Parenting // Condoms, Guns, and Deadbolts
Parenting.
It’s a hotter topic than health care reform.
Most people think they have it down.
I know I don’t.
I have a 7, 5, and 3 year old.
So far our deepest conversations have been about “Will it rain in heaven?”, “Can Jesus become invisible?”, and “Why is your tummy so big daddy?”
But I know the conversations will only get deeper.
I would like to know what you would do in this situation.
If you don’t have kids, you have parents so you can play along.
If you have kids, this will be easier.
I believe sex should be saved for marriage.
So when somehow you find out that your 16 year old daughter who loves Jesus and you is having sex with her boyfriend…
Do you let her know your disappointment yet give her condoms knowing she ain’t gonna stop?
Do you tell her she is going to have to live with her decision and give the tuff love?
Do you scare the hell out of her boyfriend and her and lock her in the house?
Or something else all together?
How would you handle this with your make believe or real 16 year old daughter?
Los
RAIN IT DOWN
I have a 4 year old daughter, and she is already 'popular' with the boys….whatever that can mean for 4 year olds. So I have a lot of great things to look forward to in her teenage years.
And not to be a downer, but if she makes it to 16 and is still a virgin, she'll be one of the late bloomers…
Anyway, I think mine will be closest to option #1. I hope that I can instill enough into her that the situation won't come up….but I'm not naive, just hopeful.
And it's condom…not condemn, unless that was supposed to be a pun
Coming from a "believer" that was having sex in high school… I was smart enough to at least buy condoms. I did not really know what a true relationship with Christ look liked so I don't know what it would be like to really love Jesus – yet be having sex outside of God's boundaries. I would just break it down to my daughter what it is like to have a new heart from Christ – while going into the real physical consequences of having premarital sex. Tough question…
I remind the young man that I believe in the right to bear arms by cleaning my shotgun the next time he comes over. We then have a frank discussion about his relationship with my daughter.
Rough question, and although I am far out from being a parent, I think the response (as cliche as it sounds) would be to love her as Jesus loves her. If she gets to that point in her life, I think it may be from the lack of love she is feeling from God and/or her parents. If we are called to love other as ourselves, the best resolve is to love her like non-other. Share your thoughts on the matter (which is obviously no) but share it in a way that is beyond the love she thinks she is experiencing from her boyfriend. I think love at the end of the spectrum will lead her to a point of repentance, forgiveness, and ultimately stopping (which God only knows how long that takes). But then again….I'm only 20 so I know NOTHING about parenting.
Oh, and scare the S^#* out of her boyfriend.
as a former 16 yr old girl… (not that long ago i might add… considering i'm only 20) i think the most important thing for me was that i KNEW my parents would be SO disappointed in me if they ever caught me or found out that it kept me from doing SO many things as a high school girl. so i think what is more important than 'how do i deal with this' is making sure you wont have to (or trying your hardest to not have to). i know so many girls that knew their parents wouldn't really care and so they did it, but for those of us that knew it would be the worst day of our lives if our parents (and friends!, which i think is also important) ever discovered us doing such things it kept the temptation at bay.
Really great (and tough) question Los! I have a 15 month old daughter so while being a fair way off 16 I have spent 10 years as a youth pastor and have had to ‘deal’ with this kind of thing on a few occasions.
Its totally different as a 3rd party to it all but from what I’ve seen and experienced its been the parents that have an open and honest 2 way relationship with their kids that seem to handle it the best. They communicate better parent to child and vise versa and usually work it through. Relationship is THE KEY here and you have to work at it from the time they are born…
For me, I’d want to have the kind of relationship with my daughter that means nothing is off limits to talk about, I want to be honest with her and have her feel that she can tell me anything, that nothing is too big for us to work through together. I’d want to have spent the last 16 years laying the ground work for this relationship, teaching her about God and growing her faith as much as possible. I think the communication and ground work is what will shape my response, coupled with unceasing prayer for her from me to God, all the time, always!
Having said that, what would I do? In all honesty I just don’t know, I don’t think I will ever know until (God forbid) I'm in that situation… I would like to think that I would be able to talk with her about it, cry with her about it and try to understand why she's doing what she is… then without saying I agree with it I would want to make sure she's safe…
I'd love to hear from any parents who have gone through this… your advice would be invaluable!
I have 1, 2, and 3 year old daughters. I don’t know and it scares me to death. I want to think I’ll be realistic, but at the same time I want to lock them away. It’s hard to imagine these innocent girls dealing with this, but I am a realist. I want to only be honest and hope that they can learn from my mistakes…and that they trust me enough to listen and respect what I tell them.
Remembering what being a 16 year old girl was like…I think being open and honest with her is the best option. Talking to kids/young adults before finding out they are doing it. Talking to them about their relationship with God, your expectations and hopes for them, as well as telling them to set high expectations of themselves. However, also saying you want them to always be open and honest with you about what is going on in their life and if they have questions, need support, etc, that you are there for them.
It’s 4:21 am here as i type this.My little angel of 6 months is lying sleeping in my arms. Her three year old sister is asleep in her bed. Posts like this one shake my world.
All I have to go on at my stage of life is what I got from my Mom and Dad. And so all I can do now is build a relationship with my girls of Love, Respect. Openness and Acceptance.
Oh and guns are way to impersonal. I have swords
I agree with all those who say having a strong relationship with your kids will help. Especially father/daughter relationships. I was always afraid of disappointing my dad that I couldn't bring myself to do things he had warned me against.
Also, I think Mark Gungor (the guy who did the "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage") has a teen dvd that talks about sex and all the emotional stuff you add to and take away when you have sex before marriage. He was really good and funny which would make watching it with your kids (at an appropriate age) and discussing it easier.
First, I'd get on my face and beg Jesus to A) protect her, B) change her heart, and C) receive the conversation we'd be about to have in love. I have a 9-year-old. For me, it starts now. Right now, I need to listen to her. No matter how petty or insignificant what matters in her world seems, I need to be interested. Through our conversations, I need to guide her to realizing what's right on her own. And when she starts to show the slightest interest in boys, we're going to talk about sex. In detail. We're going to talk about what kinds of activities lead to going too far. We're going to talk about how much courage it would take to get out of compromising situations once she's already in them. We're going to talk about why she is a treasure and who she is in Jesus, and about all the what-if's. And if she's 16 and still makes those choices after we've had all those conversations, I'm going to love her just the same. And I'm going to make sure she knows my love is unconditional. But I'm also going to have a conversation about the potential consequences of her sin and how much her life would change if she were to get pregnant. I couldn't change her heart or her desire to sin…God could, though, and I would be / will be constantly asking Him to radically take hold of her. I recently turned 28; my daughter's almost 10. I was that girl. I loved Jesus. Like really loved Jesus, not just went to church. I made a bad choice one night, and I had a long way to fall. Looking at it from the other side of redemption, knowing how deep the valley was…and how much I was refined in the process…I just don't want her to have to learn the hard way. So we will talk. About this topic. A lot.
