Does Your Spouse Know Who You Think Is Hot?
I have been known to make reference to when I think a person is smokin’.
This is something that is talked about widely with my wife and our friends.
It’s just normal.
But I do realize that some people don’t find this “normal”.
You and yours?
Do you confess your heart skippers?
Los
RAIN IT DOWN
I don't have a wife, so I can't really answer. But this was common conversation with my girlfriends – and they talked about who they think is hot as well. No biggie. Those conversations I found were actually a lot of fun most of the time.
most
Heck yeah, Frank and I talk about it too… no reason to hide. And he totally knows that when Ben Affleck finally realizes he loves ME… I'm gone! hahhaahaha
hahahaha
Yes and some of my very spiritual friends think it's awful.
tell me about it.
Oh yeah. Definitely.
The calendar.
Once there's been infidelity in your family, those sort of things make lousy conversation…just sayin'.
um……
Why "um…"?
if i were married, i would want to know…
yup
Yep, very normal
yea.
This is something I have been doing since we were dating. I was not going to hide my crushes. At first she was a little restiant and questioned it. Now she embraces it and has no problem expressing herself when she thinks someone is hot.
Yea. Heather is like…Baby, can you buy that outfit that guy is wearing? Code for she thinks hes hot
yes…and we even have boy and girl crushes that each of us know about. i have a lot of friends who think we are super weird….but maybe they are the weird ones.
Yes, and I only discuss it with her in a context that is appropriate. I will say, “I think see is beautiful. She is cute. She is wholesome.” I never discuss her anatomy.
um. That would be a good thing
Just the other day my wife and I were at a speaking engagement she had. She was speaking to a seniors class at my church. The leader, in front of his wife and with her agreeing, was talking about how good looking some young girl was.
I find it odd, but I don’t know what’s wrong with it specifically.
In our marriage relationship, or in our friendships (to my knowledge) we don’t really talk about how hot other people are. We spend a lot of time telling each other how hot the other person is though
Los, (I’m not saying this is good/bad/otherwise, I’m merely asking curiously,) how do you justify that it’s ok to say that some other man’s wife (or future wife or whatever) is smokin’ hot?
~JOSh-X
Um. Because they are? I dunno. No justification needed. It's just truth.
If it's true that your daughter is hot, do you want people saying it to each other? Just askin'.
What does 'hot' really mean, anyway…? To me it means lust-y thoughts.
Um. My daughter is 5. I would arrest them.
Just sayin.
Everybody is somebody's daughter, no matter what their age. That's all I'm getting at.
And yea. If they end up looking like their mom, they will be hot. No question.
However, she does know I have a man-crush on Brad Pitt. It's my weakness!
~JOSh-X
wow. me too. like 10 years ago!!!
yup.
otherwise, how would we know when to steal the remote from each other.
now for real life hotties. yah. we’ll share that too. we’ve never had a problem with that. i think brent is the hotterest (SO not a word) than any of them tho – but we both appreciate genuine “beauty”.
Oh yeah, we share this info. With the clear understanding that it's just an appreciation for God's creation.
;0
Yes, he knows. How else will he know who to dress up as and act like when we role play…?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My wife and I both are able to talk freely about who we might find good looking. it is not a lust issue, but like someone said earlier it is about enjoying creation. Is it odd though that I can point someone out to her that I know she will think is good looking before she gets a chance.
totally.
Call me crazy, but I only have eyes for my husband – really. He’s hot and sexy and has been my best friend since before we were married almost 13 years ago. As for him, I’m not sure who he does or doesn’t think is hot – and I really don’t want to know. That kind of information out of the bag is fun until its not. I think some Pandoras boxes are better left closed.
So are you saying that you do not find other men attractive?
I think we are saying the same thing.
My wife is my prize.
She is my passion.
But JLo still makes me double take.
It's not something I can pray away.
But I do agree.
We have also had the time in our marriage where it was "not fun".
So I hear you loud and clear.
so are you sayin, Carlos, that you tell her what celebrities that you have never met are hot or that your co-worker is hot? cuz yeah brad pitt is hot but my co-worker on my team, however attractive the world might think he is, is just not attractive to me and if he was im not sure what benefit for either of us there is in expressing that… i don't know is seems that celebrity sightings and my next door neighbor feel like two different things…
I asked my wife to see. She couldn't come up with any names but she said if she a picture she could tell if I would think so or not. She did say she knows I like red heads.
