I’m doing the best I can sir…
When I was messing with your hair that day, right after this picture was taken, my heart took a left when I figured it would have taken a right.
To the right would have been throwing you on the sofa and tickling you until you fart.
To the left was that place I accidentally stumble into every few months.
That place that looks, tastes, smells, and feels funny.
The last few strokes of your hair I imagined your father’s hair.
It must feel similar to this.
It must be light and wispy.
I wonder, right now, if his fingers are running through his hair.
But he’s probably wearing a hat.
I wonder if his hands smell like the fish that he has been catching all day.
I hope they do, or his day would have sucked.
I wonder if they are more calloused than they were a year ago.
I’m sure those nets are a pain.
I wonder if when he looks at them…he wonders about yours.
And so I walked outside, looked up to the sky, and screamed…”He’s OK!!!!”
When I walked back into the house I had this romantic thought that maybe…
Right before I looked up…
You got off your fishing boat…
Looked up…
And screamed
? ??? ???!
(Is my son OK?!)
Then I looked at the clock and realized it was 2 am in Seoul.
I got sad for a second…that my dream was a joke…
Until I realized…
He was probably dreaming of you.
Laying on his wispy hair.
I’m doing the best I can sir…
I promise…
Los
RAIN IT DOWN
Wow! Such an amazing heart and story… I started crying just reading it. What an amazing challenge, joy, struggle and privilege to be a parent of an adopted child. I can;t wait to experience that same feeling, burden, responsibility, wonder and ministry that you have to your son. Love it!
It is amazing
I imagine that adopting has taught you some things about stewardship that perhaps some biological parents don’t think of … which is kind of unfortunate since none of us belong to us – much less our kids. So perhaps we should all think of our kids – and each other – as people God has temporarily entrusted to us on some level.
very true
Oh geeze I have tears streaming down my face. Thanks for sharing such an intimate moment.
you’re welcome Prudence
Wow. I have friends who are the legal guardians of a little girl that they’ve had for 4 years now and the feelings that you have are ones that they have as well. I never thought my buddy would be able to be the father of a 4 year old who’s now 8 but it many respects he’s doing a better job than I am. Seeing the smile on the face of your little boy shows that you are doing a far better job than you thought you could.
I know it will be up and down…but he’s amazing
Huh?
<3
back atcha
You are doing a wonderful job brother. Don’t doubt that for a second. Peace.
peace received Wes.
That just melted my heart! I’m adopted and always appreciate a great adoption story. Your little boy is lucky to have you for a dad and I’m sure his birth father is grateful for you too!
Wow Carol. Were you adopted domestically or internationally?
Some of your best writing. Really beautiful!
Thanks Natalie. I’m a dad blogger. I should just admit it.
My heart just skipped a beat. He is more than OK…have a happy Thanksgiving.
Thanks Anna!!! U2!
Really cool thought.
IT fills my mind daily.
Nice one, Los. Beautiful.
Great post!
as a dad of 2 adopted boys (Taiwan/Vietnam)—thank you for the above post bro…what a great reminder for me personally…thanks. and thanks for keeping adoption in front of your peeps los. wondering, what if it was normal for us all to adopt…and take care of the orphans.
I’d love for it to be a fad
Fads come and fads go. It would be far better if adoption became “the way it is”, that Christians were known for the continual love we demonstrate toward orphans (and others). But I get your point.
*raising a glass to toast* Here’s to hoping it becomes more than a fad!!! And people like you and Heather are helping to do just that!
Well done!
I keep reading this post – and I keep losing it – your heart gets to me man, big time.
Thanks Chad. I’m sure your heart gets to me too.
Appreciate it.
Hey brother Los. I’m dad to a beautiful little boy. Part Mexican. Part Ojibwe. All ours. My heart has taken that same left turn. Awesome, brother. Loved this one. God bless you and li’l los.
I stumbled on your website for the first time this morning. I watched all 14 adoption videos. They really touched my heart. You see in 2004 my husband and I traveled to Guatemala to adopt our son. He was 14 months when we picked him up. Even though our journey’s were very different they were also very much the same.
WELCOME!!! Hang around. We Ragamuffins have fun around here.
I will. I’ve passed your website along to my husband. We’ve just moved to SW FL to plant a church. My husband is the Sr. Pastor. I’ve told him about your site and your creative mentoring.
Beautiful Beautiful post. Which tells me you’re doing a beautiful job raising your son. The Best You Can is absolutely enough.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
You know, I bet Jesus yelled that very same thing back up to our Dad quite a lot when he was here on Earth. Thanks for being an awesome dad.