For starters, don't do what my mom did with me. When she had "the talk" with me she acted like she didn't care what I did, she told me it was up to me whether I waited until marriage or not. Yes, it was up to me, but maybe if she would have gave me her opinion or shared her feelings/thoughts about it I wouldn't have made the wrong decision. I guess she was thinking that if she told me not to have sex before marriage I would want to rebel but that would have made more sense with my sister, I was never rebellious. If I knew anything would hurt my parents feelings or disappoint them, I wouldn't do it, but on this topic, my mom told me she didn't care.
I also think it's important to make a connection with your daughter's boyfriend's family before they have sex, but definitely after if it comes to that. Hopefully she has chosen someone who was raised in a Christian home or at least with good morals and caring parents. If you connect with them you may be able to set up house rules together (not that a house is the only place you can have sex).
One of my favorite scenes from the movie 'Clueless' is when the father says to his daughters date, "Anything happens to my daughter…I have a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you."
On a more serious note, I can't speculate what I would do. My daughter is going to be 12 in April and she's at this age where at times she is still this very young little girl and other times when she behaves like a young lady on the cusp of being a teenager. The only thing I can speculate on is that a 16 year old who loves Jesus but is still having sex despite knowing that sex is something to be saved for marriage may be in part, engaging in some sort of rebellion. What comes to mind is Ephesians 6:4 – "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." We're all making the jokes about guns (and swords) and it is funny, but there's a fine line between being protective and being overbearing. I just pray all the time I can walk that line.
Great question. Unfortunately my 13 yr old has already “lost” her virginity. Long story, but she is here with me now. I told her we would wipe her slate clean and move on. So far, so good. I have also told her that if she is going to be having sex again, then yes, let me know, we will go get birth control. My relationship with my two girls are different and they are very different. It is hard for me to get the 13 yr old to understand about self respect, leaving something to he imagination, and that her life should not revolve around boys. Either way, I lived my life. I made my mistakes. As much as I want to protect my girls from making the same mistakes, I can only pray that they don’t. I know that they think I am old and out of touch. I try to tell them that the problems are the same, technology is just different. Everything is faster and happening sooner, but it is still the same things that are happening. No matter what I will support them and try to let them no that their is no greater sex than when it is with a life long committed partner and hope they wait.
On a not so serious note – I do tell them that if they wait until they are 30 to have kids then I will gladly babysit for free at any and all times
So, I’m 20, a youth pastor, and I’m pretty sure I don’t ever want to have kids, so I’ll probably never have to deal with it with children of my own. However, I do deal with this situation a lot with my youth.
My youth group is very open with me, which I appreciate, and I know that many of them are having sex with their girlfriends and boyfriends. I tell them that I’m not okay with it, that I think that they should wait until they’re married. I remind them that once they start having sex, they can always stop again, and as they get new boyfriends and girlfriends they aren’t obligated to continue to have sex. And then I remind them that they should have safe sex. I encourage them to talk with their parents, and I encourage them to seek the advice of medical professionals. I definitely don’t buy them condoms though, since I a) don’t want to condone their sex and b) feel like that’s a surefire way to lose my job. I feel like I would probably take a similar stance with my kids, should I ever have them.
Honestly, I don’t know.
As one who is training to be a pastor, I speak and counsel young women all the time.
and I don’t know how to speak to them and I don’t know how to speak to my future daughters.
I can speak of biblical truths, commandments by God.
I can speak of lesser joy versus the fullness of joy in Christ.
I can speak of settling for far less and instead yearning for so much more.
But…
The truth?
I break myself at the foot of the cross and throw all of my weight upon the Holy Spirit. I am an older brother or a young uncle in Christ to these young women. Each is a different story and none have the same answer from me unless it is all about Christ.
All I can do is love, speak in truth and by the grace of the Almighty God, as a single man in my 30’s, lead by stellar example.
This calling is too much to bare sometimes. Yet, God is my strength and his infinite might will always be my endurance.
My parents didn't even start to talk to me about sex until I was about 16… I had lost my virginity at 14… all I did was roll my eyes.
To this day (I'm 20) I'm too scared to ask my mom about getting me birth control… and I can't afford it on my own.
Point blank ask if they want birth control, even "just in case." I'm not of the belief that it encourages sex, if a teen is going to have sex… they will. and if that know that they are better and worth more than that… they won't. it doesn't matter what physical tools you give them, better safe than grandkids.
My parents didn't even start to talk to me about sex until I was about 16… I had lost my virginity at 14… all I did was roll my eyes.
To this day (I'm 20) I'm too scared to ask my mom about getting me birth control… and I can't afford it on my own.
Point blank ask if they want birth control, even "just in case." I'm not of the belief that it encourages sex, if a teen is going to have sex… they will. and if they know that they are better and worth more than that… they won't. it doesn't matter what physical tools you give them, better safe than grandkids.
As a college student who messed up and had sex before marriage, the best advice I can give you is to be open with her. Let her know that you are disappointed and make sure she knows that you are always going to be there for her no matter what. But, depending on if the child is as hard headed as I am, they sometimes have to make the mistakes. Making sure you don't freak out is a positive too. If you do that she is more than likely going to ignore you. I'm thankful for my Father (God) who took me back and held me close when I realized how bad I'd messed up…
My daughter has three older brothers, they will be sent out as a force to intimidate any boy that wants to date her. We have open discussions with our boys now. They know that I was pregnant with my oldest son when I was 16. We tell them how hard it has been for us to persevere as young parents and in our marriage. I pray that our honesty and faith will help them make good decisions.
Dad’s are THE best preventative medicine for young girls. Be involved, love them, adore them, date them… if not, someone else will. I guess if it came down to it and my daughter wanted to have sex, I would put her on the pill and give her a billion condoms. As much as it would break my heart, I would rather have her on the pill, than alone and broken in an abortion clinic.
I was the oldest of four girls and we were raised on tough love. We were open about sex and the consequences of it. All four of us made it to marriage virgins. I have a 3 yr. old daughter and plan on raising her with the same tough love and pray for the best.