Anyway…
*cough*Jessica Alba*cough*
HAHAHAHAHAH
Oh ya, I tell my fictitious wife who is hot all the time.
Awesome.
yea, you would.
We have a…flexible relationship…so it's sometimes competitive.
Now come out!!!
'k :p
Actually, right now, I'm shopping for a bathing suit and I told Jimmy about the one I'm thinking of getting. I started to turn the computer toward him to show him the picture. He didn't look and just said, "I only want to see you in it…"
He mostly watches sports and when "team cheerleaders" are showed on the screen, he'll conveniently flip to another channel. When we watch a movie and a woman isn't dressed very well, I notice out of the corner of my eye the he's staring intently at his popcorn. Or, more often than not, at me.
I just mentioned this post and his reply was, "Well, I don't want to think about anyone else long enough to decide whether they're hot or not."
I think that's pretty hot.
That is hot.
But c'mon.
you DO think other people are attractive?
No?
Maybe I'm nuts.
But God made people BEAUTIFUL and I think it is ok to appreciate that.
Maybe the word "hot" is throwing some people.
Or maybe your husband is the cats pajamas and I need to drink what he is drinking.
'Cause I can tell in a nano second if someone is hot or not.
Great comment.
Hmmm…good question. I suppose I don't "think" other people are attractive as much as I "notice" it.
It doesn't occupy enough of my brain for it obtain to a second thought or to come out of my mouth. Honestly, I just don't want to go there. Or anywhere within a 100 miles.
Jimmy sometimes blows me away with his integrity – it's not just for me, but it's because he knows that God has entrusted his precious daughter (me) to him (Jimmy).
So he's fierce about honoring me and making me feel beautiful. Anything that doesn't do one of those two things he'll turn off, look away or flat out run from.
All I know is that he makes me feel incredibly beautiful and admired.
And not all wives feel like that.
Commenting on another woman's beauty is definitely something that is more likely to hurt than help, so I just wanted to throw in my two cents in the hopes that any guy reading this (and making it this far) will be sure he REALLY knows his wife before telling her how hot the girl on the tv or across the room is.
Sorry for the novel…you just got me thinking…
WOW, that is awesome. Sounds like your husband is awesome. I pray that I could be that good to my wife.
Thanks Jaime. He is pretty awesome. I pray you'll be an incredible husband too. Sounds like you already are!
I'm with you that it's good to be honest with your spouse, but it also needs good balance. There was a local pastor who "fell" due to an inappropriate relationship recently. It came out after the incident that it was fairly well-known that he and his wife often had conversations about who in their church they were attracted to, and beyond that, who they would most prefer to "do it" with.
So I agree there's a healthy level of authenticity one can achieve with their wife, but I also think it can go to far. Bottom line: I kind of think accountability related to attraction is best left to same-gender friends where brutal honesty is expected.
I think had the pastor told his same gender friends he wanted to boink that chick, it would have happened too.
My wife knows EVERYTHING about me.
Not just my male friends.
But then again, that is just us. I think it works differently for different people.
I ripped out my eyes years ago. Was I too literal?
lol
I think in some cases its no big deal, but there's the potential for trouble. It has a lot to do with who is being talked about, the situation, etc. One has to be careful that the description of somebody as "hot" is not something that crosses over into lust.
I know my wife thinks Hugh Jackman is hot and I'm sure she knows I think Megan Fox is a fox.
But put it in a different context. My Pastor's wife is a beautiful woman. That's just a fact. If my wife asked me what I thought about her looks I would say, "Denise is a beautiful woman." However, if she asked me and I said, "Oh man, Denise is smoking hot!", it could get uncomfortable.
I guess I have been ruined by my former church. Our whole staff was hot and we told each other all the time. LOL
If my husband said that at work (Caterpillar) he would get fired.
And Joan – right on, girl. That's how I feel, too!!!
Said what at work?
If he had the 'hot-or-not' conversation you said that you have with your friends, at his place of employment with his friends, he would be fired for sexual harassment. They have to take two classes on this very topic every year
Here's something for us to think about: should a place of public employment have a higher standard on the quality of their conversation than does a group of Christian friends on the words that come out of their mouths while in fellowship together?
