The Elf On The Shelf, My Parenting Manual, and Near Death
It started as innocent as any Christmas tradition.
But somehow Heather and I figured out a way to scare the hell out of our kids.
That cute/creepy bug eyed elf at the top of this post…
It’s his fault.
And mine.
Let me explain.
Heather had been telling me about this Christmas tradition that our friends Stephanie and Mark are doing.
Basically, an elf comes from the North Pole and your kids tell it what they want for Christmas and he also keeps track of Santa’s “Naughty and Nice” list.
CUTE!!!
I love it. I’m sold. Let’s buy that junk.
So it’s about 7 pm and Heather has the brilliant idea of knocking on the front door and leaving the elf there with the book about him as she is sprinting back around the house.
KOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK.
“What was that?” the 5 year old says.
“I don’t know? Go check the door.” I reply.
Nope. She can see through the window on the door that no one is out there and she’s not about to open it.
So the 7 year old offers…
Door opens…
This dude is sitting in front of it.
When I tried to look into his eyes and he never looked back I even got a bit creeped out.
I turned to the 5 year old…
Petrified.
I could see her mind spinning…
“What the #@$! That scary bug eyed elf just knocked on my door!!! I’m out…”
So I read her expression and tried to lighten the mood.
“Look!!! It’s an elf from the North Pole!!! Maybe Santa sent him!”
The 3 year old walks out the front door to pick him up.
“NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He Will Lose His Magic Powers!!!!!” The 5 year old screams.
Huh?
“No he won’t baby. Who told you that?”, I said as I picked him up.
She was not having any of this.
A stuffed elf who magically appears and knocks on the door harder than her daddy was not welcome in her home.
We tried. Nothing. She was not having it. She was scared of it. And I don’t blame her. Just look at it.
“Is that a fiction elf?” she asked.
Heather is now giving me the “Be Careful How You Answer This” look.
“Um. Well. Baby. Don’t worry. Sure. It may be a fiction elf. But we won’t know until we read the book”, I said.
I opened the book and started reading.
She kept freaking out that we had touched the elf and he’s probably lost his magic power.
To the point of tears.
I said that was nonsense. Nothing we can do can take the elf’s power away. So I thought I’d show her.
It all happened so fast. I don’t even remember why I did it.
But for some reason I quickly grabbed the elf and slammed his head 3 times on the table.
“See baby? He’s just fine.” I smiled.
Her eyes were as wide as the Atlantic.
Heather’s eyes were as well.
Bad move.
Move on quickly…
As I continued reading the story explained how this elf, whom we are supposed to name, will fly to the North Pole every night and tell Santa what’s up with the Whittaker kids.
Then he will fly back every morning and the kids were supposed to find him.
Then I turned the page and my mouth dropped…
“Do not touch me or I might lose my powers and not be able to fly to the North Pole and tell Santa all the nice things you are doing!”
Crap.
“SEEEEEEEEEEEE! I told you!!! DADDY!!!!!!! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Now we won’t get anything for Christmas from Santa!!! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
The 5 year old was hysterical.
Not only is she freaked out at the walking and knocking and flying elf in her house, I also all but killed it in front of her.
Then I saw the last page.
It was my safety net.
It was a certificate with a place to write the elf’s name, our family name and the date.
“Baby! It’s not official until we sign this…THEN you can’t touch him!”
She wanted to know if I was sure, I promised I was.
She wanted to know what happened if a friend touched the elf, I said it only counted if one of our kids touched it.
She wanted to know how the elf was going to get out of the house that night, I said maybe up the chimney.
I think she basically wanted to know if she would wake up that night and see that creepy elf staring her in the face.
They reluctantly went upstairs after I placed the elf on the shelf above the fireplace.
A few minutes later I took it down, hid it, opened the door, and went upstairs.
“Who left the door open?” I said.
The kids ran down and the elf was gone.
“The elf is gone!!!”, the girls yelled
“See kids. He didn’t lose his powers! He’s on his way back to the North Pole to tell Santa how amazing The Whittaker Family is!!!” I triumphantly exclaimed.