You love her, hold her, and do not judge her. Prepare her the best you know how — birth control, condoms, faith in the good Lord and anything else you can think of.
I’m the oldest of only two. I was raised in a world where we could and did talk about anything and everything. My mom made it to marriage; my sister and I didn’t. We were honest with her about it, and I think that’s all she really wanted. Letting your daughters know you’re disappointed isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it might very well keep them from being honest with you if (God forbid) they ever do get into a more compromising situation.
The best thing you can possibly do is start early. It’s uncomfortable (I still don’t know how my mom found the courage when I was just 10), but you have to. Open the lines of communication. Let them know how you feel. Answer their questions honestly. They are going to encounter it and be tempted (as we all are) and you want them to feel like you are there to help them through it, not there to judge them because they are facing it.
I have all the faith in the world that you’ll know what to do when the time comes. Every parent knows their kids. And don’t forget your son — avoid double standards about education and information. Arm him the same you do the girls.
In the end, just don’t fool yourself. You’re a dad and you **know** what’s happening. Don’t deny the uncomfortable truth. Love them, Los. Love them.
Rebecca M. I just wanted to also let you know about a little book called
‘Gentle Passages’ by Robin Jones Gunn.
It was given to me when my daughter was 4 or 5 and I just love it! She is now 11 and I had the talk with her last year. I went with the suggestion in the book, there are a few different ones. I went with the “Plate”. If you can pick one up, I know you would be blessed by it as well. Some of what you were sharing from your heart, she also talks about too. I just thought you might like it. My daughter and I had a great evening, just the two of us, sharing, talking, laughing. She accepted everything I had to say. It was a sweet time and the LORD was the CENTER of the whole night. Helping them to understand what THEIR relationship is with God is most important. Yes, I would be greatly dissapointed, but God, what does that do with your love and trust for Him? We have to help them stay grounded in God without shoving it down their throat. “By the spirit says the Lord”. Blessings
Yeah. This is a tough one. I have a 1year old son, but this all still applies. I don’t claim to have any definitive answers, but here are a couple of my thoughts. I think lots of parents have looked at this the wrong way for a long time. What are the things we know could be a detriment to our kids? Sex, drugs (and possibly rock and roll), right? So, the typical parental action is to do whatever they have to to KEEP their kids away from those things. But as an adult who was kept away from those things as a kid, I can tell you – they can only do it for so long. It never works. In fact, it might even make it worse – the whole “don’t touch this” idea that makes you want to even more.
What I hope my wife and I are able to do as parents is to teach our son about this world, and about God, and about how they interact and how there are two different paths you can walk in life. I’m not saying to go all metaphor on him – but to focus on the bigger picture – not just that we don’t want him having premarital sex. WHY is that such a detriment to him? There’s more to it than risking disease and pregnancy.
And yes, I am on board with loving him like Jesus as some of you said – no matter what. I don’t know about giving him condoms… I guess I would rather he have them than not have them IF he gets into a situation where it’s gonna happen – but still not decided on how much that condones yet.
I think also at the right time, we’ll have a chat about some of the mistakes his father has made and how that has affected me. But I guess here’s my point – am I not more in touch with the reality of heaven and hell, of the influence of God and Satan for having made such mistakes? I know mistakes can be life or death in some situations, and they carry heavy consequences, but can you actually believe that the goal in life is to try to live without ever making any mistakes and ever deviating from God? Wouldn’t you have a much more shallow spirituality? I think this is the mistake of the Church Past – the goal is to not sin. I think this new generation has embraced brokenness as a part of our relationship with God, and not in exclusion to it.
I’m losing my train of thought. Sorry for the long reply ya’ll. Just love on your kids until you can’t anymore.
Oh my.
Los, this has to be one of the best discussions on your blog, ever. My girls are only four years older than yours and although I just can’t imagine them ever being any older than they actually are, I know it’s coming. Frank and open communication and unconditional love are the best weapons against anyone in the family living a secret life. I wish my parents had broken through the walls of indifference that I put up in my passive-aggresive teenage years. Although I wasn’t sexually active I still lived a compartmentalised life – my church stuff on one side and my self-centred stuff on the other. And I wish we had had more honest discussions in our family.
I think Jessica is right: “Dad’s are THE best preventative medicine for young girls. Be involved, love them, adore them, date them… if not, someone else will”
I’d better get dating.
Honestly, the one thing I have come to learn in my life is that we all talk a big talk about what we would or would not do or allow, but until we are actually faced with the situation we really do not know what we would do.
Los, great question. I have a 4-year old girl, 3-year old son, and a 1-year old girl. These are the questions that keep me awake at night. Hopefully, I will have helped write them a part in my family story so profound and amazing that they won’t settle for having someone else write theirs. A girl who plays the role of the hero won’t ever allow an idiot to use her.
But your question relates to the situation I hope to avoid. What happens they are going for it anyway? By the time she is 16, she has got to be making decisions on her own. And if she goes for that one, I think I would play the role God plays in Romans 1 & 2. When people decide to go their own way, God allows them to go and suffer the consequences. But my arms of grace would be consistently open.
Thanks for the topic.
I work in the ministry of educating young women and men about the risks of sex outside of marriage. But, I am not a parent, so I have zero authority to say what I “would” do. What I do know is that when I was growing up, I didn’t have a sense that it went against my family’s standard, or my parents ideals to make similar harmful decisions, and the consequences of those decisions are exactly why I’m working in the ministry I do today. When I was 16, I so wish I would’ve known the way sexual activity outside of marriage would impear my ability to commit, would physically alter my brain chemistry creating challenges in future relationships, and ultimately how it would even place roadblocks in my walk with the Lord. I wish I could go back to my teenage self and shake some sense in to her. Did my parents mess up? No. However, will learning from my past change how I hope to parent in the future? yes.
I would relaly reccomend that all parents read the book “Hooked” by Joe S. Mcilhaney, Jr and Freda Mckissic Bush. This book is all about the physical changes that happen in the adolecent brain when they “hook up.” It’s facinating and it really creates a case that sex outside of marriage isn’t just a way to get an unwanted pregnancy or STD. It changes who you are. It’s easy to read and well worth it.
You can give your daughter condoms all the live long day, but they don’t make a condom for the heart- and that’s exactly where she will be hurting the longest from chosing not to wait.