I think you just like to ask questions that get people all fired up.
I can recognize an attractive man, but he registers in my mind differently than my husband does. More like I find my son or my nephew or one of my brothers attractive – I can see it, but it doesn't come with any bada-bing. That's all for Martin. We kind of set ourselves up for that, though. We'd both been involved with cheaters before we got together and we both made a strong commitment to being single-minded when it comes to members of the opposite sex. If I did go there, I know better than to give it a foothold by talking about it. Not because I am spiritual, but because I fear the potential downside of making room in my mind's eye for another guy. But that's just me.
well said.
I totally, fundamentally agree with you.
How long does it take for lust to take hold? We tell our students who are striving for sexual purity about the one look rule (once you realize that you're intrigued by someone – look away, and don't look back). Because we are not blind, we notice things, people, parts, whatever – and people obviously put themselves (or parts of themselves) out there for that very purpose – to be noticed. There are safeguards I feel married people should have in place – to protect themselves and each other. In my life this would be a slippery slope – I guard my marriage above everything except my relationship with Jesus. I think that's what the marriage covenant requires of us.
Change the channel, look away, keep your wife set apart from the rest – in your heart, mind, and soul. Comparison leads to discontentment. I"m done.
Yeah…we might not talk about it a ton but it is not a closed door thing. Actually what we think is really funny is pointing out women with really big FAKE chests…dude we laugh a lot!! Especially when we head down to see all our family in Southern Cal!! It is a different world down there than in Oregon!
Seriously? Does it not cause some jealousy? I think myself, by my experience so far (not married) might be a little too insecure to hear something like that…
It's either I tell him, or we pretend that he doesn't see me blushing when Benjamin Bratt, Anderson Cooper, Jon Stewart and Hugh Jackman come on the tv. Honesty is good.
Your wife is very beautiful. Your daughters are very beautiful. I just think it's a waste of breath to say that someone besides your spouse is hot.
Here's a formula I give my 10-yr-old son Ben (and myself – I'm no saint) when he's deciding whether or not he should say something:
1. Is it true?
2. Is is necessary?
3. Is it kind/uplifting/exhorting (anything along those lines)?
If it doesn't pass all 3, it shouldn't be said.
Haha yeah… I know if Giada de Laurentiis or Diana Krall comes knockin', I'm in trouble! Lucky for me they're both happily married & my fiancé and I are soon to be.
we definitely share… and we're both respectable. glad to know we're not the only ones!
Oh yes, I do know of my husband's partiality to Trinny & Susannah, as he knows how FOND I am of Ewan McGregor and David Tennant.
When it comes to in real life stuff, we made a conscious decision to steer clear – not avoiding talking about it but avoiding opportunity for those seeds to take root at all. It's a challenge, but we feel it's necessary in marriage.
Yeah!!! David Tennant!!! I was going to post that I thought he was hot (and my hubs knows and he's ok with it) But I didn't think anyone else would know who he was!!! I love him!!! (And Captain Jack.) I'll be so sad to see him leave the show!
So, I’m not married. I don’t plan to be any time soon. I’m not even in a serious relationship right now. So, perhaps that disqualifies me from espousing my opinion, but I’m going to anyway.
It seems to me that if I can’t share with my hypothetical spouse that I find someone attractive, it probably doesn’t offer the flexibility, authenticity, and humor that I desire from a relationship. When I get married, I won’t stop being human, and I doubt I’ll cease to find attractive that one guy on my preferred soap, LL Cool J, or the guy in the garden departmant at lowe’s. I should hope that I can talk about it in good humor. Just as I would want to share his attraction to Beyonce or the waitress. I think it’s perfectly healthy so long as it’s done all in good fun, and it doesn’t go beyond there. I’m certainly no expert on these matters, but that’s my humble opinion.
Hearing you put things in a such a way, I'd like to know your thoughts about esthetics. Are ugly people ugly because of sin? You would probably say that God created beautiful people, what about the not-so-beautiful people? Thanks Los,
that's a great question.
We absolutely share…I can’t imagine not being able to tell him something, even if it’s something that trivial.
Yes, but it goes both ways…I also have to confess to my wife that I may or may not have man-crushes on Brad Pitt, George Clooney (minus the Paris Hilton herpes), and Craig Groeschel!
