her. the love from daddy and the way he shows it, is the one thing that a girl carries with her forever. yes, her arms might be itchy and scaly… and this might bother her on a level that you never knew… but imagine if her arms were itchy and scaly and her daddy didn't comfort her? seriously, Carlos (and Heather). you rock as parents. thank you for the example.
I have three kids and I have not had to go through something like that with them. I definitely understand going through a mixture of emotions like that with them, but not with a situation like your daughter deals with. I know that's got to be tough. Kids make the world a brighter place, and many times they show adults how to really live. Sounds like you're a blessed man!
I'm like you, constantly amazed at the strength of my kids and their complete faith in the goodness of the world that surrounds them. It speaks volumes about your daughter that she can endure the pain and irritation of the eczema without complaint and can still react with amazement at her healing with joy and glee. Truly the hand of God lives in your home and fills your child during her times of struggle.
At 40, I wish that I could claim (or even understand) the simple reliance on God to heal and protect me that our children possess. Don't you?
wow. what a beautiful testimony. my sister has a skin rash all over her body too, a lot like psoriasis but not exactly. she's 10 and she's had it for almost 3 years. they've tried every treatment…but she still has 'em.
this story gives me hope…to continue to pray for her….to continue to believe that healing is possible.
thank you for sharing this.
Awesome man….awesome.
Carlos,
My Caitlin also suffers from psoriasis. I understand your desire to treat sans steroids. Most nights she falls asleep while I scratch her ankles. It's our special time. I wish I could fix it. But I can't. But she knows she is deeply loved, too.
Thanks for sharing!
R
Amazing post…love it! My wife had eczema growing up and spent so much time with her dermatologist. It was extremely tough for her, but she has no ill effects of it now. I shared this post with my wife and she really understood where your daughter is coming from. We hope and pray that the cream continues to work and that your daughter's skin gets better.
Cheers!
Okay, so you are not the only one crying! Thanks for being so transparent. I bet any one who was thinking they didn't want any children just changed their mind!
Kids are amazing. May God renew my eyes to always seem them fresh and new and shower them with more love than I can ever imagine. May He give me the power to understand and appreciate how to balance love, with discipline, and training them up in the way they should go. Continue to remind us Los of these precious moments in our days that maybe we don't see.
Singlet here. Powerful story. It got to me too. Praise God for that… And for loving us until the day we say “it's working!”
Sweet. As someone who has had impetigo and excema (which just miraculously went away one day after years of it being all over both legs), I know how uncomfortable Sohaila must be–so what a testament to her strong and humble spirit. Thanks for sharing this.
Wow… how precious and amazing. To have the heart and eyes of a child is what we are called to have…. This little girl has it all…. She is a soldier for Christ through and through… Thank you for sharing such an tremendous testimony with all of us.
Well said. I'll be here crying if you need me…
It's always bittersweet for me when I hear a father post about their child in such a loving way.
Today at church our pastor said something about children imitating their fathers, and my 7 year old son's face fell but just for a moment. Just for a split second, I was able to see his pain. And it broke my heart.
His dad died when he was 2 and his sister was 5.
So every time I hear a post like this, it prompts me to pray that Christ will fill the gap. That he will send men into my son's life who can love him and just be Jesus with skin on.
That's awesome man. It hit.
We dads are such wusses huh?
Los,
As a father of three, with one little girl that also suffers from this (though only a lite case), it really is amazing the things that they can teach us. I am constantly amazed by the strength and humility of spirit that my children are able to exhibit to me. I immediately think of the admonition of our Savior to have “faith like that if a little child.” Thanks for sharing your heart.
Chad
teary eyed dad right now…
you made me cry, darn you.
Thank you God for Sohaila for her spirit and her strength that you have equipped her with…I pray you continue to build these incredible qualities in her as you shape her and prepare her for all you have created her to be…protect her watch over her and keep her Lord…in your truly amazing name I pray…amen
yeah dude. being a dad is the best thing in the world. it is impossible to explain to to someone who isn't one…and impossible to understand unless you are one.
this just might be my new favorite post.
what a great dad. your family is beautiful.
thanks for sharing this.
I love to hear stories like these. God totally speaks through children.
Forget the singlets. They don't know what they're missing.
That is awesome! I happen to be the wanna-be-sexually-active-virgin-who-clicks-off-father-posts. But I also have three sisters, and that is so awesome!
Hey man, first time commenter, been reading for a couple days. Thats one special little girl you've got there. You should be very proud.
Wow. as a dad and someone who suffered from psoriasis (as an adult), I really feel you. I hated those ointments and all the stupid side effects. I thank God that my daughter does not have to deal with what I had to.
Being a dad is really the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
On the side, and I know about unsolicited medical advice etc etc. I spent 2 years with those stupid ointments and what broke the psoriasis for me was UV treatment, 4 months later it was gone. That and I have to watch my protein intake, too much protein makes it flare up again.