That made me cry.
me 2.
love love love.
To be wanted and wondered about is almost as lovely as being found.
6yearmed -
Apparently, you’re comments are as well written and amazing as your blog posts…
Um. Where have you been all my life. Or at least the last 6 months? Miss you.
Sniffle. You made this adoptive mom leak, just a little.
here’s a tissue
“You know, I bet Jesus yelled that very same thing back up to our Dad quite a lot when he was here on Earth. Thanks for being an awesome dad.” – Kevin
“The Best You Can is absolutely enough.” – Amy
You’ve got some solid Ragamuffins hanging around here, Los. Good stuff.
for real.
Bravo.
Well articulated. Thanks for taking the time to share this with us. It especially touched my heart in this season where we’ve just celebrated the home-going of our unborn child. Such goodness of God experienced amidst the hardest road we’ve walked. Bitter sweet, indeed. ck
I’ll pray for you.
Thanks so much…ck
Best post ever. Thanks for sharing.
yw
that was awesome. so blessed.
I am blessed.
You are the right daddy for him. And that thought is so so sweet. Makes me wonder what my brother Sam’s parents think…if they think of him…from their pillows in Seoul over twenty years later.
I wandered into your space via Pete Wilson in my Twitter stream . . . I am an adopted child. My mom flew out from Chicago to pick me up in L.A. . . . and I have been blessed ever since. Your story touched my heart. When I was about 23 I located my biological mother and had the blessing of meeting her and some of my siblings – she told me the story of why and how hard it was to make the decision . . . but she told me that each year on my birthday she spent time by herself thinking of me, wondering how I was, hoping that life was wonderful for me. Keep hollering to the sky and n e v e r doubt the beauty of the daily act of raising your son . . . you are God’s hands in his life.
wow greg. thank you so much. that means a lot.
This Mexican grandmother can’t imagine life without you Losiah. You light up my life.
HAHAHA
Well said. As momma to an amazing adopted (but totally ours) boy who just turned 5 on Monday, I wonder those same thoughts. Did she remember it’s his birthday? Does she know how absolutely amazing, smart and beautiful he is? Is it wrong that I’m thankful that the poor choices she made blessed our lives so richly? Can they be called poor choices when something so right came out of it?
Much love.
Wow. How to make a heart that has been thinking of adopting for a while now, jump.
I have not felt this feeling in a long while, due to our second kid being on the way. Wanting to have three, but really feeling obligated to adopt, you might just have pushed me over the edge just now. Thank you.
push
You’ll be so happy if you did…trust me!!
Best decision we ever made.
If your heart has EVER at any time in your life suggested adoption….DO IT NOW!!!! It may be scarey, and there may be times along the way when you ask, “why am I doing this?” but keep pushing through! When you hold that child in your arms and they call you momma/daddy for the first time…..you will wonder what took you so long to adopt. Remember that you are not alone in the adoption world!
my dear friend, it seems like at least once a month you make me cry–tears of joy tho..that there ARE in fact MEN who love being fathers, who cherish the blessings they have and appreciate the gifts God has given them. thank you for keeping me encouraged and reminding me that there ARE fathers out there like you. lots of love.
Thanks for making me cry!!! It is awesome for me to read your heart as such a passionate father. You’re awesome
thank you for writing this. i cannot wait for the day i get to hold my own adopted child in my arms.
I have to be honest, it has always been my dream to have kids. Biological kids, ones that look like me and my husband, ones who’s mannerisms I recognized, ones who looked like either side of the family and resemble their siblings….but you and Heather rocked my world when it comes to how you look at Losiah. When you share little caveats of your family life it challenges the way I’ve always thought. Ya’ll have redefined family for me in posts like this one. Thank you! Thank you for reminding me what “family” really is intended to be.
WOW! Beautiful post…thanks for sharing this part of your heart!
Beautifully put.
We are praying about adopting from China, thank you for sharing your heart and giving us insights into the good, the bad, the ugly and the amazingness of adoption.
The best you can do is absolutely perfect for that little dude. I am friends with several international-adopting parents and I know it can be hard as hell…and that’s from an outsider’s perspective.
You’re living out the rough call of James 1:27 that says the only true religion is looking out for widows and orphans. Keep looking out for him and God will look out for you. Nothing to worry about if it’s all surrendered.
Oh my gosh! I am so thrilled that God led me here to your blog today…I am loving your style….the truth, the humor, the real behind these words!