My wife knows my jaw drops and I get stupid about beautiful women sometimes. But I also know where I sleep, and prefer my side of our bed, to the couch – so I try to keep it in check.
And she knows *I* know that if Daniel Craig knocked on our door half-nekkid, she’d turn him away. After a while.
s’ok, she knows where she sleeps too.
Hmm…well, my husband knows very well that I've had a long time crush on Johnny Depp…but since we've gotten married we don't really talk about that stuff. I dunno…maybe it's b/c we're newlyweds (11 months!) but we are in LOVE with each other, lol. I realize that attractive people exist in the world (ahem, Johnny Depp) but my husband is just the MOST attractive man in my eyes. Nobody compares. In fact, I think there's a distinction between being good looking and being attractive. I honestly don't find anyone else attractive except for my husband.
Though we both agree Keira Knightly is gooood looking.
And I know he only has eyes for me.
I dunno…I wouldn't want my husband thinking about how hot other girls are, I just want him thinking about how hot I am.
Also, I don't know if this is valid, but there seems to be a distinction between celebrities and your next door neighbor, know what I'm saying? Celebs are inaccessible…but if my hubs had a crush on our next door neighbor I wouldn't want to be around her ever!
Our first year married, we were at a bookstore looking at magazines. My darling husband declares "Halle Berry is way hotter than you." OBVIOUSLY he meant to say that the other way around. I still give him a hard time about it.
No, no, no. @loswhit, if your wife wasn't so gorgeous, I wonder if it would hurt her feelings, or even make her wonder if you think that other person is more "desirable" than her. Why chance it. Men ARE visual, but women ARE sensitive. If your spouse isn't as "hot" as the subject, why plant a seed of hurt. Don't do it, ya'll… Or if you do, say it so it sounds like your grandmother is saying it, "Hmmm, Brad Pitt is a handsome man." Now if one said, "her inner beauty is unbelievable", or "he's such a man of God" – that's good because anyone can attain that… God judges the heart… Why are we dwelling on the external that is gone in a moment?
Funny how controversial this is.
We talk about it. And laugh about it. And confide in each other.
Sometimes I am very surprised at the topics that you discuss as a worship leader. I know you want to be "authentic" but maybe you go overboard sometimes. Do you think Jesus thought the woman at the well was "hot?" Can you imagine the disciples standing around discussing women they were attracted to? I think not.
I can tell you this. The disciples did not sit around talking about Jesus all day.
And I share everything with my wife.
Everything.
I don't really know if Jesus found women attractive or not while He was on earth. I DO know He is God's son and He lived a sinless life, BUT he lived 33 years as a human and there is nothing wrong if he did think that a time or two. Although, I am guessing that they probably didn't use the word "hot" back then. Also, take 12 men or even women for that matter, Christian or not, and I bet a million dollars if they spend as much time together as the disciples did, someone will bring up the opposite sex at one point or another! Nothing wrong with that either!
I think this falls into the unwise category.
We know what celebrity the other thinks is gorgeous and everyone knows Grandpa is in love with Michelle Pfeiffer! BUT, no way do we discuss in real life people. That is just a recipe for disaster.
Whenever I wonder about something, I ask myself if the most spiritual mature person I know would do it. For example, would Jesus talk about the hot women he met? No, he would not. Would the head pastor at my church talk about which women in his congregation were hot? No, he would not. Would Billy Graham go around talking about the hot women he met? No, he would not.
Why not strive for the highest level of spiritual maturity in this area?
I do realize that you have lived in CA and now live in the South where gorgeous people are everywhere!!!!!!!
Very carefully
Am I blind? No. I can appreciate beauty. However, there's a fine line between recognizing beauty in God's work and the dangers of lust. And that is where feelings really get hurt.
My fiance' is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She's captured me mind, body and soul. I don't want for someone else, hence, I don't ogle other women. Which, for me and with my past, is saying ALOT. I worked like crazy to overcome those obstacles and embrace Godly love and lust for only my future bride. My love for my fiance is stronger than any previously learned behavior or cultural norms.