Girls seek acceptance from men as they get older. They want to be special to someone. They want to be told they are pretty and that they are loved. If they don’t feel that from their daddy or from Christ they will look for it somewhere else. I once heard a speaker say: Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking your little girl is too old to hug or hold like you did when she was little. 12 and 13 year old girls still want to be nurtured by their fathers just like 3 and 4 year old girls do. It may not look acceptable to do that in this society, but don’t push them away when they start to develop. They can’t help it that they are developing. Keep loving them like Daddy’s girl and keep showing them Christs love. I have two adult girls and I gave them a book from James Dobson on sexually transmitted diseases when they were about 13 and it totally freaked them out and I think they decided then that they would NEVER have sex. It was a real eye opener.
“Do you let her know your disappointment yet give her condoms knowing she ain’t gonna stop?”
I will try to express this kindly:
I don’t care what anyone else says, giving her condoms is condoning her actions. Would you give your kid a joint knowing he’s going to smoke weed anyway? Would you give him a beer and the car keys knowing he’s going to drink and drive anyway? Would you give him a gun knowing he’s going to kill someone anyway?
No offense intended, but the logic is faulty.
Yes, express disappointment. Show love and sensitivity. Also tell her the truth: it is sin and the Jesus she loves is also disappointed, but will forgive her. And… you tell her to quit. Threaten the boy with a swift and untimely death if he comes around again. Tell her to close her legs and the boy to keep his pants on. She may hate you for it now, but she’ll appreciate getting through HS and maybe college without a baby or an STD later in life.
This “they will do it anyway so let’s just help them do it safely” mentality is sending a generation of our young people to hell.
I’m also a youth pastor, and I’m tired of seeing kids lives destroyed by something that is preventable.
I have three daughters and two sons. The daughters are ages 10, 16 and 18. I have been just as clueless as anyone else but here is what I have done with my daughters. When my oldest was about 14 I about had a panick attack when I realized she was no longer a little girl. I was petrified that I would not do right by her in guiding her through the pitfalls to adult hood. At that time, I committed to myself, my daughter and God that the mistake I would not make was not trying hard enough. I apologized to her in advance for all the mistakes I would make trying to be a good dad through these years and I just started talking to her, about boys and normal boys are wired…I emphasized…”normal”….I tried to give her insight into how boys thing…and I spent a lot of time helping her get a perspective on how old she was and how old whatever boy she liked at the time was with questions like..does he have a good job…lol…what is his house like….lol…are you ready to take care of him….my objective was not to ruin her fun or her social life but rather to help her keep her priorities in perspective. Many friends worried I would drive my daughter away by being too tough. However, somehow my daughter learned over the years that I love her more than any of boy could and hopefully understands that my objective is to one day walk her down the Aisle at her wedding and give her to the godly young man God has prepared for her to spend her life with….with no regrets. The good news for all of us is that we have all messed up in one way or another. Sex outside marriage and drugs are no worse than any other sin in Jesus view…point being…I am not intending to deliver condemnation to anyone…however this was directed to Fathers. My objective by God’s grace has been to shepherd my children around the pitfalls of youth providing them with konwledge and wisdom to make wise choices on their own. Bottom line, I am at war for my children…and this is a war I will win.
This hits a little too close to home. My daughter is 17. I do believe that she is a virgin, however, I am not so naive as to swear by it. She is the product of my wife and I having sex before we were married! We fight all the time to keep from holding our sins over her head. But it is tough. I really dont know what I would do. Probably like you said, break the boy in half……oh wait you didnt say that. lol I would not buy condoms. In my mind that is condoning the behavior. I really dont know other than that. I pray I wont have to cross that bridge.
Chris
I have a 14 year old daughter (who I had as a teen mom).
If I were to find out that she was having sex at 16 we’d start with some courageous discussions (between her, the guy and possibly his parents…. but first between me and God).
The act is different for girls, so much of it involves emotions and the heart. Starting there is crucial.
But I also think many neglect teaching their daughters how to say NO, how to value themselves and how to live a life that doesn’t revolve around a boyfriend. I’ve also found it helpful to encourage certain friendships for my daughter (older teens who have waited or who are ‘born again virgins’.
two little girls, 10 weeks and almost 3 years. i don’t really have it all together, but one of my main goals is to build a relationship with them that is honest and loving and open. that way a) we can talk about all of this before they find themselves in a tough decision scenario, b) they will not feel the need to do things that go against her best possible outcome to please some kid, and c) i can get to know their friends and boyfriends.
i don’t own a shotgun, but i do have a golf club…and that would hurt. but i don’t think i’ll have to use it. but i guarantee that if a, b, and c don’t work, i’ll do whatever i have to do to protect my girls from being pulled into a situation that will damage them.
i’m thinking about taking ninja classes.
I was a teenage mother and my daughter is now 22. We talked about sex and I told her I would provide her with birth control. It didn’t really help. I’m not sure when she started having sex but I knew for certain when she met the current boyfriend. We talked about birth control AGAIN and she assured me she would take care of it. My beautiful granddaughter is four months old now. The first thing I said when she told me she was pregnant was….did you not learn ANYTHING from watching me struggle your whole life? She is a grown woman who knows the Lord and she finished college with honors so I must say she improved on my situation but it is still hard. What we have in common is that neither of us grew up with a functioning father. Dads, NEVER underestimate the impact you have on your children, especially the girls. Involved fathers may not be the complete answer to the teenage pregnancy issue but I think it’s the biggest one.
So crazy that you brought this up. I was thinking about this very subject last night. My daughter is 13 and my niece, who lives with us is 14. I am having the hardest time letting out some slack, I think I’m so free and open but my girls, ugh, the thought of some idiot taking her gift just makes me crazy!! BUT I thought about the movie Juno. I remember watching the parents react to Juno telling them she was pregnant. I waited for the classic movie parent freak out, condemnation, but they didn’t do that. I know they are not real but I pray I have a reaction of grace, mercy and love. Of course I will immediately go kick the sh#$ out of the boy, but that’s another topic
No, this is hard, very hard and painful. Only God’s grace gives us what we need to parent anyway, I lean on him every day cuz like you, I know without Him I will screw my kids up royally.
btw, I do believe talking to my kids about everything, letting them know they can talk to me also, is a huge key to doing it Jesus Style. Some people think I’m too open and say to much, but I don’t. I know way too many kids who cant talk to their parents and it’s bad for everyone.