“But daddy, you almost killed him. I don’t think he will think that is amazing”
Where did that parenting manual go?
Los
RAIN IT DOWN
We just started doing Elf on the Shelf this year. I have to agree with you, he is creepy looking. Fortunately, we read the manual/book before handling the goods. Our elf has not died yet. But just imagine waking up with that thing staring at you. Scary.
Yea. He scares the hell out of me.
I agree the evil elf on the shelf is creepy….so when my kids wanted one i decided to look around for a cuter kind of elf. I found a perfect cute little elf…i think the brand is called “annalee” and instead of having my kids read the book…i just decided to tell them about the elf instead.
That is an awesome story … about fell out of my chair. Cherish these days with them man – they go fast.
They are flying by already.
that is one of the funniest things i have read in a while!
Me too!
We have several friends that do that elf on a shelf thing too. So are y’all gonna do the “gift a day” thing? I know families that don’t just sit him on a shelf… every morning he turns up in a different place in the house with a GIFT… everyday!! Too much pressure for me… and $$.
No way. We got that thing for like a dollar. lol
ONLY YOU!!! HAHAAHAHA!! Oh man… what next? A pickle in the tree?
We do the pickle!
We thought about the pickle
I think it would have been safer… LOL!
creeepy!!! so funny.
miss you!
We call him “Chucky on the Shelf” and raise the edges of our eyebrows when we say it… but totally doing it.
Seriously. He is sooooo Chucky looking. I’m even more scared now Ben.
Trying to catch breath after laughing so hard I about wet my pants!!!
Too funny.
Dude. Don’t pee. That would be gross.
peeing is natural los. don’t be ashamed/grossed out by your body. do i need to ship you this book? http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Poops-My-Body-Science/dp/0916291456
hahahahahhaa
An elf? that’s almost as crazy sounding as the 3 kings day tradition we were forced to do as kids. grass in a shoebox under my bed = food for the camels carrying the 3 kings that went to visit baby Jesus.
I don’t blame your 5 yr old, I’d cry too, lol!
3 Kings?!!! LOL.
Oh man! Hilarious! We have the book too and it’s our tradition at our house. Too funny!
Are you’re kids scared!
My friend and I came up with this press release that we told our children we received in an e-mail. We had decided that we were NOT going to buy the Elf on the Shelf. This is brilliant and a great alternative!
Elves Recalled to North Pole for Time Out. We used our daughter’s own stuffed animals for this same purpose and it was less scary (and LOTS of fun at the same time)
December 9, 2009 (North Pole) – Santa sent word for many of his Elves on the Shelves to return to the North Pole immediately for punishment due to property destruction and general mischievousness while elves were out on surveillance trips to watch for naughty (as well as nice) children. Reportedly, elves have been breaking dishes, stopping up toilets, swinging from chandeliers and causing hundreds of dollars of damage in homes of naughty and nice children.
The incidents revolve around several neighborhoods in the United States , Mexico , France and the Dominican Republic . Police have investigated the scenes and found such clues as tiny footprints, small hats, jingle bells left behind and in one case an elf even left his tiny little pants behind, as well as a full print of his… elf bottom. “Unmistakable” said police captain Jorge Vasquez of the Dominican, “the elf print was absolutely confirmed by our lab. In this particular case the elf had pulled his pants down to bounce on his bottom across the kitchen floor, where he left instantly recognizable prints as well as his britches.”
When contacted for comment, Santa’s public relations firm issued this statement: “Santa regrets any damage that has been done to property around the world by the few misbehaving elves. These elves have been called back to the North Pole where they will have to learn their lesson before being sent out on active duty again. In the meantime, Santa has enlisted the help of stuffed animals across the planet. He warns boys and girls everywhere that his helpers will be watching. If boys and girls notice any suspicious behavior in their own stuffed animals they should rest assured that Santa’s helpers are still out checking the Naughty and Nice-O-Meters and are reporting back to the big man himself. I repeat, Santa has helpers everywhere reporting to him, so boys and girls should definitely be on the lookout and above all, be good for goodness sake!”
