Your Affair Can Only Teach Me So Much
There is lots of talk about affairs and marriages restored online lately.
Either A. More Christians are having affairs or B. More Christians are talking about their affairs.
I’m picking B.
I think it is great to read these stories and learn from those mistakes.
I also think most people read them for the same benefit one watches Jersey Shore or Real Hose Wives of Nova Scotia…
Pure train wreck drama.
Now the great things about my friends and their stories is that there is a story of redemption in the end.
In some way shape or form.
Lot’s of people are helped by our problems and our solutions.
It is GOOD to write about these things.
…
BUT. (Big But…Like Sir Mixalot Big But)
…
I think that in order to truly grow in our marriages we need to be learning from those who have done it WELL.
No marriage is perfect. We know that.
But we need to be hearing from couples who have AMAZING marriages that have not been jeopardized by cheating or other moral failures.
Here is the problem.
A. That’s no fun to read about.
B. I can’t find the blogs because no one is talking about them.
I’ve got lots of blogs to read where I know what NOT to do.
I just would like to find the blogs where I learn what TO DO.
So I’m issuing a decree…
Hear Ye Hear Ye Ragamuffins!!!
Who out there has AMAZING marriages that we can learn from and where are they at?
They don’t even have to have a blog!
I just want to know they exist!!!
Talk to me.
Los
RAIN IT DOWN
Here’s one:
http://judifree.com/everyday-wonderful/
That link ALONE was worth this whole post.
THANKS MAN!!!
Great link! Thanks for sharing!
WOW! I second Mr. Los on this one… Your mom is THE BOMB!!! Thanks for sharing!
Oh they exist my man. Chalk my wife and I up as a couple doing it right. (I SAY THIS HUMBLY OF COURSE!)
Awesome man. Keep strong!!!
I LOVE MY WIFE! @jamywellman and I have been married for five years, and our marriage is the best thing that has happened to me after my salvation. She is the love of my life, a wonderful mother to our children, and a partner in ministry like no other.
http://jonwellman.wordpress.com – Not a Camouflaged Soul
Congrats man. Are you writing about it?!!!
I did on my old blog that is not completely imported yet (iWeb leaves much to be desired). Here is what I wrote about our five year anniversary… http://bit.ly/dcMbXa
BTW, I use question marks and exclamation points at the same time also.
HAHAHAHAHA
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I’ve been married to my best friend for 30 years, and it just keeps getting better. We are more in love today than we were in 1980. Love God, and love people…and make the first person in that line of “people” your spouse. It works. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty daggone close.
What is one thing that has helped you guys make it 30 YEARS!!!
I believe one thing is to remember it’s not about me. It’s about her, and it’s about us. When I remember that consistently, then the “me” gets taken care of better than I could have hoped for. Without trying to sound trite or Christianese, it really is about loving your wife like Christ loves the church. When I got a glimpse of how much He loves me (as his bride, the church) then I began to understand how I’m supposed to love my wife. And it changed me.
I’m glad someone said it. It was getting a little old. Makes me wonder if people share it just to get the attention…also makes me wonder what it puts the spouse through, having to re-live it. To me, it’s appeared that one person who was genuine, with good intentions blogged, and then others saw the popularity and jumped on it. I could’ve jumped too, but I’ve chosen not to emphasize that time of my life. It was ugly. I wore that Scarlet Letter long enough! Now in a good marriage and ministry- that’s how I want to be known and remembered.
So who in your life do you look to that has done it right?
LeAnn, not that I blog about my marriage very often, but if I did, I would only have my story to tell. Which unfortunately is one where I had an affair. I don’t say it for attention or think it’s harmless in the pain it causes my wife…BUT, it is real and it’s my story.
I agree w/ Carlos’ post, but can also see why people blog or talk about it. More people are going through rough marriages than good ones, so of course there are more rough stories than good ones.
I also think there’s a real danger in putting an affair so far behind you that you can’t see it anymore (or speak about it). If you start referring to an affair as ‘a past life’ or ‘who I used to be’ watch out – the truth is that is who I am without His grace. The truth is I need Him everyday to not make the same mistakes again. The truth is I want to be remembered as a fallen child of God that let Him pick me up – not as a success story on my own.
My wife and I just did an extensive taped interview for our church to put online and sat on a stage last sunday live to talk about the rebuilding of our marriage. I can tell you I didn’t do it for the attention (I was dreading it)…I did it with the hope that it would push someone closer to God.
Eric,
My goal in my (quickly made) comment was not to offend, or belittle anyone’s story. I have the same story…as a Pastor’s kid and worship leader. The consequences sucked. Bad. But, it has been the most miraculous 10 years since. I have reason to celebrate, be joyful, and share my story of redemption and healing and new beginnings. I am remarried, and we are actually in ministry with my ex-husband.
My point is just that SO many keep the affair as their FOCUS, and I have thought…why not make the healing be the focus? Show me what God has done in your life since then, and how He made you WHOLE again
I will write my story one day. Just haven’t because it seemed to be the popular thing to do and I didn’t want to go that direction.
You’re right- we are NOT success stories on our own. I give the glory to my Redeemer anytime I talk about it.
People like my parents, your parents, Peter and Emily Celum (you may know them from CSBC, or not
), and other people who have mentored me and lived an example of a committed love relationship. But you know what? There are a lot of 2nd marriages that inspire us in our 2nd marriage. And a lot of marriages that struggled A LOT, and have been healed of some really tough stuff- that inspires me, too.
My husband and I are about to celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary and we’ve never been happier. Seriously, the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” side of me finds it almost scary how good we’ve got it. We’re imperfect, flawed people but we’ve built a life together, raised a couple of kids we’d want to be friends with even if we weren’t related to them (by the way, empty nest – it doesn’t suck!) and we still would rather spend time with each other than anyone on the planet! Thank you, Jesus!
Give us a tip…
Hmmm. Well, speaking as an empty-nester to someone in the thick of parenting, I can tell you, my husband was better at balance than I was/am. We adore our kids and were completely wrapped up in parenting through those years (not a bad thing), but my husband never neglected our relationship. He was (and is) super-attentive, genuinely complimentary and all-around loving guy. (I know. I’ve got it good.) I tell young parents all the time to stay friends, because one day it WILL be just the two of you again.
Spiritually, we’ve had different “callings,” different ministry or charitable “tugs” at different times, but we always respect each other. I’m not his Holy Spirit, and he’s not mine. What a relief that is!
Congrats!
Thanks, man!
They do exist! It’s not my calling to write about it but I can attest to my almost 9 year marriage that The Lord is good, continues to change us for the better and shows me every day how He is growing me & my Mighty Man. I know we haven’t been married that long, but we both come from a legacy of parents and grandparents who have been married 40, 45 and 60+ years. I see their relationships and they sometimes drive each other nuts, but they have weathered near financial ruin, cancer, alcoholism and more. They are committed to staying together, just like their vows said. In fact, when we first got married and were having problems, my husband told me “I come from a long line of long marriages. Divorce isn’t an option.” And it will never be!
Take heart Los! 50% of people maybe getting divorced but that leaves a whole ‘nother 50% who stay together!
Amen!
I totally agree. This is coming from a guy who’s had an affair and writes about on his blog. Thanks for the reminder that redemption is beautiful even without an affair.
You are welcome.
I just think I need to hear from great marriages as well.
And they don’t have to be 90 years old.
Im so glad u said said that. Im so sick of people who have been married a long time telling my wife and I (of only 2.5 yrs) “its all fun now, but just you wait…!” Wait for what?
I absolutely hate it when some of the older couples see us holding hands on the way into church and say, “Just wait. You’ll get over that.” What if we don’t ever want to get over it? My grandparents have been married 50 years, and they’re still holding hands.
Awesome! I love that.
I completely agree with you. We have been married 15 years and there several couples in our church no less who have been married double that who will constantly say oh you won’t be doing that in 15 more. I come so close to saying I will be doing that and so much more and its gonna be good too. ;0)
We get better with every year and we intend to be making out and so much more at 80!!!