I’ll be back!
Peace~
*~Michelle~*
I adopted my wifes daughter when she was 4 (she just turned 16). She has never met her biological father (that she remembers). A day does not go by that I don’t wonder if I’m being a good dad. I will go outside tonight and scream “I’m doing the best I can sir” into the cold northern Indiana air.
Bless you Los for sharing your thoughts with us. I am thankful for that.
That was beautiful.
Oh yeah, tears.
*tear… What a lovely gift. The gift you gave Losiah by being his daddy is amazing… but I think the gift he gave you by being your son is probably far more profound.
There are many children who can only dream of a father who loves them like you love him, my kids included, and it is heartbreaking.
I love how you consider the man across the globe who gave life to this little man you love.
I found your blog a few months ago and have really enjoyed reading it so far! This entry was incredible. Of course, I cried like everyone else! Adoption is such a beautiful thing and I can’t wait to do it! Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for sharing the hardships that come from adopting internationally but also the incredible moments that come from stepping out and trusting God to do what is right. Its sharing the real things that make life so beautiful!
Wow. Heartfelt post, Los.
Thank you (again) for choosing to share what’s behind the curtain of your heart with us here, online.
Blessings. Happy Thanksgiving.
Wow. What a beautiful and sincere post! I am adopted and hope that my birth parents think of me but I am SO thankful for my adoptive parents. Adoption is a wonderful thing, thank you for being a great dad!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
One word: wow.
This was absolutely beautiful.
Love your heart!
totally melted here on my couch…thank you for sharing this…
beautiful.
i cannot wait until im able to adopt and hold another wispy haired girl in my arms and hug a nappy haired boy. i dont know them yet BUT i pray for them almost everyday and look forward to the day they come home to their wispy haired brother & their wavy-almost-frizzy haired mom
That’s great…just the other night I was outside looking up and thought of my son’s birthmom. I wondered if she was doing the same in Russia at that moment. It’s something when you get into the “sentimental” mode….it keeps you grounded.
Nice writing Los…it’s not easy to write stuff like you do so nautrally.
Wow! That was amazing, Los! What a beautiful thought! You made me cry right in front of my family. Thanks for sharing.
My daughters birth mom is still alive and I often times wonder what she is thinking about her girl. Thanks for this post
Such a blessed soul you have.
God bless you more and your kid
we think about our baby girl’s birth parents ALL THE TIME. i love them so much.
Wow. I mean, wow. Like, damn.
We feared that we (my husband and I) were the only ones had those thoughts. I feared that as I kiss my son’s face good-night and whisper, “in my arms, in your heart” I was going crazy. Being an adoptive parent has the joy that no-one can imagine, yet the fear that no-one wants to imagine! Thank You for showing us that we are not going crazy, that we are in this wonderful, crazy ride with loved ones!
Thank You!!
I think about my parents every day- I wonder if I look like my father. I think that in the beauty of adoption and caring for children that aren’t your own, the pain involved is overlooked. I pray that as your son grows he isn’t overwhelmed with the thoughts that I know can overtake someone living with people other than their biological families, but that he is overwhelmed by how much your family was imcomplete without him.
Thank God for families like yours and mine.
I just watched your little boy get told he’s not a ‘single lady’ too cute, so I checked out your site. I cried a little when I read this one – amazing.
Thanks Carlos for reminding me with your story of how God sees and loves us. You are blessed.
DANG IT LOS….i hate it…..when you make me cry!!!! Actually i love it.
Beautiful love. What a lucky boy, and if that man had a chance to read anything you write he would be able to know that his son is in the caring hands of a good man. Thank you for being so transparent with your emotions. I’m sure that gentleman could not have hand picked a better father for Losiah. I hope you don’t doubt yourself or if you are living up to anyone’s expectations for raising a child…Looks/sounds like you are doing a fabulous job!
I’ve said that to God, through tears and with my heart breaking, years ago raising our teenaged sons. Biological. And it’s a promise I make to Him all the time about our daughter. Adopted. All three gifts from Heaven. So grateful. Thank you for sharing that moment. I have often wondered if any other adoptive parents have those times…
Crying over here! Amazing and authentic.
Los, I live right outside Seoul. I can’t begin to tell you the amazing thing that your doing for your son (because he’s your son, too). To be in an orphanage here is not a pretty thing, especially as the kids get older, what with all the stigma and all.
From the bottom of my heart, Los, thank you so much for what you’re doing.
I only pray that G-d will open the doors for me to do the same soon.
<3