Dad, I’m Gay
We see it on tv all the time. On talk shows, sitcoms, dramas, documentaries.
We always sigh and think…
“I’d handle it perfectly”.
The truth is, you have no idea how you would handle those words.
I try to imagine the hardest conversations of my life with my kids.
I imagine this one.
I imagine the pregnant one.
I imagine the I Don’t Believe In God one.
I imagine the I Want To Be On The Drill Team one. 
I try and imagine the first few sentences I would say.
So I ask you.
Your kid comes up to you at 15, 16, 25 and says…
“Dad, Mom, Just wanted you to know, I’m gay.”
You have one shot.
And the next few sentences out of your mouth are…
Los
RAIN IT DOWN
I (as one yet without children) would hope that the first thing out of my mouth and my heart is, “I love you.”
That is a great hope.
I love you. I accept you. You are not a mistake.
brilliant
This really is great. Alise, nailed it.
I love this one…winner.
“…..I know.” And then I will make him a sandwich, because food is my love language.
Brilliant.
agreed. show love and defuse the volatility of the situation with a sandwich. mmm. hungry.
Love this response.
Yea I was thinking something like a totally sarcastic, “So.”
A- rad username.
B- Amazing response. The fact that you instinctively believe that those words from your kid wouldn’t be a surprise says a lot about the kind of parent you are/will be. Kudos.
C- Don’t you mean “sammich?” I’m pretty sure that whenever it’s functioning as soul food, it must be pronounced that way.
It’s really easy to play the “love the sinner hate the sin” card and hold the scenario at a distance until a situation like this comes up. I think this is a great filter to pass through before we make bold, blanket statements towards homosexuality.
I wouldn’t know what to say other than I love you.
Thanks MAtt. Exactly why I am asking us to think first.
I love you, but more importantly Jesus loves you. Can we pray about it?
What would you pray?
Great response.
I’d pray that he/she be consoled during this time (I’m sure its been hard for them to hold it in). Pray that things be cleared up for them. I’d try to pray a prayer that wouldn’t make them close off and feel like I’m judging them. Is that even possible?
I have to believe it is possible. Pray for yourself as well, that God would show you how to meet their needs.
The exact words and actions might depend on my level of surprise.
Regardless, I hope I’d give them a big dad hug, kiss on the cheek, and say, “I love you just as much now as I ever have.”
Then perhaps I’d ask them about their journey.
I agree Jason.
hug & say i LOVE YOU simultaneously…….
So would that be a screamed I LOVE YOU since it’s in all caps?
That’s how us Irish hoodlums do it….
I can vouch for this. we yell a lot.
A LOT!!!!!
When I was 2 years old my parents divorced. 5 years old my mom told me that she was a lesbian. Growing up in the GLBT community was a different experience.
When I was 16, my dad told me he was gay… so now, both parents gay
I found Jesus at 16, but never stopped loving my parents. The only thing that has changed is that I pray for opportunities to tell them about Jesus.
My response to both my parents back then is the same response I have now “Mom, dad, I love you, and my biggest concern is that you follow Jesus. Once you do that, He will help you deal with everything else.”
I wish Christians would stop converting sexuality and start helping them follow Jesus.
Caleb. Could I do a skype interview with you?
Carlos
I would love to do a skype with you.
You can email me caleb@vvcc.org or DM me on Twitter: twitter.com/calebwilds and I will give you my cell
Wow – Caleb, amazing testimony. So much wisdom here. Los – thanks for asking the question!
This gives me so much clarity in my own situation.
Oh man I love this answer. When are we going to stop trying to fix them and start pointing them to the one who has the answers? Beautiful. And to think you’re not just saying this in answer to a hypothetical question but instead actually living it makes it even more beautiful.
I’m not sure how I would respond to the situation but hopefully like most of the comments that have been mentioned. But in my experience as a pastor, I find your story more common in my context than children telling parents. I’m not sure what that means or why but your response to them is great. Maybe a question for our kids (that are old enough to understand) would be, “How would you react if mom and dad split and told you they were gay?”