Hey man, my parents are celebrating their 50th anniversary next month and my grandparents just celebrated their 74th anniversary (yeah 74 years of marriage) – btw: no blogs. And I am so proud to say that because it is something you don’t see very often. And my take on the reason that they are happy and have long lasting weddings? Love, commitment and Forgiveness.
You totally nailed it – love, commitment, and forgiveness.
Hubs and I married 33 years….he’s a Godly man…now the cool thing is that’s only been in the last 10 -13 of those years and we are just blown away that God let us stay married those first ones…I STILL think it has alot to do with my man but he don’t blog…
Sounds like a guy I need to spend some time around
Kinda seems selfish…”I’ll never do that to my wife so would ya shut up already?”
Maybe our stories aren’t for you…maybe they are for those who are feeling like their lives are over because it’s happening to them. Maybe there are kids in the mix whose lives will be changed FOREVER if Mom and Dad don’t decide that restoration is possible. Maybe they need hope.
You find me a perfect marriage and I’ll find you a perfect church!
No one is asking for a perfect marriage.
I said they don’t exist in the post.
But are you saying that there are not marriages that are doing it RIGHT instead of wrong?
Because that…would suck.
I guess I”m saying we are all flawed…those flaws just show up in different ways.
I understand what you are saying…I guess there are some guys out there who become known as “that guy”. Sad. Once you become new, maybe we should focus on that part?
Yup!
We should.
I also think that Premarital Counseling is a joke and it needs to be changed to post marital counseling.
Our church wouldn’t give us premarital counseling because we were living together…HA!
hahahaha.
Amazing.
gotta START somewhere and building that relationship w/a couple doing pre marital with them…hopefully they know we’re there for them when it inevitabley starts to crumble…
Los – I don’t think premarital counseling is a joke at all. It has been instrumental in the success of my marriage. However, it can be a joke if it’s only done for the sake of going thru the motions so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
That being said I am totally on board with post-marriage counseling! Nobody has it all figured out by the wedding day. “Check-ups” should be more frequent than annual physicals at the doctor.
I have just been in dozens…
And I know when I was in premarital counseling…
I just couldn’t wait to have sex with my wife…
It should include how to do that well.
I also don’t think pre marital counseling a joke. Seen MANY couples who struggle trying to figure things out after being married instead of doing it before because they didn’t lay it all out on the table. Been VERY happily married for almost 6 years and I think part of that is because we got pre marital counseling from an amazing couple. Their marraige was far from perfect but they asked us some tough questions. And they were a living example to what a marraige should look like. And while I am far from perfect I am actually mentoring some young very newly married girls who are struggling in their marraiges already….sharing some of the same ideas that they shared with us. I wish more couples would get good honest premarital counseling. To help facilitate discussions that new couples may be uncomfortable to start, re-iterate how important of a decision marraige really is, and model what a healthy marraige looks like. Long before we were getting counseling from this couple they were a living example.
My wife and I have been married 7 years and it is amazing how much God continually blesses us.
She made a great point that most premarital counseling occurs too late – the decision has already been made.
I love that so many of these posts refer to the example of parents, grandparents, friends, etc. True premarital counseling starts before you even know what marriage is.
You are right premarital counseling is a joke. The pastor gave us a video to watch as ours. He recommended a friend of his who did both pre and post marital counseling but we called and soon realized we didn’t have the funds for that and he said i understand that but he didn’t seem to care that we weren’t getting it either.
preach that.
Wait who? What? Preach what?
And I might add, in the interest of not offending anyone, I’m not talking about anyone in particular. I love the friends who have shared, and it was very brave and inspirational. But a few have taken it way too far….
I think some don’t share GOOD stories because they are afraid of looking like they are bragging, or projecting an impossibly perfect image. Truth is, there are some great marriages out there, and you’re right- people need to write about them!
Awesome points!
I think my wife and I are doing pretty well. One thing I’ve found to be important is that hanging out and “making time” for her shouldnt be an event. Spending time with her should be the default and everything (everyone) else should penciled in like an event. I’m not so into this ‘date your spouse’ thing…she’s not my girlfriend anymore; she’s my flesh. I don’t date Jesus…I LIVE with him. Why would I treat my wife any different? She gets first dibs on everything.
I’ve been saying no to stuff a lot more lately – I want her to know that I’m available for her before everyone else. We don’t even do much sometimes, but Im around and I think that’s important.
We acknowledge that our relationship with God is suposed to be like this…why not for our spouse too?
WOW!!! This is how it should be.
i think those of us with good marriages feel like it’s bragging or at the very least awkward to just talk about how good we’ve got it.
my hubs and i have been married for 17 years and he works in an industry with a 90% divorce rate.
we feel like we’ve just gotten started.
primarily because, like you talked about, we watch those who have succeeded. like our parents. mine celebrate 50 years in october and his just hit 47 years.
however, i do have a blog that attempts to help people find or develop healthy relationships. it’s pretty satirical and not focused on my own marriage but definitely comes from my own experiences. i posted it above.
What industry is that?
u and heather are one of the best examples of a beautiful marriage “lived” about online!
Also pete & brandi wilson and brent and tam hodge
U know who we also need to hear from? Parents who raised their kids right and kids who didn’t fall into rebellion.. So we can learn from their wisdom as well!
I feel like I’m living in a dream everyday! My husband and I were married 7 years ago… at the tender age of 19. It really does get better and better. I thought we were crazy in love at 19, but it’s even deeper and richer now, more than I could’ve ever imagined. I can’t wait for the next 60 years!
My maternal grandparents have been together for 62 years and they’re so cute together! My parents have been married for 27 years. I have several aunts and uncles who have been married longer than my parents and they’re still going strong. I actually just realized what while I have one aunt and one uncle whose marriage into my family are second marriages, not one of my blood related family members has gotten a divorce. I don’t know about outside of my grandparents and aunts/uncles, but I just realized how blessed my family is! I wonder if it has anything to do with being raised catholic. My grandparents have 12 kids, and we’re on the smaller side with my parents only having three (in comparison to six, eight, and four/six of my mom’s siblings).
Such a great point. I am certainly blessed by stories of redemption and restored marriages. But I also would like to hear more about those that “do it well”.
I think one of the reasons we don’t hear much about that kind of marriage is that couples with that kind of marriage may be reluctant to share due to concern about what others may say/think. The fact is that even great marriages are nowhere close to perfect and some may feel reluctant to talk about their great marriage knowing the struggles they go through every day.
And, unfortunately, so many these days seem to get much joy from finding and pointing out those faults/struggles. I believe many work hard to avoid dealing with that possibility, much like potentially great candidates for political office avoid running, because naysayers are always looking for that 1% fault while ignoring the 99% great.
As for me, my marriage of 18+ years is great because my wife is so great. I often suck as a husband, but she is always the epitome of what a man needs as a wife and lifelong partner. Maybe I do need to write more about that. Thanks for the idea.
Been married almost 27 years. Incredible. One of my favorite topics to preach. But I think we are a little different. My wife is not a big fan of doing things with other women. Yes, an occasional lunch, coffee, and she does lead a Bible study, but we like our times together. We like to hang out with couples. Companionship for ‘us’ is huge. Walking, camping, traveling, and tennis. No drama though. Just years fun, love, great memories, five kids, and more regular stuff.
I think my wife and i would agree that our marriage is doing a lot of things right and that we need to continue to lean into Jesus to improve in a few areas… I don’t think anyone out there could safely say, “Look at us… we’re the model to follow!” but I do believe my wife and I have some things that we’ve learned from Christ that we hope others can be inspired by as well. Paul even said, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ….” So I believe, just as you said here Los, that we need to observe the marriages around us that reek of Jesus’ passionate and selfless love, and copy them, while leaving out the parts that don’t fit for our specific marriage… because what works for one may not work for another, but I can look at a couple who is excelling at showing affection and make that work in my marriage in a way that expresses our collective uniqueness.