Love you guys.
Dang it, you just made me cry!
I too suffer from eczema on my arms something horrible- the thought of something actually working is so good! I understand your sentiments as a parent too. Everything about life is different when you're a parent. I have a huge, overblown fear of the stomach flu and throwing up. Last week, when my son caught it, then gave it to me, all I cared about was whether he was ok, whether he was dehydrated, when to call the Dr. I follow your blog and Heather's and you've got awesome kids!!!
Why does your blog always make me cry??!!
I too have a child with eczema, no where near as badly as your daughters'. But still, it's eczema. I hate to see the those blotches on his legs and hands……………hate to see the cracks and bleeding and be able to do so very little about it. Joel asks when it will go………..'Who knows baby'. I pray for both your 6 year old daughter and our 6 year old son, that we see an end to it SOON!!
Thanks Los for sharing from the heart AGAIN!
My cousin (who is now almost 20) has had very serious eczema since she was very young, she recently found the OTC ointment Aquaphor to be very helpful.
Carlos, Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It hit's so close to home for me buddy.
I have those same thoughts about my 6 yr old and his coughing fits. We've had similar moments like you described above and it's rough. It's amazing how much stronger then me he is.
Los,
No words man. Wow.
Blessings,
Gene
Wow. It feels good, don't it? Thanks for this.
Los, thank you for sharing your heart. How blessed you are and how blessed Sohaila is!!
WOW! What a great post about the love of a daddy for his little girl! I have a daddy who would be the same way and I'm 29!
Oh man, you made me cry over my coffee.
What a special girl!
It's so true, the feelings that come with being a parent. My daughter has terrible eczema, also. We've also tried to avoid the inevitable steriod cream they always give us. I'm thinking we may need to break it out because right now her body is covered and I know she must be in pain constantly from it.
This was such a sweet post, Los.
oh man, don't make me cry at work!
sohaila sounds like an amazing girl who's going to grow up into an amazing woman of God. you & heather are great parents and role models for the rest of us, even a singleton like me
Awww Carlos that is SO sweet!
okay…first heather's blog made me cry this morning (seanna missing california) and now yours. that was beautiful and it's amazing the way you love her.
Los,
Man, I totally need to stay at work this morning, and even though my day began by cuddling both of my daughters… I want to get up from my desk, go to their school, check them out, and spend the day with them.
Luckily, I get to hang out with them this afternoon and all day tomorrow.
I once heard parenting described as having your heart walk around outside of your chest for the rest of your life… and I think the description fits.
grace and peace to you and yours.
beautiful words from a daddy's heart.
i'm the mom of 2 girls, who are now 16 and 20. there have been so many of these moments i can't count. how i wish i had recorded them like you did here.
but from now on i will.
thanks.
Being a parent is a powerful thing. It is the best!! BTW I have found a product at Walgreens called Zinc something or other. It costs about 40 or 50 dollars and is found in the womens facial products and it really works on my son's ecsema.
My 4 yr old son has the same thing with his skin. He has had it since he was about 8 months old. I TOTALLY share those emotions with you. I can't tell you the amount of times I've asked God to put it on my skin instead. Isn't it crazy how we think we are supposed to be teaching our kids the ways of life and everyday they teach us more than we ever will teach them?
ok los it's been a while. Anyway, Will struggled with it for years too. This is not a deep emotional post. Just wanted to share something that worked for us. Cetaphil. We used the soap and lotion. It is extremely mild. The soap does not even lather. Then we would put a thick layer of lotion before bed. It was slower that the cortisone but it worked!!! Tell H hi from the Tibbetts!!!
Singlet. Not singelton. You are so much more than a singleton.
Thanks for your words on your blog the other day.
Los
Awesome, I know that feeling too.
Hang on tight.
My baby is getting married in May.
i will never ever complain about your 'Daddy posts'.
It is good for me to read how Jesus really intended fatherhood.
I didn't have a dad like you..and i regret that, but reading these posts puts a fire back in my heart toward my heavenly father.
You are an amazing dad, los.
please don't ever get discouraged about that.
your girls will grow up to be radiant, beautiful & have a gracelike confidence. be proud!
and be encouraged!
what a precious little girl
Thanks Chica.
Really appreciate it.
Wow! You cried as you typed and I WEPT… literally sat here at my computer and wept while I read about the amazing strength of a 6 year old little girl and the daddy that loves her.
Amazing strength that I, as a 28 year old mom of 2 girls, do not have.
Sohaila is an amazing little girl!
every child deserves a dad like you.
she is very special.
yes, i cried too. as a mom I feel these same emotions for my own daughter.
as a multiple allergy sufferer who has lived with rashes and reactions for years…50 years to be exact….may I share the one thing that has changed my life?? Going GLUTEN FREE. No more steroids, no more inflammation, rashes.