Also the whole "it's okay to have a crush if their famous and I'll never meet them" is also silly. It's still unholy lust! Just because, statistically, you won't have a chance to act on it doesn't mean it's not lusting. I would NEVER want Jess to say "I love you, but if Hugh Jackman comes by I'm going to cheat on/leave you." That's simply HEART.BREAKING. I want to believe that our love is stronger than a fleeting chance at stardom. So there's no ogling there either.
I think that culture has deemed far too many things are just "normal" when, in fact, they're not. So, as far as I'm concerned, it's not any more "normal" to have unholy lust than it is to smoke a cigarette. Yet, somehow, both are socially acceptable…it's kind of sad really.
Yep.
But it doesn't come up very often — like, MAYBE 2x in our 6 yrs of marriage. But she definitely knows my crushes and man-crushes.
I subscribe to Driscoll's take that our wives/husbands are our standard of beauty. That there is no such thing as "your type" and there is no such thing as "the one". However, the woman/man you marry… that's your type and the one! I think any talk about who is hot is a dangerous topic and a form of paganism (worship of created things instead of the Creator). We as Christians shouldn't lust after anyone other than our wives/husbands. This can be very destructive.
I'm not married yet but I think there's a fine line you walk when you talk about other people you find attractive while you're married. There's a silly quote that says "if you give Satan an inch, he'll become a Ruler." I'm sure it is at its most healthy when both the husband and the wife are open about it and acknowledging the fact that both sides are giving God mad props for His creation. However, despite the fact that I consider myself a confident, secure woman, I think there would be a small part of me wondering "do I measure up?"
Hi Los! Like you said before every couple is different. I 110% know where you are coming from with this post. Of course we all have heart skippers…if we didn't – we would be in denial or blind right?
Just sayin'.
Obviously, if the other person takes it too far and it's offensive then that is different. But, like you said – it's the truth. And, how much greater can a strong healthy relationship be if the other feels they can be 110% honest. I think that the ones that are in denial tend to be more secretive and that is worse and could be detrimental eventually.
I personally like to know and I like to say.
Keeps it open, real and fun. I like the authenticity & the honesty it brings – which ultimately brings us closer. It makes for a safe place and a safe relationship. Heather is a strong confident woman and she knows who she is. Confidence is hot fo sho! You also give her the confidence and build her up as her husband so there is no questioning how you feel about her…and gives her the confidence to be honest as well. 
And, any smart husband knows (no matter how close and honest the relationship is) they better not being sayin' anyone else is HOT when we are having one of those "fat" days or weeks. Ha ha ha! You know this right Los? Because that throws us into straight diet mode or tears or HE needs to learn to be quick to duck.
For those of you that didn't know this – this is a tip you should keep handy. 
Yes. Like on the show Friends, my husband and I both have "the list" of 5 people. But the one thing is that they have to be famous. I mean really, who wouldn't go ga-ga over Daniel Craig. The likelihood of me meeting him is nil. Or, if I were to meet him, I'd probably pee in my pants thereby reducing my chances with him drastically. I think if we were to sit around and talk about people we hang out with, it'd be both weird and innapropriate. Sure, we can acknowledge who amongst my friends is good looking, but it better be follwed by the phrase "but she's not as pretty as you, dear."
Oh and I also wanted to add that if my husband never told me he thought I was hot, it would be a serious issue when he mentioned Jennifer Connolly. Or Jennifer Garner. Or any other Jennifer for that matter.
My husband said Sara Evans can move in with us at anytime.
uh…if i had a friend who didn't do this, but wanted to, he could send his wife and email, right? or write a letter, or would you tell this friend to man up and for me(i mean my friend) to go talk to her right…aw nuts!
I think it’s funny that people are getting crazy about this… everyone has crushes on people – my mom tells my dad that if Hugh laurie ever came over he better move out of her way.
And of course me and Paul are always talking about our movie star crushes..
It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other or that we’re gonna go to hell for doing so. \
yea we share, guess were not normal either!
We have always done this. I think that it can make a healthier relationship instead of "sneaking" a look. We have been married 18 years and it actually makes people watching fun!