Anyway dude I love your line of thinking with this post. Focus on the positive! Stop trying not to fail, and start trying to glorify God in our marriages! Good word, bro
I fully agree that we need to learn from those that are succeeding in their marriage. I just joined a friend of mine on a marriage blog talking about our struggles and our successes as young married couples. It is just getting started and adding new couples as he sees fit. The website is http://www.standtwogether.com. Lord willing this will help others as it is already helping my wife and I talk about more so we can start writing more as well.
Been married 21 years TODAY. No affairs. 10 kids.
Learned a lot about how selfish I am along the way. Also learned a lot about how to stop that before it starts.
There are no silver bullets, no magic spells to a good marriage, just a lot of love and patience and old-fashioned hard work. Get up every day and love your wife as Christ loved the church, giving Himself for her. Fail at that, ask for her forgiveness, and get up the next day and try again.
Carlos – Amber and I have made a practice of studying good marriages (kind of like studying good wine). Tops on our list are David and Laura McDaniel and Jeff and Wendy Henderson.
This is an awesome post!
First off..TODAY September 2nd is our wedding anniversary! So glad and blessed to be sharing life with a man who loves God and wants to honor him. We have lived a lot of life in 4 years. That feels like a drop in the bucket compared to my parents’ 43rd celebrated last month. BUT, every year is a miracle. We COULD have been sideswiped by betrayal, infidelity, addiction and ultimately divorce but we are walking faithfully with the Lord and staying crazy accountable. I am looking forward to reading these blogs from others who are thriving in their marriages.
Ok – so you have a good marriage Los – and I know you think your wife is a hottie, and I know you love your kids, and I know you guys have a lot of fun together… I am newly married (w/in two years)… what helps us newly marrieds is to know things like, “how do you get through disagreements?” “how does prayer happen in your marriage?” “how do you create a ‘team’ instead of just being two folks?” “what happens when one of you wants to drive a swagger wagon and the other wants to drive a sports car?” just kidding… and all that jazz…
so if you and your sweet wife want to go first, I’ll retweet the heck out of it
BTW – how did the Monday prayer and praise go? Thanks for praying for mine and my sweetie’s marriage – it has made a difference. God has done some Eph 3.20 things this week!!
I don’t think people write about their own good marriages because they’re worried it would come across as egotistical. Bragging about God turning around your failure doesn’t seem to come across as bragging as much because it is easier to say “God did that.” Whereas if someone has had a strong marriage with no failures then it seems like they are saying “look how good we are.” So maybe we need to change our perception of the motives behind people saying positive things about themselves or their marriages.
100000 Amen’s
I write scared to say that my marriage is good. Here’s what I know, there is huge room for improvements in my relationship. Always be wary.
Key for me. Realizing I am very selfish and prideful.
I think Eldrege wrote something to the fact that God uses attraction, lust, sex, and the fact that someone may actually like you for who you are to lure you into a marriage so you can learn just how broken you are.
Trey Morgan: http://treymorgan.net
Trey is a preacher who writes about his blessed marriage of 22 years and gives great wisdom & advice on how to have and maintain a healthy marriage. Trust me, you will be blessed!!
My husband and I are 33 and 31 respectively and we’ve been married almost 11 years now. I don’t really have one huge thing that I think has made it work so well – I think it’s just continuing to enjoy the day-to-day things together that keeps the marriage alive. Ironically, the mundane in life is the glue for us that allows for the big, amazing moments.
Looking forward to another 60 years together…
I write a lot about my own marriage. From my perspective, even when life or circumstances can be exhausting or frustrating or just plain wrong, we are never the issue. We’ve been together for 12 years.
But I admit, my greatest example in marriage is my parents. They’ve been married nearly 36 years and were high school sweethearts. I firmly believe that one of the main reasons my husband and I have such a strong marriage is because of my parents – their example, their wisdom, their life is constantly before us, showing us what TO DO instead of just what NOT to do (which we have seen a lot of as well.) Here is one post I wrote about them. http://www.emergingmummy.com/2010/06/in-which-marrige-not-my-own-taught-me.html They taught me the joy of covenant.
Great topic. I couldn’t’ agree more. In a way, it’s like Donald Miller’s “Million Miles in a Thousand Years” premise – a good story is inspiring, the world easily looks at it in wonder.
Honestly, I’m so cynical about church these days that when I do read a “great Christian marriage” story, I immediately wonder what’s being hidden.
Sad but true.
Limiting God in a HUGE way
I WISH I could limit God, I would be a much less damaged person.
My great-aunt and great-uncle’s 59-year marriage just ended two days ago. It was full of devotion, and love, and joy, and it ended in the same way; it ended the way I pray mine will. You can read a short testimony to it here: http://tamaraoutloud.wordpress.com/2010/08/31/in-memoriam-j-b-s/
I really enjoy this blog; this reply is not on topic. Los you often use the word “at” to end sentences. The word “at” is a preposition. Prepositions are used to begin prepositional phrases, e.g. to the store, across the road, at my house. Prepositions are not used to finish sentences. Thanks.
/grammar rant over
hahahahahahahhaha.
At.
I have lived both sides. My first marriage ended when my husband chose to pursue a relationship outside of our marriage. The betrayal and rejection of that breakup was one of the toughest things I’ve ever walked through.
And in all of it, God was working. Afterall, He wouldn’t be called a Redeemer if He had nothing to redeem.
I have now been married to the amazing Stephen Hendrix for almost 10 years. I’ve always said I wouldn’t speak on marriage topics until I’ve been happily married for at least a decade, so perhaps that time is coming soon. We’ll see.
And, I have to add, receiving premarital counseling before we were ever even engaged was HUGE for us. I don’t think it’s premarital counseling that needs to be done away with at all. I caution you in making that a blanket statement. I think it’s the KIND of premarital counseling that is the issue. Additionally, having other healthy couples in our lives who have been married longer and stronger helps us as well.
Blessings Los!
It was blanket…
I just think the fact that churches require that and not post is crazy.
AND I think post marital counseling is 10000 times more effective than pre.
I agree that post- is more effective, (since the vows have been taken and marriage has become real life), but it doesn’t mean pre- is unneccessary.
Making plans by seeking wise counsel is a biblical principle. The pre-marital counselor my hubby and I worked with, who has also walked with us through some very dark and painful times since the wedding day, said to us, “My job is to show you all the reasons you might not be ready for marriage. If you are, you’ll go into marriage better prepared, because once the vows are taken, the client is the marriage itself.”
I can only speak for myself, and the many couples we walk through life with through both sides of the altar.
In a day when most people don’t have a clue what a healthy marriage ought to look like (because mom and dad didn’t have one either), it is vital to have wise counsel both before and after. As a counselor, my husband deals with this reality every day.
The irony about this post for me is today is our anniversary =)
I have been married to my best friend for four years, and we have lived a lifetime of up’s and downs in those 4 years. People look at us and think we are the perfect couple, and lately I have realized … we are. I do not have to be embarrassed and say oh, no way … I am proud of it.
We are different, we are not all-American … we are who we are. And I love it. Every crazy, silly, mixed up minute of it.
you can click my name or:
http://mrskristinclark@blogspot.com
My husband and I have only been married a little less than 2 years, but I feel like we have an amazing marriage. Our blog is about everything, but I do talk about our marriage and our lives.
http://ourfamilye.wordpress.com/
We have had SO many awesome influences. My parents have an incredible marriage–it’s by no means perfect, but they’ve shown me my entire life what it means to love someone. They also talked with us and shared a lot of wisdom before we got married.
My grandparents (on my mom’s side) are still madly in love with each other. They hold hands when they’re out in public, and it just melts my heart.
I was in a leadership training program the year before we got married, and there were so many incredible couples who loved to pour into us and help us to see what a godly marriage looks like.
We pray every day that God will continue to draw us closer to Himself and to each other.