I have a 23 year old daughter and three boys ages 17, 19 and 20. It was a wild ride to say the least for all four of them. When it came to my daughter I prayed. Alot. I listened to what God wanted me to tell her. All of our children are different. each one responds differently to what we give them. God knows this and in that moment when you’d like to go out and strangle some teenaged boy for even looking at your little girl; When you’d like to lock her in a dungeon somewhere (with her favorite teddy bear, of course) just stop, listen to what God wants you to say to her, to this boy; and you and she will survive it. One more thing. You have a son. Don’t forget that they are just as vulnerable to the spiritual damage that sex outside of marriage can cause.
In the end I was lucky. I fed my children the Bible and Jesus with their breakfast, lunch and dinner and it made then strong enough to do the right things in life (so far).
I hate this question, it scares me half to death. I don’t have any kids, but I have a 18 yr old sister and a 15 yr old sister. The thought of any of this scares me and makes me want to never let them leave my side. I think the interesting thing about all of this is innocence. I love little kids because of their innocence. But I know that kids lose that. I taught Jr High Guys and I definitely would see them try to be older and “cool” but would also see them revert back to being a kid. They were in the process of loosing their innocence.
I think the thing that needs to be addressed is what happened several years before that. What were you teaching your daughters, what were you calling your son to live like. I think if guys could be called to a life of righteousness and that guys my age (23) would show them an example as well as mentor and guide them this problem would greatly decrease.
Right now young men are not being called up, they are not being called to something higher than having sex and thinking for themselves.
I look forward to the rest of the conversation over this topic.
This is so much more than a sex issue. It’s a heart issue.
All our behaviors stem from our hearts. If we simply try to modify behavior we are not getting to the heart of the issue. I think parents need to talk to their kids. Open and honest communication. Ask questions, get to the heart of the issue. Why are you having sex? What does the Bible say about this issue? Is this an idol? Talk about it.
You can just appeal to their conscience and throw condoms at them and think, “well at least she won’t pregnant.” That’s such a mixed message. “God says not to have sex before marriage, but here’s some condoms, just don’t get pregnant and we’re all good.” No, we are not all good. Because again, getting pregnant is not the heart of the issue.
When I was in high school I had sex with my boyfriend. The truth is, I loved sex more than I loved Jesus…that was the real problem. I needed to learn to love and honor God above all.
Now you can’t force your kid to not have sex….so beyond talking about it and telling them what the Bible has to say, there’s really not MUCH else you can do. You can’t lock them away forever. But you can’t condone it by giving them condoms or birth control pills either. The parent must stand firm and in obedience to God above all. Lead the example in obedience to God so your teenager will see that.
And I also think it’s a good idea to talk with the boyfriend as well. Someone’s gotta tell him he’s not respecting his girlfriend by stealing her purity and he’s not respecting God.
The best thing you can do is start talking to your kids while they’re young about sex. It should be appropriate for their age but you should talk to them about attitudes and perceptions of sex and not just mechanics. Teach them about the spiritual aspects. And don’t forget to talk to them about pornography and why it’s not good for them. Too many christians want to pretend like it doesn’t exist and think it won’t affect their kids. Imagine how much better your son will be prepared when his buddies show him his first playboy if you’ve already talked to him about what it is and why he should avoid it and that he should come talk to you and pray about it. Once your kids are sexually active you’re in damage control mode. I have two daughters 15 and 13 and a 12 year old son, I don’t have all the answers but I think this is the place to start. My daughter asked me after she saw Juno “Dad, what would happen if I got pregnant?” I told her I wasn’t going to lie, that I would be disappointed but we would deal with it and life would go on. I think you need to be open with the boyfriend/girlfriend about your expectations for the relationship. It’s funny that pregnancy prevention is most peoples biggest concern not the spiritual/psychological scarring. I’m not sure about the idolatry argument. I think the bible talks about idolatry being people actually worshipping false gods, not making poor life choices. I do reserve the right as a father to kick the ass of anyone who touches my kids inappropriately.
I don’t think giving your kids condoms necessarily condones them using them. You could do it in such a way as to say – I hope you never have to use this. Educate them about the heart issues not just the physical ones. Parents who have alcohol in the home don’t want their kids to go out and get hammered – they try to grow them up being comfortable around it, and it’s probably not as big of a problem for them later on. I don’t know maybe it is. I NEVER saw alcohol in my house growing up – as soon as I was in high school and college and got some freedom, I quickly moved down the path to alcoholism. I BARELY was talked to about having sex, and definitely was not given any condoms – it was taboo to even think the thought that it could happen in my house! But, again, once I got my freedom, those things didn’t do make any difference.
I think I often think about it way to simplistically. I’m not there yet as a parent, and I don’t have answers, but I just think that keeping your kids away from it is not nearly as effective as helping them make the right decisions WHEN they encounter it, and they WILL encounter it. I want my kid to be sure of his decisions, and know why he’s making them.
The day is coming when they’ll have to face it on their own. If all I accomplished was keeping them as far away from it as possible up to that point, it’s like putting the kid into the basketball game in the playoffs who never came off the bench during the regular season – he’s gonna be awkward and have no confidence in what he’s doing. He’ll screw up. The team that wins the championship is the one that prepared the most for that moment. What does that mean for us as parents/coaches?
My thoughts for now, keep em flowing peeps – this is good stuff for all of us
What a great conversation you started Los. As a 27 year old now parent who made it to marriage a virgin by the skin of her teeth – I think as a parent you can never start too early and you should never stop talking to your kids about sex.
I was in love with Jesus at a young age and still struggled with sexual temptation throughout high school and college. I actually wish my parents had been stricter with me, had forbidden me to go out with certain guys, had not left me alone at our house with boyfriends EVER. I’m sure at the time I would have thrown a fit, but looking back, it would have saved me so much heartache.
I know my parents were on their knees for me throughout my childhood and I swear it is by the grace of God and their prayers that I didn’t suffer serious physical consequences for my rebellion.
Oh and I totally agree that giving your child condoms is condoning sex outside of marriage. I think prayer for your child is far better protection than a condom anyway.
As a 22 year old Virgin, i can tell you to help prevent the above situation takes some awkward convos starting early as possible. you HAVE to discuss what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior with boys starting… well now. Have them more often then you are comfortable with but slowly move up to talking about sex over the course of a few years.
Let them know it’s not that you want to keep them from doing something fun but that you want to keep them safe. Let them know how special and precious their virginity is and how a little physical gratification can hurt them and future relationships for the rest of their lives. let them know people will make fun of them, but that they can hold their heads up high with dignity, knowing they can be proud of the decision they’ve made to honor themselves and their future spouse. let them know that if they do slip up you will be disappointed. You will still love them despite it, but ultimately they hurt themselves the most.