YES Caleb! I completely agree. I don’t know know the difficulties you must have faced growing up in this situation. All of us have different life situations. But one thing stands true and firm for eternity, and that is the Word of God. I encourage your boldness and faithfulness to seek opportunities to share Christ with your parents and to continually LOVE them. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
if the person claims jesus is there any point in the relationship that it’s ok to address sexuality and the bible?
That may be the wisest thing I’ve heard said. Ever.
This.
Caleb, thank you for what you shared. I wish you could come to my church and speak about your life and experiences. Wow…thank you!
Caleb,
Thanks for sharing. This so speaks to me. My mom has been a lesbian for almost 20 years. Recently, there have been some challenges. Great post. It is super helpful for me.
A-freaking-men!!!!
This is amazing! I have had gay friends since the age of 15. I have always had a heart for the struggles they have to face and more recently, I feel like God is calling me toward ministry with them. I just think it breaks God’s heart that they are told that He hates them and are unacceptable to Him — because that is not true! I want them to know how deeply He is in love with them!
1st, a parent probably already knows or has a feeling about it, so don’t give the I am shocked and devestated look, but give a hug, thank them for their honesty and move on, you are not going to change their mind… another big one is “I am a drug addict”..
True.
“OK, let’s talk about that.” I hope that whatever my children discover about themselves is something they feel they can talk about with me.
Amen.
I would tell them I love them, and never stop praying for them.
What would you pray?
I would hope to pray “that if they are a follower of the Way that they would lean into Jesus and his love, if they are not I would pray for them to open their hearts and their mind to their Father in heaven and his never ending love..I would pray for myself to do the same..
“I love you, and will always love you…that will never change.
We need to talk about what’s led you to this conclusion. I want to understand, and I want this to be something we can talk about honestly and safely. I have my feelings and beliefs about this, as you do, but I care more about your heart than about your sexuality.”
Los, have you seen Scotty Smith’s prayer for parents who have just found out their child is gay? http://t.co/NLYQ6uc
Greg. I love the way you wrote this.
I don’t believe a child can come to this conclusion without some level of confusion. I think what they need most in this moment from their parents is safety.
Greg – this response just blew me away! This brings truth to the situation.
Greg – Fantastic! So full of wisdom and grace. Reading some of these comments will definitely impact how I might handle this situation if it were to occur in my family. Thanks, Los!
I absolutely love this response!
Greg – O Wise One. You have hit the nail on the head. I think it’s SO important that kids can be honest with their parents. Everything else flows from that. And I love what you wrote about caring more about their heart than your sexuality…Thank you for sharing this with us.
I hope my response would be the same as my parents, when my older sister told them she was 22, single and pregnant (I was 15 at the time):
“I love you, and I’m here for you.”
yup
I would hope to reply with an “I love you”.
The way I see homosexuality is that it is a sin, like any other sin. Just like when I am being selfish about something, or lusting towards someone. It is all sin. We are all sinful. But we have strength and power to make it through these things in what Christ did for us.
I think keeping this in mind would help out a great deal. This way I would be able to see past the sin and love them through it. Like Christ loves me.
I have never really thought about this question, and since I am not a father I may not be the best to answer it. Great responses though.
What else can you do but love them? I mean, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but ultimately, my main concern would be that they’re a follower of Christ.
As a gay man who has talked about having kids with my partner, I wonder how different the conversation of “Dads, I’m gay,” would go. I know exactly what I would do after my child came out to me. I would hug him/her. Then, in typical me style, I would say, “So am I!” Then, on a more serious note, we would sit down and talk about the future things that scare him/her.
So Am I!!!
That is amazing.
QDub. Thanks for being part of this mess of a community
Been praying for the courage to have this conversation w my mom for a while now. Prayers would be appreciated.
which side of the conversation are you on?
Los, I’m on the side hoping my mom understands and doesn’t freak. I’ve had the conversation with several friends thus far and they’ve all been great. But this one’s different. She’s so proud of me, and this will break her heart.
that was a similar situation to mine. when i did tell my mom, she started crying, but only because she wanted me to tell her earlier in life. she basically said what everyone above posted and saw a movie
Praying for you. And, as a mom, I can say, I love my two sons unconditionally. This would not be the life I would choose for them because it can be so very hard, however, I would not stop loving them; I would not stop being there for them. You are still YOU; the little boy she watched grow up into the (young, I am assuming) man you are now. I am praying that even if she is shocked, she will see past that and realize you are still the son she treasures so very much! (I am replying with the assumption that you are the one making the announcement.) Either way, I would say just continue to be the son (and person) you have always been.
