I’m A Winner, I’m A Sinner
I remember it first happening when I was 6.
I was riding my bike down the gravel path behind Rehoboth Elementary School in Decatur, GA. The rocks seemed so much bigger as I was screaming down the hill. Shippy was right on my tail. My tan and gold banana seat racer was fresh out of the box. I could still see my dad’s smile displayed proudly underneath his mustache as I opened the box.
It was my dream. As close to ecstasy as a six year old in 1979 could feel. Well besides the time Mary Helen gave me her brand new set of scratch and sniff stickers. The stickers smelled sweet, but her love smelled sweeter. I still can’t believe she gave those to me.
Back to the bike.
“Here I come Carlitos!!!” Shippy screamed.
No way.
I had dreamt of this moment for 2 weeks. Ever since Shippy had gotten his cobalt blue 1976 HMX. It was a Japanese BMX knockoff. But none of us cared. All we knew was that it was fast. The fastest on Rehoboth Hill.
My dad was a pastor. I was his kid. I had a set of dimples Gary Coleman would be jealous of. My mini fro was parted perfectly down the right side of my dome. I could woo any Sunday School teacher in the country. I rolled my r’s when I said my name. I was that kid. And I knew it.
As Ripley and I rounded the first corner, we hit a stretch of gravel where none of the neighborhood kids were screaming. We were all alone. Just two 6 year olds flying down a hill at what had to be a good 2 miles an hour. We were the wind.
Then it happened.
I peeked over my left shoulder to see Shippy in his tuck position. I slowed down, let him catch up, then swung my left arm so hard it knocked him clear off his ride. I remember the guilt shoot down my legs and then back up my spine. It finally found a seat in the middle of my throat.
And then clear as Fresno sky, I remember the guilt leaving me the second I rounded the corner to hear the screams of my 7 fans. I crossed the finish line and waited for my victim to limp across. But he never did. I later found out that Shippy had picked up his bike and walked through the woods back to his house. He never spoke to me again. I’m now 35. And I am as completely a self observed lying sinner as I was back then.
That was the first moment I remember making a conscious decision to sin. I’m sure I did before then. Just ask Carmen. She’s my mom. Yet that was the moment I first lost the battle inside my heart.
And it continued, hourly, from that day to this one.
Los
RAIN IT DOWN
Heavy stuff man… But good to read!
…Same power that conquered the grave lives in us!…
Preach
Thank you for this pot and for your transparency man. I am working hard now to think of some of my early sins man. The list is so long. I think I have one in mind that I may blog about. It may be even worse than yours
-Shaun
Ha!!!
i dropped a plank on a kid on purpose just to see what would happen…
you certainly aren't alone Los. Whether it be a bike race or life's race I am still guilty of pushing people aside to get ahead. The accolades are good to hear. The credit is nice to receive. But at the expense of others and their feelings? No. Thanks for the "thinking" post.
you're welcome
So, the big question – have you made things right with Shippy.
Dude, I have never (no offense) connected with one of your blog posts like I do this one. That feeling you described so vividly is one I can relate back to a similar type story of my own childhood… substituting running a timed race instead of the bike race. That bottoming out of the stomach as soon as I saw his face smash into the hard tiled floor was one of the worst feelings I've ever felt.
What's worse? The fact that the bottoming out of my stomach from the guilt gradually fading with every decision to sin I faced. Then…nothing. There are still things I do sometimes that I don't feel bad for in the slightest.
But then there is the convicting power of God. And then, grace.
I just strive to struggle well in the this world.
Dang, that poor kid. I wonder if he still thinks of that day….
I'm sure he does. Facebook, google, nothing can find him. Maybe he will read this.
Wow, vivid and real!
Every Saint has a past and every sinner has a future…
Maybe you should look this guy up and say sorry. I wonder if he still remembers it. I wonder if he is a regular reader of this blog
And the search continues…
Ouch. Proves the point too that we can't judge by outward appearances. Sometimes the "cute" kid/person who looks / acts the part around a crowd (Christain who put on the fake face of perfection on Sunday) is really knocking others off their bikes when no one else is looking.
Maybe I should re-read / proof spelling before I click submit. Haha. Pardon my typo's above.
You guys get the point.
I wondered the same thing…
Well the bigger question is have YOU made things right with your Shippy?