Be active in their purity. Try to get to know their boyfriend and his parents. If they date before 18 don’t let it be unsupervised. Oh, buy them purity rings. Have a heartfelt discussion about what you want the ring to symbolize before you give it to them. Let them know they’re making a promise to God, you and their future spouse to save themselves. Trust me, a physical reminder of that promise goes a long way. Your girls will equate it with almost the same importance as your wife’s wedding ring. Especially if you let them pick it out and make event out of them receiving it.
Several recent govt studies suggest that 98% of American have had sex before they are married. In fact, one study I’ve read ended with this:
Results. Data from the 2002 survey indicate that by age 20, 77% of respondents
had had sex, 75% had had premarital sex, and 12% had married; by age
44, 95% of respondents (94% of women, 96% of men, and 97% of those who
had ever had sex) had had premarital sex. Even among those who abstained
until at least age 20, 81% had had premarital sex by age 44. Among cohorts
of women turning 15 between 1964 and 1993, at least 91% had had premarital
sex by age 30. Among those turning 15 between 1954 and 1963, 82% had had
premarital sex by age 30, and 88% had done so by age 44.
Conclusions. Almost all Americans have sex before marrying. These findings
argue for education and interventions that provide the skills and information
people need to protect themselves from unintended pregnancy and sexually
transmitted diseases once they become sexually active, regardless of marital
status.
I’m a former youth pastor – and a parent. I don’t know what to say. Even some of my closest friends who have made it into their late 30’s without having sex are now tossing themselves around. My husband and I were each other’s first – but we know that we’re in a MAJOR majority. I didn’t grow up in a Christian family – had a few amazing youth pastors once I was in high school who simply taught it – and I knew it was just right.
The phrase “everyone is doing it,” is true. That doesn’t make it right, but I think the question needs to be more how do you train up a child to believe and understand something COMPLETELY anti-culture? What are you doing from the beginning to teach them about how they and others view sexuality and sex, rather than just saying “don’t have sex – the Bible says so, oh and I love you and you can tell me anything.” It’s harder than that.
What ARE you doing to train them up in this way they should go?
Thanks for the fascinating discussion, Los, and for the courage to get real on this site.
I think I need some more time to think through my response in this situation (as yet hypothetical to me), but I’d like to share a scene from the show Friday Night Lights, in which Tami finds out that her 17-year-old daughter (Julie) is having sex with her boyfriend and sits down with her to discuss it. I wish I could find a video of it, but here’s a pretty good recap of the scene: http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/friday_night_lights/the_giving_tree_1.php?page=9 I think it was a really good (for TV) example of how a disappointed parent might talk to her child with love, even if they don’t throw in the Christian slant.
COME ON PEOPLE!!!!!!! Fight for your kids!!!! Every one else is!
I was a youth pastor for a couple years and now am a church planter. The kids i saw that stayed with it and didn’t give in had a Godly influence in their life early. I am convinced most of your parenting is done by age 5. They either respect and obey you by that point or it is going to be a VERY uphill journey. But worth it.
I am not going to sit back passively and let this world tell my kid what is right and wrong. My son is two years old. We are teaching him scripture now. He already can recite back to you a couple verses. Psalm 119:11 anybody? Parent them from the day they are born for what you desire for them. I pray for my son to go where Jesus would go. To touch the people Jesus would touch. To see people as Jesus would see them. To hear them as Jesus would. My goal as a parent is not to guide him to be a nice person. My goal as a parent is to steer him to be like Christ. I don’t believe Jesus would have sex or for that matter a lot of thing up to that point. Jesus would (if he was in a romantic relationship) honor, respect, and cherish a woman. So that is what I will teach my son how to treat a woman.
I think one thing that is key that I picked up from somewhere was not just tell them what not to do. Tell them what to do that is good. When my son hits, we say “we don’t hit we hug” We don’t treat girls that way we treat them this way.
If you don’t want to deal with this at 16 deal with it at 4. Be the man you want your daughter to marry. If she knows how good your wife has it she isn’t going to settle for anything different. I battle every day to be the man i want my son to be.
They will only accept what you teach them by your actions to accept.
FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS!!! They have been entrusted to you by God the Father. Don’t sit back. You will be held accountable. The stakes are too high!!!!
I’m with Tim. I’m not a parent, but I’ve been in youth ministry for years, and I can’t tell you how many parents in this and similar situations try to be nice and gentle and friendly. Fight for your kids.
The parents that try to stay on their childrens’ good sides when this kind of stuff hits the fan end up losing their kids’ respect and their kids. The parents that choose the hard thing – ending the relationships, setting new rules and enforcing old ones – aren’t their kids BFF’s for a time, but their kids respect them, know they love them, and KNOW that the issue is a big deal.
Passivity is permission.
Great question, Los. Thank you for bringing it up here. I think that those who have said that none of us can really know how we will respond until or unless we are faced with it are absolutely correct. However, I also think that some great suggestions have been made here by parents hoping that they will handle it gracefully, and some great insights have been shared by people who have dealt with it personally. I was raised “going to church” but wasn’t raised “in the Church.” My parents never had “the talk” with me. My mom asked me when I was, maybe, 8 or so if I wanted to talk about “it” and when I said no she said “ok, maybe later.” I can’t really blame her since that should have been my dad’s job (yes, he was around.) I started having sex at 16 (late by most “standards”.) I have said all of that to say this…I have no daughters, but am the father of two boys (2 and 5). It’s a bit disconcerting to me that of all of these posts, even the ones by parents of boys, the topic of the boy’s responsibilty has been barely, if even at all, mentioned. I think that it is important for us to remember that IS NOT soley the girl’s responsibilty to abstain from pre-marital sex. After all (to be cliche), it takes two to tango. I believe that if we, as fathers of boys, start raising our sons to be true gentlemen (when did that stop by the way?)…teaching them not to be opportunistic (guys, you know what I’m talking about)…teaching them that just because a girl may say that she wants to, doesn’t make it right and doesn’t mean you have to go along with it…teaching them them that chivalry is neither, nor does it have to be, dead…teaching them, also, about the potential consequences…teaching them to be true followers…that all of this will go a long way in fixing this issue. Because, after all, most of us, if not all of us, desperately want to be loved in spite of ourselves and if all we have to “look forward” to is giving in to our weaknesses and having people take advantage of said weaknesses, what, then, do we really have to “look forward” to? Not really any good suggestions on how to remedy the situation…just MHO on the topic…Thanks again, Los.