We have a great marriage, but let me say this clearly…
God
Did
It
Just because neither one of had has chosen the road to an all out affair, I’d say that had we nit relied on God this ship woulda sunk. There is no boasting in what we have done other than high tail it to Jesus!
I don’t really blog about my marriage, but my wife and I have an awesome marriage. Even though there are no major glaring issues in our marriage at this point, we decided to pursue marriage counsiling to make it even better before our baby boy is born.
My parents have been married for 34 years, my grandparents are celebrating their 60th this December. I know I have a great heritage. My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years. It’s WAY harder than I ever thought it would be. But, I’m counting on God to help us make it.
Mike & I will celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary this December. We’ve got an amazing marriage because God has always & ultimately been our primary focus. We believe strongly, and encourage our sons – 19, 17, 15 and a 21mth old (not yet, for him though), to seek a partner that is seeking after God first. To respect their personal relationships with God & they’ll not go wrong. My marriage is also amazing b/c we got married very young, I was 17 & he was 22, but that’s a story in itself. I am a product of a very chaotic childhood & he came from a very Ozzie & Harriet kind of home – traditional. So, we’ve had to overcome a lot of statistics this world’s system has thrown @ us.
I can say today, more than ever, that not only do I love, respect, cherish & admire my hubby, but I also like him. Ppl will always laugh when I say this, but it’s true. I like everything about him, especially his friendship, patience & honesty w/me. He is a calm & relaxed kind of guy. He’s the lone ranger – nothing fazes him. Me, well, I’m the opposite – TOTAL opposite. I’m opinionated & lack a filtration system (that means I put my foot in my mouth ALL the time, sometimes, even both). I’m a strong woman & have had to be from about 7 years old. So, submitting to a man was never my thing. I’ve come to understand that surrending myself to a Godly man, who respects my opinions (even though we don’t always agree), honors me in every way and patiently leads our home has been the key. See, if I know that his relationship with God is strong, I don’t fear.
Here is a couple in my church this is blogging their marriage journey.
http://www.marlonandsyreeta.com/
I am not going to blog about my marriage. (I blog about books and don’t really want to blog about marriage.)
But we are starting a small group for newly married couples (less than 2 years) because I agree with you. Marriage happens best when we have some positive models. Our marriage is not perfect, but after 13 years, I think it is pretty good. The church needs to be about marriage before, during and, if absolutely necessarily, after.
Buckhead started at least 12 newly married small groups this past week (not sure the final count). There were more people that wanted to be in them than there were leaders. We were shooting for 4 or 5 couples plus leaders and ended up with 7 plus us. And I know there were more couples that just didn’t get into a group. Personally I love blogs, but I would rather people get in a small group or in a marriage mentoring than read a blog.
http://www.ourmarriageproject.com – we had a secret surprise wedding and committed to blogging about marriage every day for the first year of our nuptials together. I don’t know if it’s good or not but it’s honest, it’s us, it’s our story, and trust me, we’ve learned more from writing it than anyone has from reading it.
During our first year of marriage my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Within two days of the onset of pain, he had surgery to remove the tumor (and testicle). The teste was removed through his abdomen, so they had to give him a hernia, remove the ball, fix the hernia, and sew him back up again.
My favorite time in our marriage was the week we spent dealing with the diagnoses and its aftermath. He was healing from surgery and I waited on him hand and foot. He couldn’t even pull up his own pants, much less walk to the bathroom unassisted. We spent the entire week on the couch watching TV, cuddling, talking, crying. I picked up our lunch, his prescriptions, the mail. I did it gladly and willingly. I promised to love him in sickness and health, and while it might have made him uncomfortable for the first few minutes (he is used to being the provider; he likes taking care of me), we reversed roles for about two weeks. He was the taker, and I was the giver.
I fully believe our marriage is stronger because of what happened to him. Cancer at thirty-one is scary enough; getting cancer as a newlywed… Well. It sucks. But we were drawn closer together because of it, so it was the perfect example of how God can use any situation for good.
I really enjoyed your post. This is the first time I’ve ever read your blog, and I’ll continue to do so. Thanks for writing!
My husband and I have been happily married for 9-1/2 years. We’ve been together since we were 17-years-old & got married at 20-years-old. We have 4 children, ages 6 & under and things can get stressfull. It hasn’t always been easy, but we try to learn from those rough patches. Recently we met with a young engaged couple & it reminded me of how happy I am to be married to my husband. I follow a lot of people who have had affairs & God restored their marriage. The stories are interesting & encouraging, but it always makes me feel like my marriage is boring in comparison. Ironic, no? Here’s a post a wrote last week after meeting with that young couple.
http://melissabrotherton.com/2010/08/26/lucky/
Los … my husband and I have an AWESOME marriage. After 13 1/2 years, and an almost 6 yo Princess … it’s been rough, but God has blessed our relationship, our family, and us individually. We have faced both of us working to the point that we only saw each other for about 45 minutes a day (he worked nights, I worked 8-5, went to school fulltime, and was a FT intern at a different church than the one I got paid to work for). We had a horrific pregnancy with our almost 6 yo Princess (who turned out to be as healthy as she could be!). I had back pain beyond belief, which needed surgery to correct, then found out I had cancer. To be completely transparent, I believe (as does my husband) that the journey through cancer sealed our relationship solid. Even though we were both angrier than we have ever been at LIFE, we held on to each other for support. After serving in an unhealthy church staff situation together, well, the bond grew that much closer together. And today, we are living exactly where God needs us … we weathered the last 6 years of life together as a 3-some and God is gives us new blessings each day.
As for pre-marital/en-marital/post-marital counseling … I believe all 3 have their place to keep a marriage healthy. I think the best premarital advice we were given was to seek God first with our problems. And each time we have come into a problem, we have sought God’s advice first, and He has always given us the answer, whether through a person or a circumstance.
I think you and HEather are doing exactly what you need to do for God at this moment in time. I heard this somewhere (and no, I can’t remember where), and it is the best marital advice EVER:
If you aren’t putting your spouse first in your life, you
aren’t honoring God.
In all of the talk of putting God first in your life, many people have misunderstood the concept of what a marriage and a family means to God. People think that if they are working their @#$# off to get to where they THINK God wants them, that is honoring God. The problem is that while they are working toward that goal, their relationships are suffering. Putting your spouse first means honoring the relationship you have with that person. Giving that person time (notice I didn’t say gifts) is the most important thing. Praying with your spouse (yep, still working on that one myself). Making sure that your spouse has everything covered in his or her life (which includes helping with meals, laundry, housecleaning, work projects, etc). Marriage is a 100/100 ratio. Each person has to do their part to make the marriage work. And typically, if the marriage is good, the family is good. And if the marriage and family are good … God will bless everything else in your life. And if all of that is going the way God intends, an affair will not even be on the radar for either person in the relationship.
Sorry for the long comment. This issue hits close to me right now because some very good friends of ours are experiencing issues with this very subject (not the affair part). I pray each day they will both see the light, so to speak.
Hey, Carlyn… i know you
xoxo, the figs
Okay I have decided to answer the call and challenge you have thrown out.
I would like to announce today that I have started a new blog:
http://www.thoughtsonmarriagefromaguythatissingle.com
It has a right to it.
My first post will be about how hot my wife is, well not my wife but how you are suppose to put in your bio on twitter and facebook how hot your spouse is.
It feels odd to say it, but I think I have a great marriage and I think there are at least 3 reasons.
1. God’s grace and protection. I pray the same simple prayer almost every day – God please protect me from making any devastating mistakes and help me learn from the mistakes I make.
2. Marriage requires work and I have had to work hard at it. Little effort equals little reward. Great effort equals great reward.
3. My wife is truly amazing. I can’t believe that I could con anyone to marrying me in the first place and if you could see what she has to put up with on a daily basis you would be shocked that she has stayed with me for 21 years.