BRilliant.
as funny as your “buckhead betty” story.
our elf, eddie, went flying off a ceiling fan last year which resulted in a similar outrageous fit where our 7 year old was screaming at the 2 year old “you killed eddie!!!”
pete and i sent the kids to the steps, closed the bedroom door and laughed until we cried!
HAHAHA. I love it.
My co-workers think I’m crazy as I’m sitting here cracking up with tears in my eyes! Great stuff!
THanks!!! And these are the days of my life
We started this tradition last year, our kids named this little demon “Elfis” as in “Elfis has left the building!” He freaks me out too. I had actually forgotten about him until my wife found him while unpacking the Christmas decorations. I begged her to leave him where she found him. She didn’t. Now he’s freaking me and the dog out.
Yea. He’s a freak.
Wow! That’s classic! We’re thinking about getting one… glad I know some of the rules now!
Yes. Be careful. She found out at school about the touching thing.
Hilarious! I was literally LOL! We got an elf last year but have yet to free him from his package. That sounded kind of dirty. I mean, he is still in the box. But not in the closet. Anyway, they do make a cuter, less-creepier elf these days. I saw one at Borders. But I like the creepy one because he reminds me of a similar elf decoration we had growing up.
Yes. He is creepy as crap. Scary.
That was so funny. You convinced me to get it. Haley, my wife, gave me a compelling spiritual reason not to get the Elf, but I seriously already forgot what it was. I’m getting one tonight.
I’m sure there is a good spiritual reason for not getting one. But I figure the kids can work that out in counseling later.
Good call.
Agreed!!
Oh beautiful. Thanks for the chuckle.
Glad I didn’t know about the elf…i would have messed it up too!
oh my word…this post just made me day!! I really need that laugh. Santa’s gonna be really mad at daddy for touching the elf and then banging his head on the table and now we won’t get any presents!!!
Smooth, Daddy, reallllll smooth!
The Whittaker Elf story will be one of those stories that gets re-told every year. “Do you remember that time….”
you know reading this I thought if you really REALLY want to freak them out… hide the presents Christmas morning…
… then again I’m not a parent so I can think things like this…
LOL!! That’s just wrong….
of course, that would be interesting if Heather does that just to teach Los a lesson. LOL!!
I think it was amazing! Totally cracked me up! We bought that last year for our daughter, but she is only two. Don’t think she gets it.
Oh I meant to say it made MY day, not me day. And don’t worry about being creeped out. my 19 year old son doesn’t even like the commercials for them because they are that creepy. LOL!
I’m pretty sure elves regain their magical powers if you light them on fire…
2 days ago we had to tell our 8 year old that our elf was not real. She heard from her friends at school that it is all a sham and her parents bought it. We decided to tell her the truth. Needless to say, she was hysterical. She wished we never told her the truth . . .
. . . that night she left another note on her night stand with questions about fairy land for her magical fairy friend, Dyrfinna.
I think Santa is safe for this year.
You totally made my day… and those of my co-workers! Laughing out loud crying… real tears. Thanks. And hope that Elfie stays magical for the entire season!
i am just looking forward to when you move to Chicago and one of your daughters is going through the boxes and sees the elf again and freaks out.
Looking forward to hearing how you explain that one to her.
That was one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I would have probably fallen out of my chair if you had said that the head popped off when you hit it against the table
My dear friend, Carlos, you haven’t made me ROAR with laughter like that in some time. THANK YOU! I needed it terribly. perfect storytelling. hug your beloved children for me and remind them that YOU are daddy and YOU can fix anything for them…let them believe that for as long as you can. ;0)
oh my word…i’ve never even heard of the elf on the shelf…..wow.
but carlos, that was freakin’ hilarious. thanks for making me laugh harder than i have in ages!
Waaaaay too funny! And that elf is waaaaay to creeeeapy!
That. was. HILARIOUS.
Thank you for the laughs, though I’m sorry it was at the expense of lacking a parenting manual!