In Donald Millers new book (A million miles in a thousand years) he shares of a Friend with a daughter in a similar situation with Drugs rather than sex. I really liked his response; it was to help her change her story. (great read if you haven’t read it yet.) I wont try to reiterate the entire story but the outcome of entering the story of her life and asking her to join in on a new chapter was very favorable. Dealing with the symptoms wont do anything, getting to the core of the child’s life and needs and finding a way to create challenge and purpose is what I hope to do with my kids. Glad I have boys cuz i don’t wouldn’t want to do time for what I would do a dude who touched my daughter, if I had one.
To Chris, I don’t think anyone here would really do physical harm to a boy, the whole macho dad thing is more of a Joke! Truth is I think all of us would care enough for our daughters to care for the one they being intimate with even though we would feel a righteous anger in our responsibility to protect what we love. Every now and then we stuff we don’t really mean, I just did 2 min ago in previous post. I hope I would treat everyone with the same dignity I would treat my own.
Joel, I understand and appreciate that. I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I would make the same comments if I had daughters. I was, in no way, offended by any of those comments…again, I understand. My only point was that, more often than not, when I hear this topic come up it is about teaching girls about the consequences (all be it a bit of a different set)…teaching the girls to say no (and how to have the courage to do so.) But, shouldn’t we, as fathers of boys, step up and start teaching them the same things? That it’s not all “her” responsibility? That half of the responsibilty is “his?” I just feel like (and this is not a shot but merely a personal opinion), too often, dads of boys have the “well, he can’t get pregnant so it’s ok” mentallity. But…IT’S NOT OK…I don’t have to worry about either one my kids getting pregnant at a young age, but I do have to worry about them getting someone pregnant at a young age, and that’s not “ok”…not mention the whole host of additional consequences that go for both males and females. Joel, thank you for wanting to clarify those comments though. I appreciate the concern.
Glad I don’t have a daughter but… I would opt for the scare the HELL out of the kid. Since I’m kinda big it should work ;-D
@chris 10:45 – AMEN – I’m the mother of 3 daughters and while I don’t know what it’s like to have sons, I do know that neither girls or boys have “real sex” by themselves (another topic altogether). Sex before marriage has lasting negative effects on both young women and young men. But I hear it’s really brutal in high school locker rooms. Anyone have good male virgin success stories?
Oh my, Oh my, Oh my! If there was one question in the world that would keep me up at night wondering what the best answer would be..its this one. My husband and I are youth pastors and we are ALWAYS searching for the best answer to this..not the correct answer..just the best one. I gave away (not lost) my virginity when I was 16. The second it happend a hole was ripped in my heart that could never be sown back but for the grace of God. The pain and regret, the shame and fear I felt that very lonley day is something I could never forget…something that I woul d NEVER want another young woman to feel. Or young man for that matter. I have two young sons. My conviction for them as their mommy is to instill in them the kind of love and respect for a woman that is given by God alone. I hope and pray that I will raise my little guys to be Men of Valor, Men of Honor, Men who have the very heart of God in them when it comes to this subject. I pray and hope I raise the kind of men that are proud to remain virgins until their wedding days. The kind of young men that you fathers of beautiful young women won’t have to scare the “hell” out of. I don’t think there is a right answer to this…I just know that we need to pray for this extreme generation..that they will know that Love doesn’t lie in a Bed..but it lays in the very Word of God.
I really like what I’m starting to hear. This has been (and hopefully will continue to be) a helpful conversation for me to be a part of. I really like what I’m hearing about creating challenge and purpose in the life of your children. Raising men of honor, and women of virtue. Show them the heart of God for them. Enter their story. Yes, it’s starting to come to the surface now – I can see it a little more clearly… please proceed.
I have boys…two of them. They are 10 and 11. I think that in addition to the relationship and the expectation part…i know that for me…what I was missing as a 16 year old girl, was the reason why sex is such a sacred and wonderful thing, and why it was designed to be enjoyed and celebrated within the marriage relationship. I was told…don’t do it cos the bible says so. Full stop. That’s all well and good…but why does the bible say so? God didn’t put that out there to be a nasty old guy denying young people the fun of a good romp. He did it for a reason. Personally I am hanging outt o read Randy Elrod’s book – “Sex, lies and religion” so that I can throw off some baggage and gain proper biblical perspective. I also think that if the church was less extreme in their reaction to sex and sexuality and cultivated a more healthy approach to talking about it openly, there would be less of a reaction from young people. If they can see that married Christian people have sex and enjoy it (well maybe not see it …but you know what I mean LOL) they would be less inclined to swing to the polar opposite and rebel because they think they’re never going to get any when they settle down and get married.
For me and my boys, I’m working at keeping the communication channels open, answering sex questions without freaking out (on the outside) and in the next couple of years, helping them to understand the broader perspective of what god wants for us. I’ll also give the other side of the coin, I’m not a fool, they need to know how it all works. But i won’t be leaving them with the impression that if they follow God they can do whatever they want. The King has standards.
I agree with Jennifer, Art and Kyle above. As a parent, I’m not there yet as my oldest girl is only 5. But I intend to 1) very clearly let my children know very early on that they are to wait until marriage for sex and that they are to keep their relationships pure (one of the seven checkpoints, right? purity paves the way to intimacy). And by “letting them know”, my wife and I both already have discussions about being modest, about keeping her private parts covered, about being careful to keep her skirts down and even to wear shorts under her skirts if the skirts are too loose or if she’s gonna be running around and playing. Now, I know these conversations are very innocent now but I think they lay the foundation for other conversations down the road. 2) I definitely plan to tell my children know how disappointed I would be if they did something like that and, more importantly, that God would be disappointed as it is sin. I would also go as far as saying they can’t date anyone who I don’t know and trust (which means that I have to be available and actively involved in my children’s lives). Is that going to stop her from having sex? Hopefully…but maybe not. But I’ll do whatever I can to help her avoid sins that have such long-lasting impacts on her and her future husband.
Yeah, I’ll be pretty strict. Lots and lots of love. Lots and lots of fun. Pretty strict about things like that. My kids probably won’t even be able to spend the night at other people’s houses. They can have friends over to our house all they want but they probably won’t go to others’ houses overnight (except for grandparents, etc). Like I said, I know I’m old fashioned and rigid but this my kids are WAY too important for me to parent them passively.
Los, i wanna know what was your creative answer to “Why is your tummy so big daddy?”