Here are a few posts I have written about marriage if you’re interested.
http://bob.blogs.com/bob_thoughts/2009/06/tips-for-a-great-marriage.html
http://bob.blogs.com/bob_thoughts/2010/06/marriage.html
http://bob.blogs.com/bob_thoughts/2009/10/marriage-help-consistent-and-persistent-.html
My parents just celebrated their 36th anniversary. My dad wrote a post about how they got there. Not a blog about marriage but a great post about 36 years of marriage from a guy who’s been a great example for me:
http://faithfootprint.com/?p=135
I have an amazing marriage, because I have an incredible wife. And my wife would say she has an amazing marriage because of a great husband.
And that’s what it’s all about – putting your spouse above yourself and trusting God that your needs will be met.
Two that I really like:
http://tiredsupergirl.blogspot.com/
http://tonywoodlief.com/
Hope you like them.
My husband and I have been married for 16 years this September 18th. We have a great marriage. I could never have imagined we would be this much more in love after so many years. We have a wonderful love story that is not a typical church-marriage type story but it’s one the illustrated God grace and mercy.
I think my wife and I have an amazing marriage, but then again, I may be biased. We’ll celebrate our 10th anniversary in exactly 1 week. Last year was pretty cool, as our 9th anniversary was on 9/9/09.
Anyway, it hasn’t always been easy…we have our fights, but then everybody does. We’ve had small issues and big issues. Our most recent big issue was battling through infertility. If you haven’t ever had to deal with that, let me tell you, it’s hard. Having to live while those around you are “accidentally” achieving something that you are putting a mountain of effort into, and yet failing at, is monumentally difficult. But we made it through by being patient and understanding with each other. Neither of us wanted this to happen to us, so it really wasn’t the fault of either of us. Just something through which God decided to strengthen us.
I think a large part of a good marriage happens before the ceremony. You’ve got to actually LIKE the person you’re considering marrying. It’s not enough to be physically attracted to them (although, I admit, that doesn’t hurt), or that your friends think she’s really hot or he’s an awesome catch. You have to like each other. You have to want to spend time with each other.
I’ll explain it this way…I can’t point to one reason why I love my wife. It’s not because she’s beautiful…although she is. Because if something were to happen (God forbid) and she were disfigured in some way, I would not love her any less. It’s not because she’s smart…although she is, because if she were to suffer (God forbid) as stroke or some disease that robbed her of her intellect, I would not love her any less. There isn’t one reason why our marriage works. There are many. But the biggest one is this…God chose her for me because she is my perfect compliment. Like peanut butter and chocolate. Two great tastes that taste great together…hehe.
But it isn’t easy. You have to work at it. Spend time to get to know your spouse. Find out what he or she really likes, then go out of your way to do that thing for them, or make them feel that way. In short (too late) do what God tells us to do, and put someone else’s (your spouse)welfare before your own.
Doc
No blog, but an amazing marriage! I do suppose that is more important isn’t it:-) 30 years this coming March. Two grown kids, both walking with the Lord and one is married to a wonderful young woman. We have adopted two little guys and are now doing the parenting thing all over again, but this time with a little more weight on our hips and a few more gray hairs on our heads. We may not all blog about it, but there are alot of us out there – only by the Grace of God!
My husband totally lives out 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. He truly is patient, kind, and humble. He is not rude or easily angered. He is also very wise. Above all of these things, he’s also a mighty warrior of God.
Additionally, he’s also a completely recovered porn addict. Thanks to God, we no longer struggle with the pain of an affair or anything like that at all. God is so awesome. Without God, we wouldn’t be married anymore.
My husband and I will have been married for 5 years in November! We also have 2 sweet little boys
We got pregnant before we got married and went through a lot of things (not caused by us) that tried to rip our family/marriage apart–the odds seemed against us…but I am happy to say that we love each other more now than ever and we have a STRONG, HEALTHY AND LOVING marriage and are currently getting our life back on track spiritually (for ourselves and our children)
So thankful for my wonderful marriage!
so awesome to see so many amazing marriages!
I’ve only been married 4 years, and I don’t have it figured out, but I do have a few things that are crucial to us that I thought I’d share:
FROM PETE SCAZZERO: my wife and I bring our own crap into the marriage, and our own family traditions. But as Christians, we come to the table conciously forgetting about how her family or my family do things, and do things as one who’s a member of the FAMILY OF GOD would do them.
PLAY TO EACH OTHER’S STRENGTHS: I’m good at goal setting and financial planning, she’s good at executing. We used to have one person handle the money, and it was a wreck. Now, I plan, and she executes. It’s amazing. And since a majority of marital fights are about money, we eliminate a majority of our fights.
51% rule- there are a million different opinions on where man should stand in relation to women- to the side, over, under, equal…. we try to think of our marriage as a partnership on a journey, but when we get to the decision point and CAN’T agree on something, the man get’s 1% more leadership than the woman. I’m not saying it’s right for everyone, it just works for us.
Love is a choice to make a commitment, not a feeling. people ‘fall out of love’ so easily and wuss out before God has the chance to show what an amazing journey life can be with a committed partner with a mutual unconditional love.
And finally, both our parents are still married, and great examples to us. Our marriages set the pace for our kids. If you’re a child of divorce, be the change! Your kids need you!
Spent 30 years with an amazing woman and before she surrendered to God’s & will went home two years ago she asked for His favor and picked out my next wife. We’ve been married almost 18 months and have been supernaturally blessed and are blessing the stuffing out of everyone who will listen to us tell the story of the wonderful love of God and His obedient and selfless child for us.
Marriage is hard work, but glorious work. That is my mantra.
One thing I never question in my husband is his loyalty. He is a man who’s weathered storm after storm with me–my cancers (3 times), ectopic pregnancy, lupus, failed businesses, tight finances… He never fails to tell me he loves me and make me laugh every. single. day. We talk, we ask questions of each other, we fight, we make up, we are committed to Jesus first and then one another and our children.
14 years later, I’m more in love than I ever was when we were fresh out of college and saying “I do”. It’s like the Train lyrics–”you wear white and I’ll wear out the words I love you.” Marriage is about many things, but it’s about knowing and being known. I can bare my heart and soul to him and know that even when it’s ugly, he will love me still and point me to Christ. I am so very, very blessed.
To God alone be the glory.
http://www.springofjoy.org/the_library/getaway
We have a great story and great marriage. You are so right, all we hear about are the bad ones. Maybe I should be blogging about that more than just about the kiddos!
Http://www.thelittlegreenfamily.blogspot.com
Wow. Your post kind of hurt my heart in a way. See. I’m in a young marriage that has already been compromised by infidelity.
First, I don’t think the attraction to stories about affairs is for entertainment value. Maybe my believing this just comes out of my deep sorrow and pain, but I want to think that people are attracted to these stories because they can understand, they can sympathize. Like I said, I’m in a young marriage, 3 years in December, but for the first 2.5 years I suffered in silence. I’m glad that Christians are talking about their affairs. I was so afraid to deal with anything because (I believed) that not only would people (in the Christian community especially) judge my husband, but judge me. And think, why did you ever get in that marriage?
My husband and I just got back a few weeks ago from a weekend-long seminar for couples in marriages affected by infidelity (affairs or addiction). One of the things the speaker and the mentor couple emphasized is that if a marriage recovers from infidelity, those can be the strongest marriages. People will ask them how they have such a good marriage and they will say, you don’t want to go through the pain to get to where we are. My husband is recovering and I’m slowly working on it too. Most days I have hope that God can restore our marriage.
I know this is going to sound totally selfish and cynical, but the last thing I need or want right now is to hear or read more stories of perfect marriages, of the ones that “work” and “avoid infidelity.” I don’t believe that men and women CAN avoid infidelity, without them surrendering to the work God is doing in their lives. And what qualifies as an AMAZING marriage? I feel like a lot of my shame that I feel about being in my broken marriage comes from seeing those amazing marriages in my circle of friends, and in my church.