Just wanted to share this for those who might be searching for a cause.
Oh poor girl. I have had nasty eczema my whole life and now my daughter also has it. My husband didn't used to understand until I explained it to him. It's a hard thing for a girl to live with….and yes, she is very brave and strong. I have always been one to cover mine up as much as possible.
And good for you guys for staying away from the steroids! There ARE other options…lots of them! If you haven't already tried it pick up a tub of Aquaphor and cake that stuff every night right after you get out of the bath!
Beautiful…and as a dad of a little girl the same age, you had me crying, too….I really enjoy your blog, my friend…thanks for sharing it.
now you got the rest of us crying with you. these kids ARE amazing and will be strong enough to conquer whatever life throws at them. thanks for sharing.
my little one Lilly has it too and we struggle with the itchies, blotches, redness, scales, un-scented EVERYTHING, lotion and potions. i feel you!
One of our kids went through a 4 year health nightmare. The soul of your child can indeed knock you to your knees when these moments show. It's God in them—so amazing when we don't even get it but He's at work in them.
aww…poor thing. I had it for years too, though as an adult. It's painful, ugly and I hated it. She's a very strong girl, and what a sweet story. I love the father posts. They're not dumb at all! Don't ever think that! What worked for me, and has worked for my friends' children's excema is going dairy-free. Don't know if you all have tried that one, yet. But I've seen it work for a lot of others.
Wow Los, thanks for making me cry at work man. I have no words right now other than I miss you and your family.
So sweet. But doesn't it just boggle your mind that Jesus loves her even more?
yea, my daughter Evangeline has been living with diabetes since four weeks after turning two. Shots, seizures, stopping play to check blood sugars and give insulin. Passing out, lying about what she's eaten, what her blood sugar is, crying, not eating enough or eating too much, all because her pancrease doesn't work at all. She is on an insulin pump now but she is also 12 now so puberty has made everything even harder. BUT she spends 85% of her life not complaining about it and being way braver then I.
Once when she was 2, about six months after being diagnosed, she was sitting in her car seat and she grabbed her medic alert bracelet and said “mommy when I grow up I wont have diabetes anymore and I can take this bracelet off” I starred straight ahead driving so she would see me weeping as I told her that unless God healed her or doctors found a cure, she would always have diabetes.
There is NOTHING like the pain you feel when your kids are in pain. It is overwhelming but like you said, they make you so proud and bursting with love and joy when they handle it all way better then we could.
I can so relate! Our 5yo Preston has eczema~we go the natural route too~and as a toddler sometimes he'd get up six times a night for his itchy spots to be lotioned. Then every morning when asked how he slept he'd reply with a cheerful, “GREAT!” (((((HUGS))))) sandi
That post was poetry.
What a post. What a girl. What a dad! Praise the Lord for both of you (and Heather, too!)
On a related note, I applaud you for wanting to avoid the steroids. I had HORRIBLE acne in college and did everything I could to avoid all the nasy meds that doctors wanted to put me on. Arbonne's acne line was what finally made my acne go away.
They also sell a baby lotion that is all-natural. A grown-man friend of mine used it on his eczema that he'd had for years and it went away completely without any side-effect. I can get you some samples, or I'm sure there are plenty of reps in the Atlanta area. You can even get a sort of “membership number” to get the products at a 35% discount. Check out their website or shoot me an email if you want some more info. I'm happy to help.
yeah… wusses r us… i was tearin' up feelin' a smidge of the pain you must feel. keep on lovin' on her and affirming her as the strong and beautiful child of the king that she is!
wonderful and amazing. . .the lessons we learn from the ones we hold so dear. . .
I think the relationship you have with your children is amazing. What you and H have poured into their lives has already started being reflected back.
Moving to Chicago has made us realize how many children don't have actively involved, loving fathers in their lives – especially children of color. My husband gets stares when he is out with the kids and being the great dad he is. Several strangers have actually commented on how nice it is to see.
It makes my heart proud to know that there are daddies that love their daughters as intensely as you do. I didn't (don't) know my earthly father but I know that heavenly father has my back and loves me even more intensely. It's just sometimes I wish I had an earthly father that I could know.
Thank for loving your kids w/ your whole heart!
Fatherhood and heartbreak, they go hand in hand, but it's a beautiful heartbreak. I think it must be close to what God feels about us.
Awesome post – I know I'll appreciate these kinds of things even more when I'm a father. It's amazing how a father's love and affirmation can shape a girl's self-perception. Keep it up Los and you'll have a daughter someday with a healthy view of herself!
Lovely post. As someone who has/had father issues, stories like these mean so much….thanks for sharing.
umm . . . dang . . . I just crush under the weight of the strength and resilience GOD give our children . . I pray GOD will crack the sky everyday just to relieve the pressure, since His word tells us what happens afterward . . . Parenting isn't for sissies Continue to pray to be at least as strong as our children
Oh my goodness dude. I almost cried when I read this. I can sympathize.