Since our oldest daughter is 10 going on 25 this very situation scares to death! However, we have tried to be very open and use any opportunity to discuss our beliefs, and God’s plan for her and marriage. I know that someday it is going to stick with her. My parents did the duck and cover whenever S E X came up so I am trying very hard to be honest and not run away from the questions. We also bought a book called The Princess and the Kiss for her birthday which has allowed us a gateway to talking about abstinence and why God wants us to wait for the right person and marriage.
Oh and hubby does have guns…lots of ‘em!
Remember Guns don’t kill people, dads with beautiful daughters do!
A little more than 10 years ago, I was a 16-year old girl who loved Jesus and was having sex with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is now my husband and we have 3 amazing kids, one of whom is a beautiful 7-year old daughter we conceived the summer after we graduated high school. Our story has a happy ending, which I know is because of God. So what do I do when my daughter is in my shoes, 9 years from now? I don’t know. I had a mom who dealt with her 18-year old pregnant daughter beautifully. She didn’t do anything wrong when it came to me having sex before marriage – I knew it was wrong and did it anyway. I agree with previous posters about making sure you have a strong relationship – but I had that with my mom (my dad was dead) and had sex anyway. I know I won’t be exactly the parent my mom was, but I will love Jesus, teach my kids to love Jesus, pray like crazy, teach them to pray like crazy, hold tight to my morals, teach them to hold tight to their morals, then deal with any trouble that comes our way when it comes… b/c sin and temptation always come.
WHEW!
My Husband and I Just went threw this with our 15 Yr old Daughter. She Spilled out her Hear to my Good Friend( who is the Childrens Ministry Pastors Assistant) She is actually my Step-Daughter, so My Friend, and the Childrens Pastor told Her that they Still Loved her most of all!( We are very close to them and have served Under them as a family for many years) They told her that while it was a Poor Decision, one that they wished that She didnt have to make, that it was in the past, and she needed to make her Peace with God and Move on, They also said that they were giving her today( it was a Sunday morning) to tell my husband. I knew something was up because i saw her in tears. I asked what was wrong and they told me that i needed to talk to my Husband when i got home, and that i needed to give my Daughter A LOT of Grace and Understanding right now until after we got thru all this and any fallout Associated with it. That’’s all they would tell me. I had Such a HUGE knot in my Stomach Because i had an Idea of what was going one and I was Scared to Death about what my Husbands reaction was going to be! When i came home My Husband and my Daughter wernt there yet, so, i waited til they got home and when they did my Husband was Remarkably calm, He took me down stairs and told me what happened, and that I needed to change her doctors appointment to getting a Pregnancy Test. He didn’t Blow up at her at all( I was SO proud of him!!)( , Just told her that he was Very Disappointed in her, and that She was going to have to live with any consequences of Her decision, and that If it turned out that She wasn’t Pregnant, that she needed to start birth control. My Husband was Of the Mindset, that if she didn’t it this time Behind our backs she would be Inclined to do it again, not only that she had to deal with the broken trust with Her Dad and I, Not to Mention, Her boyfriends Dad. By the Sheer Grace Of God, She didnt End up getting Pregnant, I am Hoping that this Scare was Enough to make her want to wait. This is something i hope i dont EVER have to go threw again!
Do I really need to think about this? I have three girls and when the adoption gets done I’ll have five ranging in ages from 13 to 3. I’d much rather pray that this doesn’t happen, do plenty of training-up before hand, and then hope for the best. BTW…Scaring the HELL out of the boyfriend would happen on the front end, not the back end.
This has been a great discussion. Just want to make one point… we can do all the “right” things as Christian parents… pray with and for our kids, teach and model God’s Word for our kids, be active and involved in their lives on a daily basis, keep the lines of communication wide open, love them beyond bounds… but we have to remember that God also gave our children free will, and at some point, they will make their own decisions as to what happens in their own lives… whether or not to follow God, to drink, do drugs, have sex, etc. Parents often think that if they follow a prescribed how-to list of raising kids to be Christian adults, they have nothing to worry about, But there are no guarantees. In my experience as the parent of 4 teens/20’s and in observing other families, some of those kids choose to follow the path contrary to what we’ve taught them, in spite of doing everything “right”. The key, then, becomes how do I respond to that child who has chosen to walk away from God, has a child out of wedlock at the age of 20/17/15 (male or female), gets in trouble with the law for drinking and smoking pot… We need to, from the moment our children are conceived, do everything we can to train them up in the way they should go, but also be aware that they may choose a different path, and be prepared to handle that should it happen… with God’s grace, love, and mercy, and lot’s of prayer.
As someone who is not a parent, I can only say what I feel I would do now. I would first state my love for her, something she may choose not to believe in light of the actions to come. Then call sin out as sin and confront her with it. If she truly does love Jesus, I believe that will convict. Hopefully that conviction will lead to repentance. I would then ask her to end the relationship, a conversation I would also have with her boyfriend (who would be a professing believer as well or my daughter would never have been in a relationship with him in the first place). If they were unwilling, I’m not sure if I would deliberately end the relationship, though I would want to out of a desire to protect my daughter. Unfortunately, love may require letting her reap the harvest she is sowing.
This brings to mind as well the passages on church discipline. If she refuses once confronted with her sin to repent, then it brings her salvation into question. How do you handle treating her as a non believer when she’s a child in your home? Love cannot stop, it never stops. But I think it’s important that she own the lifestyle she is progressing in, and we’d spend time sitting down and getting to the root of what she believes, and if she is, indeed, a follower of Christ. If she is, she must repent and discontinue the sin. If not, she’s still my daughter, but at least there is no self delusion or falsehood. Those subtle lies are often far more dangerous to the soul than blatant paganism.
I HAVE 4 DAUGHTERS! 12, 11, 8 and 2 months. There’s some great answers here, but for me, I think the right answer is having an OPEN relationship. The time to start talkin’ bout sex is not when you find out their pregnant at 15 yrs old. Start early, don’t leave nothing out. Talk about sex, drugs and rock-n-roll, per say. Yes we’re parents, but we also need 2 B friends that they can come to w/ tough questions, that only you would’ve asked your friends or were scared to ask your parents when you were sleeping around! Gr8 question Los. Thanks.
As a combat vet from Iraq, who has a 12 yr old daughter, and a 2 yr old daughter, along with 4 boys in between the two girls, I just have one thing to say:
They will never find the young mans body… ever
I already told my 14 year old she would be responisble for two deaths (hers nad her boyfriends and my imprisonment. That should scare her enough…for now. Really I hope I can love her enough as a Dad she does not need that much attention from her boyfriend. The hard part as a dad is giving permission for appropriate affection in a world where that means sex