Your Affair Can Only Teach Me So Much // PART 2
So this morning I got some people frazzled.
Which is good.
But I wanted to clarify, and clarify is the wrong word, make known LOUDLY the point again.
The point was not to say that sharing the redemption story of your marriage is bad.
IT IS GOOD, NEEDED, AND NECESSARY.
We just don’t have enough people who have avoided the pitfalls so many of us fall into speaking into our marriages and lives.
My GREAT friends…
Like long conversations into the night friends…
Meghan, Jenni, Cindy…
They have walked both sides of this issue and write unbelievable stories of Gods working hand in their marriages and lives.
That is their story to tell and God WANTS them to tell it.
I just know, and they ALL would agree, that there is NOT NEAR enough people speaking to the ways they have AVOIDED these things.
Trust me…Heather and I could have our own week of how Carlos almost screwed the marriage up for you to see.
But instead of letting you know what a dumb#!@! I was, and how gracious she still is, I thought I’d let you guys throw some models of consistency and great marraiges our way so we can find those people online.
Anyways.
Just thought I would throw that out there.
Changing NOTHING from what I wrote before but adding a few words to your flava…
In order to become something you study the something you want to become.
Get it?
Good.
Los
RAIN IT DOWN
got it man. today’s post was great.
You are right, Los. Look at it this way; while my sweet wife was training for a career in the banking industry, she studied for a week on counterfeit money and identifying counterfeit money at a glance. How were they successful? By spending the vast majority of their time studying the details of real money.
Once they were secure in knowing the ins and outs of the real deal, the counterfeit was immediately noticeable. Then, they studied the different styles of fakes.
So yes, there should be balance- learning from mistakes of others, as well as learning from those who have made it 30, 40, 50 years together.
just my .02
I know a few older couples who I greatly admire. But they don’t hang out online.
you’re right. i TOTALLY agree with you.
and… maybe, just maybe… people are frazzled by your earlier post because they are guilty of loving the “drama” and the nice little bow tie ending of a marriage saved story.
i’m thankful for my marriage now. how strong it is. how God completely restored it. how much we’ve grown and grown together. but if i could trade ever having to hurt Brian as much as i did… i would. in a heartbeat.
in other news… i miss you, my dark mexi-nugget.
I think one of the biggest challenges for most married couples is proactivity. We tend to react to a problem rather than proactively developing rhythms that create connection and partnership.
What does it take for us to be motivated and inspired to do the daily work of an intimate relationship?
It’s easy to get in a rut of mild disconnection that can lead to feeling more like roommates than intimate partners.
I’ll write the story of my parents someday. They had one of those love without condition in the good times and hard times kind of marriages. He died without a regret and at his funeral the most common theme was the love they shared with others by loving each other so well. The stories of redemption are essential… but I agree… so are the stories that show the hard work applies to all marriages of all conditions.
Seriously. This topic is one of the biggest passions of my life.
Eventually I see Brad and I dedicating ourselves to the cause of beginning a movement. A movement of people who want more than the status quo.
In fact we’ve been working on a little project. So if there are any people out there who might want to partner with us- check out http://www.marriagechampions.com and see what we’re up to.
I think that those of us who are talking about our moral failures online are doing so because we have learned some serious DO THIS lessons from our screwups.
So when I’m talking about my affair on my blog or on twitter, i’m not rehashing the old stuff or the hows and whys, i’m talking about the things my husband and i are doing currently to be married well:
ways to communicate
staying pure
being honest
things like that.
i guess i’m saying that we ARE talking about what to do and how to have a rockin marriage (even if we’ve screwed up in the past)
GREAT insight…yep, yep!
Totally agree.
Not saying you are not.
Just saying we need those to speak from the other side of the coin as well.
Why am I not surprised that my good buddy CW got some stuff stirred up. Holla, you crazy man.
Good stuff.
I’m a believer that stories need to be told. There is power in a testimony, especially when one has been touched by the very powerful hand of our God. So whether you’ve walked through the shadow of the valley of death or just known people who have, SHARE!
He’d probably never write about it, but he does preach about it. My pastor, Craig Groeschel, has one of those marriages where they have done things right, for the most part. Not perfection, and he’d never claim it, but they are as healthy a couple I’ve ever met.
I think that’s the key: Healthy. Because even if adultery hasn’t entered into a marriage, there are plenty of other issues that all couples have to face at some point. May not be gigantic in nature, but no marriage is perfect. What matters, I think, is that there is health.
As far as couples who share their stories of infidelity…well, I imagine there might be some with wrong motives but honestly, do we really think couples want to be known as “the adultery couple”? I mean, I don’t mind people knowing me but this wasn’t exactly how I expected they’d know me when I was planning my wedding 18 years ago. #justsayin’
We must all be careful not to judge the motives of others. There’s only One who knows.