I can’t wait to hear what your kiddos say when they grow up and realize it was YOU! There is bound to be some good stories ahead.
Aaand I just re-read the part in which you mercilessly smashed little elf’s head into the table. Laughing again.
That is so great!!! We have Oodle the Elf in the same place for the last 2 nights! Parents to tired and forgot to move the elf…we told them someone must have touched Oodle and he wasn’t allowed to move that night. I sooo hope we remember to move him tonight!
I’m still laughing about smacking the elf on the table! Have fun!
This is absolutely fantastic. I laughed out loud.
My daughter’s only nine months old, so it’s nice that I can learn from your… let’s say “experiences.”
I got The Elf on the Shelf for my (almost 2 yr old) nephew this year, and I asked him what he wanted to name him. He thought about it for a second and replied, “Doctor” just as serious as he could be. So now creepy Dr. Elf sits on my sister’s shelf and aunt Sarah goes home to an elf free zone. Ah, the joys of being an aunt…
Thanks for the laugh, I desperately needed it!
Houstin we have a problem…obviously the boys don’t buy into this “watching your behavior and reporting to Santa” stuff. I think we need to fire our elf…he must not be very convincing of his powers. The first night he was on duty there was much to report. Lets just say the boys took a whole new meaning to “trimming” their tree AND all things on it. Umm, the elf was watching and promptly reported back to Santa…now what? There are MANY more nights until Christmas and we have only just begun. Holy cow do they keep us on our toes. Maybe Santa is giving pardons this year?
Thank you Carlos for walking down this path before I do. At least you know that they believe.
Hey Los’s what did you end up naming the Elf?
Dude… that’s pretty hilarious! My cousin’s neighborhood in MN growing up had a “Santa” in a minivan that would knock on the doors and say hi to the kids. My mom also got my uncle to call us and pretend he was Santa and ask us what we wanted and stuff.
It was pretty creative, I’ll give her that.
I literally laughed out loud when I was reading this!
Oh man. Thanks. I needed that.
How did Heather POSSIBLY keep from cracking up over the fiasco? That is hysterical!
Oh. you should have seen her face.
Oh my word! I totally laughed out loud. Not like an LOL, but a real, straight-up, audible laugh.
Hilarious.
Well that was the goal. To get you young single soon to be mothers a dose of reality.
We sell these things where I work. Awesome. Hahh!
I dream of Chuckie
Yea it gets creepy. I’m at the register and look up to notice an entire wall of elves staring at me…
I’ve never heard of such a thing, but this had me cracking up at work!
Ohmyword that was crazy hysterical. I can’t.stop.laughing.
“But daddy, you almost killed him. I don’t think he will think that is amazing”
Awesomeness.
And he didn’t
I miss you and your family. Tons.
…That’s all.
you are missed as well.
As well…
Love.
Los
Los,
My oldest son, Caleb, carries a gun in his line of work, and I can just imAGINE what he woulda done instead of smashing the little elf-demon’s head on the table.
This has to be the funniest thing I’ve read in ages! I REALLY want to visit one upon the grand-kids now. Tee Hee.
You also coulda named this “I Dream of Chuckie”
This is great stuff!
Ok I am crying right now from laughter, I just read your post to my sister ( who has the Elf at her house)… too funny – thank you so much for the cute story, I needed the laugh tonight.
My sister had hers out side and said “I think I hear someone at the door” to which her husband said “no one is at the door or the dogs would have barked” and then she gave him the big eyes and he finally got it.
They are enjoying it – hope you guys will too.
I have to say thank you. I have not laughed this hard in a very long time and it was exactly what I needed. I could not catch my breath at one point and had tears streaming down my face. That was seriously the funniest thing I have read in a long time. So thanks for sharing. Hopefully your kids will be better in the morning.
read it. good story
love you guys
I am still laughing.. “But daddy, you almost killed him. I don’t think he will think that is amazing”.
We do this with my niece each year and she loves it. 2 years ago she wrote a letter and left it near him on the last day before he returns back to the north pole for the year and it was too sweet.