Maybe I’ve completely misread what you’re saying and you do want to hear about the marriages that are working but have gone through really tough times? My parents and other mentors told me many times before I married that marriage is so HARD and a lot of WORK. I thought I knew what that meant, but I sure didn’t. Maybe you’ll start hearing stories of “amazing marriages” (and I have to admit that I didn’t read any of the 95 or so comments before mine), but if any of them don’t attribute their success to God, I think they’re bs’ing you–because mankind is screwed up. And, for me, any story that doesn’t attribute God, says that things are amazing, says that most everything works, etc, is damaging. Because it gives us unhealthy expectations.
I apologize if I am in any way misrepresenting any of the above stories about amazing marriages, or misunderstanding your post about wanting to hear about them and not wanting to hear about the broken ones. I’m obviously broken right now and reading your post made my chest tight and brought out some strong emotions. What I heard you say is that people wouldn’t want to hear the story of my marriage because it will be about what doesn’t work, and what to avoid, and how it was almost wrecked by infidelity. Or they will want to hear it for entertainment value–their lives will never be that much of a train-wreck…
I pray that my husband and I make it through this rough time and can have one of those “amazing marriages”.
I pray that in 5 years, and 20 years, and 50 years: Our story won’t be one about what not to do, or what doesn’t work. It will be a story of an “amazing marriage” that does work despite being compromised by infidelity. I pray that it will be a story about trusting God. I pray that it will be a story about recovery, restoration, and healing. It will be a story about what to do, and who to trust. And hopefully God can use our story for His glory.
Good words.
But listen…
If the only way to grow in our marriages is to look at those who have failed…We are in trouble.
Suffering is inevitable.
But if we do not start to look for marriages that are amazing and study those in order to help our broken ones then we are in trouble.
Read the post again.
I think you will see it’s true point.
Who are you to say it’s a failure? I’m still married! Your friends who have made it through infidelity are still married! God restored those marriages and I pray he will restore mine.
I realize that my not wanting to read about those “amazing” marriages right now is me completely speaking out of pain. I get that. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it, and hopefully in the future, hearing about people who have done it “RIGHT” won’t be such a trigger for me.
But here’s the thing. God is working in my marriage right now and in my life. HOW IS THAT A FAILURE?!?!?
Yes, my marriage has been deeply affected by sin. My guess is that yours has too, and that every single other marriage has been affected by sin. We’re ALL failures. EVERY marriage is a failure if that is your standard of defining success and failure. Maybe God has blessed some marriages with less “failure” than others and I completely appreciate that we can learn from those. How I don’t wish that a Christian couple with an “amazing” marriage and a few more years under their belt would swoop in and mentor my husband and I?
I am totally not one to engage in debates like this. I don’t usually join the discussion–it makes me nauseous–but this is a topic that hits close to home.
Why is it considered vain to say that you have a great marriage? I was almost tempted not to respond to your plea for people to speak up for their great marriages b/c it would sound cocky. But YES… my name is Bethany and I have an AMAZING marriage. We seek God in all things together, we support and communicate with each other, we are completely opposites in most things which blesses and prunes us daily! We have had some major whammies in our journey but b/c of the deeply rooted characteristics God has placed in us, we are stronger than ever. I look around at the marriage casualties we are surrounded by and cringe that the majority of people that are married, don’t get to experience what I have with my husband. I am blessed.
Phew…that felt good to say out loud.
I have been so incredibly blessed by the marriages that are in my life. I am an almost 20 year old that is a lover of love. I absolutely can not wait to get married. I’m obsessed with the beauty of marriage and what it can accomplish for the Kingdom when two people come together as one unified for the glorification of Christ. I also do not have a boyfriend, fiance, or any thing that would signify that I will be getting married anytime soon. However, I have faith that my husband will come into my life when God desires. And I also have faith that my marriage with my husband will shake this nation for the Kingdom.
But my grandparents have been married for 50 years- and still are sappy and cheesily in love. He still writes her little roses are red violets are blue do you know that i love you poems. I promise- just saw one hanging by a magnet on their fridge. Adorable. One of my favorite things is to watch Pappy come in and them to hug and kiss and be in love. They are adorable.
My parents have been married for 26 maybe 27 years… and I have learned the “never say divorice” rule from them. It is never an option. And i have also never heard them yell at each other. My dad placed that rule after he proposed. That they would never ever yell at each other. And it’s amazing to grow up in a home where I never see my parents fight. They stick by each other. They work as a team. And they never leave the other one. Ever.
All of my aunts and uncles are in love and have been for over 15+ years.
Thank you Jesus for these marriage models that I get to take advice from and watch their love flame every day!
Three simple answers in my opinion…Laugh a lot, Forgive quickly and Repent often…to God and your spouse.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and going strong! It’s not always peachy…but we love each other more today than we did when we got married. Having served on church staffs together for 7 of the 8 years…we saw A LOT of junk in regards to marriage. Heartbreaking. We recently planted our church and completed the adoption of our son from Taiwan this year…even in the midst of all of these new big things, God has given us the grace to push through and has allowed our love to grow.
We have a silly saying in our home: “It’s not me…it’s WE. It’s not I…it’s US.” We remind ourselves often that we are stronger and better together than apart. Cheesy…but it works for us.
Love my marriage. Consider myself one of the luckiest women alive, and my husband says he feels that he is the luckiest man. I have no secrets. Just that we DO fight (we fight well, or make up well), we are honest, we are goofy, we have dreams and goals, we forgive often, we don’t dredge up our mistakes. We work through our issues together or in counseling. Sometimes we suck, but then we move on.
I am pretty darn sure I have the coolest marriage on the planet. Feel free to disagree.
Oh, and my husband is sexy.
My parents have an amazing marriage. In March of 2011 they will have been married 30 years. It is amazing to see them still in love and caring about each other after all this time.
I know that it has been a product of sacrifice, hard work and endurance for both of them. It’s inspired me as their daughter that marriage is worth what you put into it. It’s not always been easy, the Lord’s taken our family through some difficult circumstances but I know that my parents have faced those together.
They’re a huge example to their children and the church they work in to continue in the Lord – not only as individuals but as a couple. I can only hope be such a blessing in my own marriage, to my spouse (whenever that happens).
I am lucky enough to have a great friend (who is my dads age) that lives out what a God honoring marriage is supposed to be. Submissive to each other. Always putting Christ first. Never stops learning, sharing, or having fun. I am blessed to call Tom and Becky Ditto “friends”.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and we’re very much a work in progress, but we went into our marriage with great hope and expectation because of our shared faith in Christ and also because we have amazing parents who have modeled it so well…
So, in answer to your question, my parents, Jane and Bradley Brown have been married for 35 years, and my husband’s parents, Clark and Nancy Williams who have been married for 34 years. I pray my husband and I will continue to share the friendship, partnership, love and faith they have.
Our ten year anniversary was in July. At the moment, I would say we have a great marriage. Has it always been great? HECK NO! As a matter of fact, we got married because we “had to”. Neither of us thought it would last. In retrospect, I’m not sure why we went through with it. We were ill-suited. I was passive-aggresive, and he was neglectful. He said hurtful things, and my anger and resentment grew. I began to dream of divorce. We were also unequally yolked spirtiually. No one had an affair; however, I was deeply dissatified with my life and my marriage. Marriage is forever and this was not what I had planned for the rest of my life. I’m not a big believer in divorce; there is very little of it in any of my family, nuclear or otherwise and so I stayed. Along the way, I began to pray that God would soften his heart towards me and that my anger towards him would fade. I prayed the God would make the wife he needed, and he would become the husband I could love forever.
God answered both prayers. It was a snap-your-fingers-and-there’s-magical-change kind of thing. It’s been gradual. My husband is now attentive, thoughtful, caring, affectionate, and God-centered . I am more thoughtful, less snappy, and more loving. I think about him, before I think of myself. It’s true what they say about putting the other person first. It does truly make a difference. I didn’t do that before, and neither did he.