Fair enough… I actually have… sort of. A few years ago, I worked with a guy in my ministry & in a band we played in together that ultimately didn't end well. I kept a lot of bitterness for a long time over the way I felt I had been treated (felt being the key word – perception is everything). About a year later, after feeling that lump of ridiculous conviction and guilt about the grudge I kept grow every time his name came up, I extended the apology & an attempt at new beginning to have it roundly rejected. I found that although I would welcome a rebuilt relationship, there's not a lot I can do to regain his trust.
It's a pretty sobering reminder of my sinful nature, really.
And a better reminder of God and His grace… how often is HE the kid that I'm pushing aside to better myself?
Thanks for the reminder!
Wow, jerk. Just kidding. I did many things like that as a child.
Actually, I still do dumb things. Thank God for Grace!
Nice.
Yes. I have made things right with at least one "Shippy". Sadly, I'm thinking of others now. Dang! I've got some work to do. Gotta call my old neighbor and apologize for being a punk kid while he was trying to be a great youth pastor.
Ouch.
And I write that not because it is not a great question…IT is…But because I know it's easy on blogs to ask of others b4 yourself.
Preach. Guilt Fading.
That's a song.
oooooooo
Ha. But your point is valid.
Ha. But your point is valid.
We've all done something like that. A lot of us have also been victims of stuff like that too. It seems like every time I've brought up something horrible from my childhood (not – you know – that it happens A LOT), the victims hardly remember – but the "sinners" remember every guilty detail.
It's strange how the things we do TO people tend to affect us more deeply than the things that we suffer.
wow.
That might be the best written post of yours I have read. Felt like I was right there watching it. Of course, I'm pretty familiar with that feeling. Thanks for the great post!
maybe.. but hey don't be so hard on yourself you were just a kid. And if it makes you feel any better. I was bullied my whole life in school up into I hit highschool and all that bulling helped me stick up for the small guys. I would flirt with the nerdiest dorkiest kids just so the other guys would leave them alone or maybe think that kid had something they didn't. And if I ever saw anyone trying to put someone in a trash can or something I would go over and stop it, threaten to kick there ass, because I was this tall blonde chick and apparently pretty intimidating. So maybe this kid turned it into a positive like I did and protected others from getting bullied you never know.
That sounds like my childhood…I was a little thief and loved to steal the donuts (round padded things that went on the hand grips) off of kids handlebars. Maybe this leads into the reason I try to steal peoples thunder and the pride that gets in the way of celebrating others success. Hmmm….Just got me thinking in a funny but real way!
Thanks for your funny but real post!
True. I think that's why I don't tend to comment as much as I might. It's the plank and the speck. But this is one I've actually had on my heart for some time.
Found my old neighbor. He's an exec. pastor in KS. Gotta make that call.
Most days I remember someone else I need to seek out and apologize to. I find most of them….most of them are over it. I have lots of Shippy's. God willing, I will find them all and plant a garden that He will grow.
Preach. Guilt Fading.Yup. Good stuff.
Call. And if you find Shippy's number, let me know.
Thanks. It helps.
how do you reconcile yourself to this fact?
I am a jerk though.
Ha! I'll do that!
Thanks. Check out the "Best Of" category
To which fact?
Ya know, I read that with a lump in my throat. My first – I can't recall. Probably when I pushed an unknown kid off the top of the slide 'cuz he was taking too long. But the most vivid childhood event was in the eighth grade.
Debbie was the only friend I had in that town. For some reason, I was incredibly unpopular. Upon finding that my family was leaving town and heading for another state (Texas), I embarked on a mission of retribution. I wanted to fight every kid who ever did me wrong. I was going to leave my mark on Dublin and never look back. Debbie tried to stop me, so I punched her. That was the same year as your event, Carlos.
20 years later, I managed to track her down. I'm happily married and have no desire to rekindle a relationship – I just needed to tell her I'm sorry. She didn't even remember the event.
I felt better, though.
that we make conscious decisions to sin all the while knowing of the good that we have tasted from the Lord…
Of course my advise comes from my side of the table and 4 hours of sleep
this made my eyes water.
wow.
Ship-E's come in many forms,sizes, etc. Mine was in my older brother. We fist-fought all through Jr. High/High School . I'm talking knock-downs. We had it out once more when I came home from college. He was always bigger than me and older. I cleaned his clock for him later in life and then really regretted it. I asked his forgiveness shortly after that. The guy just loved to antagonize me. My dad at one point in high school got so fed up with it that he bought boxing gloves for us.