That is fantastic.
I just tried to read this out loud to my wife in bed. Not only did I wake up the 6 month old, but I had to pass her the iPhone because I simply couldn’t read it through my tears. Laughing. Dying laughing. Thanks, Los. We don’t know you, but your posts make us feel like we do. (And for the record, my parents were flying elves–one for each of us–back in the early 80’s, so I’m well versed in “elvish childhood petrification.” It’s very real. I still twitch. Perhaps why my newest novel with Nelson is all about elves?). ch:
I’ve had a cold and had a coughing fit while reading this, simply amazing. No joke, I was shopping with my mom yesterday and saw this in Borders. I thought “what a cool idea” for my family as I read the box, then opened and went “This looks like the scary elves grandma decorated her tree with!!!” (no joke, same exact thing). Love the idea, but that elf is freaky.
laughed until i cried reading this … best quote ever: “I quickly grabbed the elf and slammed his head 3 times on the table.” hahahahahaha
That was so funny!! Thanks for making my day! Yah, that elf is freaky… Your kids are going to need a lot of therapy when they’re adults
What a great story!
best story i’ve read in a while. thanks for that man
yeah, kill that pagan elf
ha ha ha
This post needs to be a children’s book just for parents.
You guys are awesome parents!! I love this!
I think I’ll try this with my kids this year, then after doing so they’ll admit me someplace cause I have two boys ages 16 and 13!!
Don’t you just love having kids and fun holiday stuff like a silly Elf!! Actually I AM going to do a version of this for my boys and we’ll laugh and I’ll get teased and I’ll hug them and tell them no more veggies cause veggies are good for them and cause them to grow, I want them small again somedays, then we’ll laugh some more, all because of this silly Elf.
This is freaking hilarious. And your kids are a brave bunch. I would never make it through the night with that thing staring at me!
That’s so funny. Now what happens when the Elf forgets to go to the North Pole some night. Nothing to report good or bad? Hurry… think of something. ;*)
Holy freakin that IS creepy. I love Seanna’s comments.
OH.
MY.
WORD.
i can’t believe you banged his head on the table THREE times.
What a great post! I haven’t laughed that hard in awhile.
Dude – when I got to the part about you banging the elf’s head on the table, I LOST it!
Hilarious.
Thanks for the great laugh. I heard about your blog from my pastor and also about an art project for the homeless. I would like more details when you get a chance.
Thanks
I’m an elementary music teacher and today we were singing a song about Elves. I asked the kids what an Elf does and they said the typical things like “work in Santa’s shop” or “wrap presents”. Then one kid piped up and said, “NO! An elf sits there and stares at you!” I had no idea what she was talking about. Then we acted out what elves do and while everyone else was pretending to wrap presents she was standing still with very wide eyes. Hilarious!!!! And now, I know all about the Elf on the Shelf!!
Love it! I can’t wait until my daughter is older and I can do this with her!
Yeah.. great tool but the two big rules to avoid major drama is don’t touch him… and don’t forget to move him before they get up in the morning!
Very well written… almost fell out of the chair with the hitting the head on the three times thing because I think the same way under that kind of pressure from the kid.
crying…..too funny! and something my youngest would say!! She cried when Beethoven fell out of the back of the truck!
so now when do you tell them that Santa isn’t real? you’ll definitely need a parenting manual for that…
nah. they’ll find out on the playground sometime
this is sooo funny- we just started the elf on our 3 year old this week- my friend sent me the link to your post- I laughed so hard when I read this-thanks for posting this! you are a really funny writer! the elf really is creepy- you’d think they would’ve market tested it to see if anyone could stand to look directly at it!!