I am so madly in love with my children that I sometimes cry just thinking about them. It truly is a different kind of love that a person will never know until they are a parent.
Thanks for sharing. And most of all, for loving your child.
God bless.
Parenting can be so discouraging and encouraging in the same breathe…but just know you are never alone and thank goodness our kids are so forgiving and just move along.
Thanks for a wonderful post
Our son has Tourette's Syndrome. He has had episodes of bizarre and loud noises from his mouth, crazy and uncontrollable movements and unexplained and unprovoked rages. He's a middle schooler, as if that weren't hard enough without something like TS to go along with it.
I have watched in awe as he holds his head high when people question him abotu why he does these strange things. I have heard him poke fun at himself at times. and I have listened as he pours his heart out to God begging for Him to heal him before he wakes up in the mornings.
I have grown because of him. I have learned what trust and faith are really all about because of him. I thought that I understood how God loved me before I was a mom, but I think I am only now seeing glimpses of the depth of what He feels for me.
thanks for this beautiful reminder tonight. Blessings on you and your family. and many praises for a healing!!
Sniff…sniff. God Bless her big heart
What a beautiful soul your daughter has. How lucky you are.
You're right. I have no idea. But as a “singlet” who didn't click off, I hope I get it someday.
Carlos,
my friend. it is these posts that make your community so large and faithful. it's your heart that shares these things that make your friends love you (in spite of yourself) and it's this gift that helps you to truly be authentic and share Jesus' love with the world.
I was just telling my man the other day about how passionately you write sometimes. Remember, LONG, long time ago… I don't even think you and Heather were married yet, and you guys got into a car accident? You emailed those of us “few” sandals members and shared your heart about the whole event. it was SO powerful. i've never forgotten. i thought to myself back then that you truly loved her and it was so beautiful.
thank you for always being real and authentic…and not bending or changing to please the masses. miss you my friend. i'm hoping to be able to stop by and get a squeeze on 12/12 when i'm out there for a few hours…rhi
Yeah. Kids wreck you. It's amazing.
I agree with Kat… nothing like parenting to truly refine you… when I begin to think it's me that's doing the teaching… I'm reminded that each one was sent to teach me as well (and obviously I have a lot to learn since there's so many teaching me!)
I so understand!
My 10 year old daughter has had a long term bladder problem that is very embarrassing when it often happened in public. She was the same, always acting brave, most of the time acting like there never was a problem and us having to shield her from hurtful words of others.
When she turned 9 the problem started to go away. We had tried to gently talk to her about it in the past, and sometimes her hurt would show and she would say, “I don't want this problem mommy”. Our hearts would break for her but medically the doctors said it was something she would need to out grow. I would have worn a bag the rest of my life if I thought she could not have had this problem for 10 years, seeing her hurting heart has killed me as a parent!
One day her eyes lit up when I told her how many days it had been since she had had an accident, she IMMEDIATELY said, maybe I can have someone spend the night now, maybe I can go on the fifth grade field trip now. She was so excited. I went in the other room and wept because I realized she was always thinking about it, even though she did not talk about it or complain.
My Candy has more courage than I. She is brave and beautiful. I am asking God to heal her heart and insecurities she has hidden so well.
Happily I can report she is almost 100% better. She has spent the night with friends and had a couple spend the night. I realize how it still holds her back at times, I think the fear. She is one brave little girl.
This is the first time I've stumbled across your blog…and the timing of finding this post about your little girl was great.
I, too, am the father of a little girl (and 2 little boys as well) that amazes me. Reading about the strength of your daughter made me reflect on my own.
You hit the nail on the head. Until you're a parent, there's no way you'll understand things like this. It reminds me of The Gospel.
The Bible says that it's message is foolishness to those who don't believe…but to those who believe, it is the Power of God. Being a parent is the same way. If you're not one…it just won't make sense. But once you have children of your own, it's immediately who you are…no explanation possible or necessary.
Thanks for a great post.
Okay those words made me tear up. Thank you for writing that. It takes a strong man and a wonderful father to put his heart out to the world like that. To open up about the most emotionally vulnerable topic, his children is just beautiful. Continue to write. Singletons can learn from it. A Fathers love, no a parents love is fierce, beautiful and ever growing.
Precious girl! Thanks for sharing! I can so understand what you are describing. My daughter has Type 1 Diabetes and this year a knee issue and yet she smiles and is happy and confident and faithful. It brings me to tears-not her.
Preachin' to the choir bro. My kids break me daily.
Thank God.
This is the reason I read…
…and maybe the reason Christ taught by story….
This is the reason I read…
…and maybe the reason Christ taught by story….
I understand you brother, I can't wait to have kids when the time is right.