As always, Carlos, great stuff for conversation. I love your heart!
Sometimes is seems that anyone that’s been faithful in their marriage, friendships, or even their “walk” is afraid to talk boldly about it. Is it because they don’t want to look like they are prideful and boasting? Is it because we will IMMEDIATELY remind them that “all have fallen short”? Or is it because all of us that have screwed up everything we touch look at them with those sceptical eyes. I applaud and admire anyone that that is bold (and humble) enough to share the things they have done well.
hey! i knew what you meant yesterday and this is something that has been bugging me a lot too.
our whole society has so glamorized the dramatic that when marriages are good, we almost think there is something wrong.
wish folks would have the courage to write about the good stuff of their marriage too… just little tips… it would help those of us who are newbies to this marriage thang
learning how to be a wife (and my hubby a husband)… its not easy-peasy
Good point. My wife and I have been married for 28 years and have raised three pretty cool kids (the youngest is 19 and in his second year at Ocean’s Edge School of Worship). I could write a book about what it takes to get through this journey but I think I can boil it down to this: Do not get married unless you are ready to give up yourself. When you are ready, you will know it. Then, do not have kids unless you are ready to give up yourself even deeper. Will careers and your “goals” and plans suffer? Probably. It is hard to act out selfishly when you take your role as husband and dad seriously. And, really, your stuff becomes their stuff and it all mingles and creates this wonderful stew called family. Most importantly, it can’t be done without a deep relationship with Jesus. Is it all hard? Yep. Worthwhile? Absolutely… (BONUS: here is a link to my post on my recent anniversary: http://chroniclesofjaysephus.blogspot.com/2010/04/ode-to-hope.html) Keep working…
The redemption story is romantic. But how messed up is it that it’s more romantic than a couple being happily married for 50 years? I mean no disrespect to those of you that have been crushed by affairs or even divorce.
I’ve only been married for 5 and a half years but every morning that I wake up I fall in love with my wife all over again, or at least try to. This blog post has helped me some with that, so thanks Los for the post.
With this said, I have neighbor that lives across the street from me. He was married for 29 years. He cheated and now he lives alone in a 2 bedroom house across the street from me. Every time I see him, he reminds me to hold on to what I have. He asks for prayers. I know he desires a shot a redemption, I see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. The problem is redemption is a painful process even when it’s successful. Maybe that’s why it is so romantic.
i totally agree.
it’s only by looking and studying what you want to be that you will actually get there by God’s grace. (this is why we are told to fix our eyes on CHRIST).
Totally agree we need to start a conversation about stuff and it is good to air what we did wrong at some point though it becomes counter productive and familiarity ends up being a problem. Where instead of helping it is hurting and it is good and timely that we hear the other side of the story.
I get it..
I saw this the other day, and it made me want to hug my husband all day… grab some Kleenex before you watch…
They are not Christians, but man, what a reflection of how to love one another as Christ would have us to in marriage….
http://twentytwowords.com/2010/08/18/an-interview-with-a-dying-husband-and-his-wife/
p.s. it’s only 5 min. long
I don’t know you and i don’t even remember how I stumbled across your blog several months ago, but I like reading it and it makes me laugh. I also love how you love Heather out loud
But onto the point of my comment- the marriage I most admire is Stuart and Kellee Hall– phenomenal, because they lived it/ live it in front of me- when I was 16, I was in Kellee’s small group and have been in their home, lives, and hearts ever sense– the best thing about their marriage is that they are never content, they are always fighting for more- and they allow me, their kids, and now my hubby and boys to be a part of it. 12 years later, I’m still learning from them- and their marriage doesn’t look a thing like it did back then.
Naturally, my husband and I asked them to do our marital counseling as well- and what a blessing it was.
I’m walking through an affair right now with a friend- they’re trying to stick it out- it’s almost been 2 years and God is doing big things. I’m learning from it– boundaries, guardrails, transparency– ALL important.
But Stuart and Kellee- man. They have something we want.
Dude, that’s awesome! We’re so often attracted to the bizzare, the wrong that it’s almost hard to be inspired by the “mundaneness” of people who get it right!
Still greatly shaken by husband’s affair that was about 5 years ago. Feeling like it (the marriage) will never be what it could be or reach it’s potential. Still feeling burned and keeping at a distance. Staying in it for the kids. By far.
I know all the talk— I know how to get over it. but maybe I don’t really……… want to? Maybe I feel that I am a person worthy of more respect? Maybe I have lost 110% of any respect I had for my spouse?