We have the elf and sometimes he forgets to change hiding places like he did last night. “Mommy, why didn’t Mr. Candy Cane – Peppermint hide in a new place? Well . . . he said he really likes it up on the mantle because he can see everything really well. Oh – ok.” It is so easy to distract a 6 year old boy. Now, when my girl is older I am going to have to be a whole lot more careful – they catch on to your schtick a lot faster. ;o) Bahahahaha – fun times!
i think it would have been easier just to tell your kids that Santa wasn’t real all along. now, when it is time to tell them the truth, you have to explain the creepy elf thing too.
or maybe that is the pessimist in me.
but honestly… that is one of the funniest Christmas-related stories I have ever heard…. ever!
that,my friend, is a classic…my kids are too old for that at 15/13/9…I did the toilet monster…
http://kingmagic.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/monster.jpg
which totally freaked out my son and daughter when they were little…
Eww, that freaks me out as an adult!
Hilarious! Thanks for Sharing! One of these little dolls showed up on my door step the other night….after we posted a link to your blog post about it on our website….We don’t know who it was that gave it to us……but we say Thanks and then start therapy as this thing keeps us awake at night….. Mini Chucky doll, I say….
Oh my goodness…I remember when this elf first showed up when I was a child, several decades ago. It scared me then and still does. There is something creepy about those fixated smiling eyes. Never heard a story about the elf but fell out of my chair laughing at this! Only thing remotely as funny that I have read is “Squirrel verses Motorcycle”! http://www.vtwinmama.com/demonic_squirrel_riding_story.htm
Merry Christmas!
haha “you almost killed him!” that’s great.
UM- I don’t have kids nor have I ever heard of Elf on the Shelf BUT my mom has a whole family of elves that look like that!! Every year she would take them out and put them together in a sleigh. My brother, sister, and I hated them!! We would try and put them somewhere the dog would eat them but even he wouldn’t touch them!! She still has them and now we fight over who has to take them.. LOL
That story is amazing. Thank you. I laughed out loud so many times my wife was yelling from across the room asking what I was reading.
And yeah, the elf’s a little creepy.
This story is amazing!
Thanks for the laughs…
I work at a law firm that represents the Elf on the Shelf people. I forwarded this blog post to their Attorney and she loved it, as did I. Maybe she can convince them to make the elf a little less creepy.
Los – That was hilarious. I, too, am looking for that parenting manual! We introduced our Elf this year… His name is Elvis – kids love finding him each morning. The other day, Don (big Don) was asking him if he had a good trip back from the North Pole. Little Don said, “Daddy, Elvis can’t talk to you! He has to be quiet!” Wow – he really WAS listening when we read the book.
Hope you guys are well – Merry Christmas!
Jenn
This is just about the funniest story I have read/heard in quite a while! Looks like the Whittaker kids are sharp! Watch out daddy!
Why do parents insist on lying to kids about Christmas and take away from the true meaning of Christmas, Jesus Christ? It’s not about lies about fat men delivering presents or elves that watch your every move. It’s about a Savior, God in the flesh. At first my wife insisted on lying to the kids and she did Santa Claus for several years. But, I refused to be a part of it. Then when my daughter was 7 and son was 6 years old I told them the truth. Now we celebrate what Christmas is REALLY about, Jesus Christ. Have a Happy Christ’s Birth.
I got so many laughs out of this story….and this vid. http://www.youtube.com/user/theelfontheshelf Thanks for sharing. have a great day.
Tabb
that story is ROFLOL hysterical. I love it and I am sending it to ALL my friends (and I have a ton of them) using that ELF!!!!
I’m another reader who hasn’t met you, but enjoy the sharing of life on your blog. Thanks for making my morning…. everyone should start the day laughing outloud with tears in their eyes!
I have had fun w/Santa delivering gifts, don’t do sitting in strange man’s lap either, but we didn’t use him for the naughty/nice watching thing… so Elf might not be very credible either.
I finally have the answer to who this Elf is I heard about on Facebook!
Still too Chucky-esque for my taste tho LOL!
And to add, if anyone has not read Susan’s link in her comment… the story of the squirrel, please do. I laughed outloud w/tears about the Elf…. then I was uncontrollably loud with more tears and woke both my kids with that one.
HILARIOUS!! Cracked UP at the part where you slammed its head into the table! That’s good stuff . . .