I also make a conscious decision every morning that today I am going to love him, no matter what he says or does. God gave him to me to love. It’s my job. Sometimes jobs have easy days, sometimes not so easy days. I’m going to love him regardless. It’s what I was created to do. By loving him, I show him respect. I never speak ill of him to others. I don’t call him names or put him down. EVER. Not even during fights. I may not agree with something that he has said or done, but I will never berate him or make him feel less. He does the same for me.
Another thing that has worked wonders for our marriage is the Five Love Languages. That book truly taught me that it’s not about me; it’s about him. We treat the Love Languages kind of like a running joke. He scored high on Service. I scored high on Quality Time. He thinks I love him if I clean the house. I think he loves me if he sits down with me and watches a movie. He thinks dusting means I adore him. I think if he truly listens when I speak he’s adoring me. Now, we point it out. I’ll clean up after dinner, wink at him, and shout, “Service!” He’ll come up and slap my bottom while I’m doing dishes and shout, “Physical Touch!” It keeps us both cognizant of what we are doing to put the other one first. It also makes us laugh which is SO important for a relationship. We genuinely like each other and enjoy each other’s company.
Marriage is hard work, but SO, SO worth it.
it was *NOT* a snap your fingers magical kind of thing… BIG HUGE HONKING TYPO!
Ryan and I have a good start in Marriage!
This is really encouraging to read.
We got married November 7, 2009 at Calvary Chapel. I was 18( Nineteen Dec 20th) and him 19 already (Sept.). Now, before you’re make judgements
We were not expecting, we don’t PLAN ON expecting kids, we were both virgins, and his family supported us.
I will say that neither of our parents are still married to their first spouses. And my father most recently got divorced a third time and is already with another woman. >:(
BUTTT (like Carlos Says)
We have had several couples in our church to draw from who’s marriages have thrived and thrived and are still thriving. We look up to our youth pastor, who married us, in his marriage (expecting his 5th child) He writes about his family ALL THE TIME on this blog:
http://oneeightycc.blogspot.com/
Everyone says the odds of the world are against us, but if we watch the successful couples in our church, get accountability from the young married’s class Calvary offers, etc. I think we have God’s chance to have a long, great marriage.
Just celebrated my 23rd. It’s a little sappy but here’s my post to my husband that day!
http://www.melsquietthoughts.com/life/journey/happy-anniversary-sweet-michael
By the way, could you just disregard the picture!?
Ok. Tons of thoughts and opinions…
Here is my take away from your post:
As a whole we desperately need mentors, examples and ways to be PRO-active in building marriage. Too often we are RE-active. So much more needs to be said about how to build and strengthen marriage, and HONESTY about what that REALLY looks like. It’s not always easy. It’s not always pretty. Fights happen, tough conversations are had, pride must be swallowed, but it is SO worth it.
AND, while I’m at it…
Not to stand on a soap box or anything…(and I guess I should disclaim that these thoughts do not necessarily represent the thoughts of my employer, they are merely my own)
But…It seems as if the church, as a whole, would spend even 1/2 the time that we spend defending the position that marriage is between a man and a woman and put that effort into creating amazing marriages that the world would look at and crave…we’d actually have something to say and a voice that might get heard.
But too often we turn to the politics and forget that Jesus pretty much bypassed politics and brought about real change with God’s love.
Oh I know you’ve had 118 post but this one is the real thing… BUT you have got ot go back to the beginnin g of the journey. Ted died this spring after 60 years of marriage and ministry. Jo is writing and telling a beautiful love story in the process. There is not a week that doesn’t go by that I don’t read about these two. Pure inspiration for all of us.
http://tedandjostone.blogspot.com/
gotta read it Carlos. Have Heather there with you and some Kleenex.
Tina
From my perspective, there are TOO FEW books on affairs and infidelity. Stop by the Christian section at any BN or Borders, and you’ll see loads of books written on marriage by men, women, and couples in long-term, successful marriages.
On the other hand, there are only a few books from a Christian perspective on recovering from an affair. See a list of 6 here: http://www.amazon.com/Books-about-affairs-by-Christians/lm/1ZUEXZX3EEFM2
Los – as you know, that’s why I wrote my book. I’m not familiar with a SINGLE BOOK where someone simply tells their story so that others can see redemption against the backdrop of depravity.
Most marriage books don’t deal with the true depth of depravity that leads to an affair. Most marriage books are focused on communication, or there are books on sexuality (Every Man’s Battle) that basically tell you to “stop.” Not so helpful…it’s much deeper than that.
So, I say…WRITE MORE BOOKS ABOUT AFFAIRS AND INFIDELITY. It’s an epidemic in our culture that the Christian community is ignoring.
Here’s my take: http://bit.ly/97LrVK
Maybe the reason you can’t find the blogs on the “good marriages” is because the couples are not on the computer, blogging, tweeting, facebooking…they are paying attention to each other…(pot calling kettle black)
I have an excellent marriage
We’re coming up on 17 years next month and my husband is definitely my best friend and so much more.
I don’t write about it on my blog, but my close friends and I definitely have many talks about how to have a strong marriage.
For us, it’s come down to learning how to be unselfish. It’s kinda backwards, but when I really try to meet my hubby’s needs and put him first, he then meets mine. Or vice versa. It works! We’re not perfect of course, so saying sorry when we screw up is so important too. I LOVE being married!!
Russ and I are closing in on 34 years– and holy crap on a cracker, that’s a LONG TIME! We are still, and hopefully will always be, a work in progress. ‘Progress’ being the operative word here. It’s been the single hardest and the single best thing I’ve ever done.
I wrote this about a year and a half ago, and it still applies…
http://babybloomr.com/2009/02/13/my-valentine/
My parents. They have been married for 45 years. In the beginning, they hit a really rough patch and went to a pastor for counseling. He counseled them to get divorced. They said they were looking for help in staying together, not an excuse to split up. With hard work, counseling, and lots of prayer, they have been making it work for nearly half a century.
Their example is one I carry with me every day in my own marriage. 6 months after our wedding, my husband was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. Our 9 year anniversary is this month and we are still working hard at marriage ourselves. We know by experience that there are reasons for the vows we speak in marriage ceremonies. Having my husband’s diagnosis come so quickly after reciting “for better and for worse, in sickness and in health” really made an impact on me. In my heart I was reciting those words but thinking and hoping only for the better, health, richer parts.
I am so thankful for the example my parents and others set for us. I am not sure I could have endured these 9 years without such great examples of sticking together.
I believe people who have had affairs should tell their story if it can indeed help someone but i don’t believe that will benefit me. That’s like saying here’s what you don’t do. I think we need to focus on what to do. People who have had affairs can tell people what to do to be restored and find redemption and people who have strong marriages can help those who are married by sharing what they do that keeps their marriages strong. I have been married nearly 9 years and i’m still learning. To those just starting out one thing i would say is you need to learn to say no to yourself and yes to your spouse.
My wife and I just celebrated 25 years. We’re raising two Christian, well behaved, young men (not that I’m biased or anything). Both of our parents have been married 49 years. It’s happening, but like you say Los, no one is talking about that.
Right here buddy… SHMILY Times all the way!
http://homeschoolblogger.com/shmilytime/ (blog is being revamped… but I’m on facebook and women can join the SHMILY Times there as well).
Putting the spark back into marriages… christian marriages should be HOT!
I think my story and my marriage are pretty dang wonderful. I’ve been married to my best friend for going on 19 years. We have three kids, one with extensive special needs, and we’re still going strong. I love him to pieces, mostly because he makes me laugh so hard that I can’t catch my breath, but he’s also just a pretty swell guy.
Brian and I are successful because I know he is more tired than I, he’s funnier, smarter, a better parent, a better listener, a better cook, and is way more talented. He treats me EXACTLY the same way. It is and never in 13 years been a competition with us; it’s us against the world, never us against each other. I did write a blog about it…http://marymind.wordpress.com/2010/05/24/the-story-of-us/
Feb 12th 2011 it will be 30 yrs for my wife and I. We were not Christians when we first got married. We were two lost souls looking for something better than the single life we lead. We loved each other but it wasn’t until we accepted Christ that we really knew what love was. I must say though that it took us a while after we were saved to learn what love really is. I see her in a different light now and she does too. We are continuing to grow daily. If you ever are satisfied with the way things are, then you are heading in the wrong direction. Never be satisfied, there is always something you can do to make her feel more special than yesterday. If it doesn’t come natural that you want to make her feel special, then I believe you need to ask yourself why not.