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is fair, whatever is pure, whatever is acceptable, whatever is commendable, if there is anything of excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy-keep thinking about these things.
just sayin'
its not going to lose in a court of law to verbalize to your spouse openly and often about who in your life you think is good-looking, but is it beneficial? is it helpful? does it build your marriage up? We have to be careful that we don't focus on just staying away from things explicity "wrong" or "bad" but that we instead pursue things that are pure, lovely, admirable…
I can see the 12, watching Jesus walk back from that foine thing at the well… eyebrows raised, grinning, elbowing each other. 12 grown men acting like 13 year old boys.
And Jesus smiles at them and says, "Verily I say unto you, 'Aww yeah. I'd forgive that.'"
Dude! You do love to stir the pot, don't ya?
I'm too jealous and he knows this. A conversation of that sort would put me right back down into wallowing in self hatred. Not worth it. Boo that I'm so sensitive, but it's the truth.
This post has had me wondering why Martin and I have taken such a hard line on this brand of fun, authenticity and other terms that have been used here for checking out other people and then telling each other about it. It hit me this morning. I know a lot of people who have stepped out of their marriages. Talking to them is an education. It never happens overnight and it rarely was intended from the beginning. Instead, "I don't know, it just happened" seems to be the most common explanation. Maybe some people posting here are fully confident that they would never fall into that behavior. I am not. I have no desire to step out on my husband and I want to protect that boundary from the part of me that would go there, given the right set of circumstances. in at all costs. Most everyone thinks "not our marriage" until it is "our marriage." We've decided to close the door on looking and take the time to become as hot as possible to one another which will include (and we talk about this too) figuring out a way to have that extend into our old age sagginess. Otherwise, someday we'll be looking at "hotties" younger than our kids and that doesn't seem as cute.
My daughter and I have some of those kinds of conversations (she's almost 18). It's just a "oh, he's too cute" kinda thing. But, my 19 yos pointed out that we probably wouldn't want he and his dad to have the same conversations in front of us. Point well taken.
So, I don't actually have these conversations with my husband, but with my friend…. my sweet, daughter : ) (May I point out here, these comments NEVER include words like "hot," "sexy" or "smokin'"…… and they never lead into deeper conversations about that person …. unless of course, we're talking about her "cute boyfriend" … which is how she refers to him ALL the time).
Think it depends on the relationship. And how the conversation is handled. I want my husband to know that there is absolutely no one else I with whom I would rather be. So, I guess I don't see how the conversation is beneficial to the marriage.
disclaimer: I am a single young woman in the church and have no marital experience. Nonetheless…
- I think the words "hot" and "smokin'" carry a lot of baggage and are almost immediately associated with sexual meaning. In this case, I believe that the Bible is clear on the issue.
- I believe that appreciating God's creation (even humans) is a form of worship, but only when the Creator is worshipped, not the creation.
- The motives of the heart matter the most to God. This is where you define sin issues. Talking about someone else's "hot" factor in sheer appreciation for beauty probably isn't a sin issue. However, referencing what you like to see for the sake of your own pleasure probably has more selfish desires/motives than anything else. That is sin.
It's probably different for each person in each circumstance.
We do share openly about our attraction to other people. We joke around about it ("Get your eyes back on the road, buddy!") – and have serious conversations about it ("I have lunch scheduled alone with my co-worker tomorrow. I want you to know that I am in no way attracted to her. But I also want you to know for accountability.").
If I know who he is attracted to and what his temptations are, we can talk about it openly and shine light into potentially dark places. This is especially true is one of us is traveling or otherwise away from the other. "Any hot girls staying at your hotel?" "Well, there's this one brunette, but she's too short for my taste." Once he knows that I know about that brunette, he will steer way clear of her. And it goes the other way as well. If he knows the guys that I think are emotionally or physically attractive, I am less likely to allow myself to engage in any inappropriate way with that person – either in real life or in fantasy.
Yeah me and my wife can talk about "heart skippers" as you call them. But more and more lately she's increasingly the hottest woman I know.
Cool blog by the way!
-David
http://www.happilymarriedafter.wordpress.com
http://www.davidisms.wordpress.com
My man and I are not uncomfortable letting each other know if someone else is hot. It's something we can tease each other about. Even with real life people. Because we know that we both honor our marriage, it isn't a threat at all.
I can see both sides, but we're with you and H on this one!
My beautiful wife and I have no problem mentioning off hand if we think someone else is good-looking. She knows that I think Carrie Underwood loves me.
And for some strange reason she just laughs at me…