My parents have been married for nearly 18 years now. I’ve never seen them fight, and every single day I see them love each other and me and my sisters. They pray for us every night, and my mom especially loves talking about her quiet time with us, as well as asking us about our own. I think the reason they can be such a godly couple is because they are 1.) following hard after Christ, 2.) they are surrounded by people with healthy marriages, and 3.) they don’t keep secrets from each other.
Because of the amazing marriage my parents have had, I know that in 10 years, I’ll be equipped to have on just like it (I know I’ll still have to work for it, but I feel like my parents have at least given me a road map to success).
Thanks, Mom and Daddy!
you have to forgive often, never quit, don’t expect your spouse to fill the role of God.
Blessed with 20 years and counting…still hold hands…plan to until I die. My wife is incredible…in ways I never realized would be so critical to our marriage and family.
Carlos, I love love love bragging about my marriage! I don’t take it lightly that I am so blessed! I write about our marriage and our family in my blog at http://www.hollybirdswords.blogspot.com
We’ve been married 17 years and are still honeymooning. oh yeah.. I mean that totally!
We work because our motto is always to outserve each other. We do premarital counseling with others, and we tell them that as well. Nothing better than knowing I’m going home to the one on earth who loves me best and most!
Holly~
Not sure I’ll be saying anything that hasn’t already been said but…my husband and I are working on our 19th year of marriage. And I can’t believe I’m old enough to be saying that.
We’ve been together though for 21 years. We met when I was 17 and he was 20. Got married at 19, had our first child two weeks shy of 21.
For us, we were blessed with a lot of support from our families and the different church bodies we’ve been a part of throughout the whole journey. I think the key is…1) faith in God 2) he truly is my best friend 3) realizing that I can’t expect him to be perfect but allow myself to be flawed 4) sex…lots of it and 5) not putting our kids first above each other. I realize that might sound a bit harsh…and I’m not saying that our children are not extremely important to us, BUT I’m not going to be living with my children the rest of my life. I’m going to be living with him…so he comes first.
There…rub my 2 cents together and you don’t get much but it works for us.
32 years and getting better! Be intentional in loving your wife. Don’t even think of failing. Be a giver in the partnership. Share in your spiritual, physical and mental challenges and successes. Blessings!
Los, I have been married for 4 years and I am so thankful for my husband. We have not experienced an affair but have cetainly experienced struggles. We are still together and relying on God’s faithfulness and our love for him to pull us through our tough times. My parents have been married for a loving 45 years and my husbands parents have been married lovingly for 41 years. I wanted to share that we have been mentored by a couple in our church. The couple that led our group have been married over 40 years and they are still stinking adorable. The many weeks spent in their home learning from them and being loved on by them has been one of the most encouraging blessings in our marriage. We went through the video/book titled “love and respect”. That material alone spurs on the joys of marriage. My parents SET THE TONE AND EXAMPLE OF A GODLY MARRIAGE. My husband and I are responsible to se the same for our child.
We’ve been married three years. It keeps getting better. Four things make up the glue that hold us together when things get rocky [learned from several couples MUCH older and wiser than us!]:
1) Live an open, honest life before each other.
2) Put the goals and interests of my spouse before my own.
3) Give and receive scriptural correction. When my husband is out of bounds, I pray through the proper way and time to bring it to his attention, gently and respectfully. I also ask God to help me respond with gratitude when he blows the whistle on me, because I have come to understand that correction [and the wisdom that results] is truly one of the greatest demonstrations of love possible. My husband’s willingness to put himself out there in order to help me get right with God and thus, live my life the BEST way, means more to me [and to US!] than flowers or compliments anyday.
4) Clear up our relationship when things get messy (as soon as I realize I have been hurt or have hurt him, I clear it up… I also offer forgiveness when asked).
Amazing what doing things God’s way will do for a relationship!
You have to check out the writing at The Run Amuck – she’s hosting a couple themes at her place, geared around the GOOD. Really good stuff here.
http://therunamuck.com/category/a-nightlight-for-young-women/lets-talk-about-sex/
What a good word. Paul said he was blameless despite being the chief sinner.
God’s power is manifested in a marriage that stands just as much a marriage that is rocked to the core.
This morning I interrupted my husband as he was rushing to get ready for work. I just wanted a kiss, but he pleaded! I’m late! I have to go!!!
No big deal.
So I dropped him off at the bus stop just as the bus was pulling out…and he leaped out the car. I drove off, thinking nothing of it…
An hour later, he emailed: When I left out of the truck to run for my Bus, I felt that I missed a hug and kiss. Now I wish that I had given you those few seconds. I realize how much it means to me, too. So from cyber space from a desk, deep from a heart that sits typing away I send HUGS and KISSES.
Moral of the story: Always kiss your wife when she asks, even if you are scrambling to find your socks and running to catch a bus!
I met my husband when he was a recent widower with an 8 month old baby daughter – in his senior year of seminary, pastoring a small rural church, and caring for his ailing mother.
I was just shy of turning 30 and had vowed I’d never get married, would never marry someone in the ministry (the guys at Bible school scared me!), would never marry someone who had been married before, would never marry someone with kids, and would never marry someone who had a parent living with them.
Yeah – oh well, so much for lists. God has the most amazing sense of humor – and pours out the most amazing and abundant grace.
I simply cannot imagine my life without the daily, faithful, consistent, amazing, grace-filled, love-motivated sweetness that he brings to my life.
I simply cannot fathom why God would deem to bless *me* with such a husband. I certainly have done nothing to merit the blessing of this husband who blesses me so profoundly.
We met face to face for the first time after months of correspondence – 11 days later were engaged – 3 months later married. We just celebrated 17 years since our engagement – in November we’ll celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary.
Calling him my best friend seems not substantial enough. He is literally the better part of my heart – a part that I certainly could not fathom living without!
I praise my God and King daily for blessing me so richly, when there is not a thing that I deserve – most assuredly not this amazing, sweet, kind, thoughtful, awesome man of God that I am blessed to be wed to!
Dina,
WOW, what a story, thanks for sharing it. And what about the baby daughter?
I love Courtney over at Women Living Well.
http://www.womenlivingwell-courtney.blogspot.com/
You’ve got me thinking now.
We’re all trying so hard to be humble that we have forgotten there is a time to admit, “I believe I TOO have the Spirit of God” like Paul did. No one wants to say, “We have a great marriage” just like no one wants to say, “We are great parents.” I may think it, but I don’t want to preach it. Particularly with our kids,
it seems so tenuous–like they may all be doing great today but tomorrow someone could come home addicted or pregnant or worse so then what would people think about my so-called insight? So we keep our techniques, our God-given wisdom and our stories to ourselves.
My husband has told me countless times I should be a counselor. But my response has always been, “I would have no idea what to tell other people…you made a foolish choice! You should’ve married the right one!” It’s like I believe it’s more about the initial choice than the day to day behavior within the marriage. But that’s stupid, isn’t it?
I’m supposed to lead a family ministry that includes sharing tips to parents and especially to dads. I’m realizing this is potentially a huge hurdle. Talking about the good ways of being a family instead of talking about “dealing with” the bad stuff.
Thank you for your post. I’m looking forward to more.
P.S. I have an incredibly fulfilling and happy marriage and I think I’m a pretty dang good mother most days.
These guys are one of my favorite couples in the world. What’s awesome is they’re a young couple whose marriage is just the sweetest thing. Their marriage makes other young people want to get married, rather than fear the commitment. THey’re at “Blogging Ever After.”
http://bloggingeverafter.wordpress.com
isn’t it interesting this was blogged about 2 years. it’s catching up.