I’ve had a similar conversation with my parents, and it wasn’t by choice; Even with all I believe it was still hard for them. I pray that God will give you both wisdom in how you express your love toward each other. That you will find yourself aware of just how fully accepted and fully loved by God you are! That your parents will demonstrate His Love.
“I Love You.”
“Let’s pray.”
And then I would pray that God would give me words to speak and allow me to show my child exactly how much I love them by not going crazy on them…
I hope to cultivate a relationship with my children when I have them that would never allow a conversation like this to go unspoken of for any duration. I don’t want it to be this intense subject that has been hidden for a period of time, but something that is discussed openly.
and it best not be no text message.
“it best not be no text message”… *chuckle*
For information- my mum said “is that all?” and then went back to cleaning. My dad laughed and bought me lunch.
Holly. How did you feel about that response?
Was lunch good?
My dad already knew. He used to ask about boyfriends and girlfriends when I was a teenager which made it easier.
My mum was cleaning for my grandparents 50th anniversary party and I caught her when she was busy on purpose. I then convinced her something was wrong by ‘needing to talk to her’. I think she was relieved…
Wow, I am thinking that they had probably figured it out already. I am glad there was no negativity for you!
I would start with, “You know I love you and always will. I am so glad you told me, because I always want you to be able to tell me the difficult things.”
Then I would ask what led them to this conclusion and I would listen.
my 32 yr old brother who attends a church recently came out. we don’t live near each other and i haven’t had a chance to talk to him about…and i’m not sure what to say…
“I love you. You will always be my brother. I don’t know what to say just yet, but I’m ready to listen if you want to talk.”
thanks sasha….i hadn’t thought about that. my brother is an extremely private person, so something like that might be good. i’m afraid prying might push him away.
you know he sort of came out online, so we actually haven’t had a conversation about it.
what do you do when you know it’s out there but no one has said anything??
i was waiting for him to bring it up when he was ready, but i’m getting the feeling he may never bring it up.
Maybe he feels by putting in online he has brought it up. I am sure there are alot of fears behind announcing that. When you do talk to him, maybe you can just say that you saw his relationship status or however he worded it and that you are not sure exactly what to say but you are there for him and love him. If he wants to talk, he will; either way, you will have let him know you still love him and will be there, even if you don’t necessarily agree.
Inprogress, I had the same situation with my brother. I was about 99% sure he was gay and after months and months of analyzing it I just came out and asked. Honestly, I didn’t have the courage to ask directly so I emailed him. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done! He immediately called me back and said “let’s talk about it”. To this day, I am the only one in our family who knows. I love him no matter what and I pray for him consistently in that I know it must be burdensome to live 2 lives but I’m SO thankful we had that conversation.
You’re both in my prayers, and in my heart. Your love and acceptance is probably what he needs most right now. Coming out as an adult is *hard*.
Thats not what she said.
My hope is that my sons never have to tell me if they are gay. My hope is that we do a good enough job raising them that the conversation starts with “I like a boy, how do I find out if he likes me back?” rather than a “confession” about who the Big Guy built them to love. Straight children don’t have to come out, gay children shouldn’t have to either.
Sasha. Wow. Powerful
This was my favorite response thus far.
I would hope my conversations about my children’s sexuality would be a lot like the one Liam Neeson has with his stepson in Love Actually when he tells him he’s in love.
“Well, how does he? she? feel about you?”
That would be a better response then Liam Neeson in Taken. “Listen I don’t know who you are but if you don’t return my son/daughter I will kill you.”
Ha! Pure, unfiltered awesome.
I agree, great answer!
Awesome! If only that were so!
I love this response! I too hope that whenever my future children come to me to tell me anything and share all parts of who they are that it doesn’t come in the form of a “confession” but that they feel safe to be themselves from the start. And instead of holding something in for years that if they know at young age, as most gay people will tell you they always knew who they were, that they be that person always and live their truth with the love of those around them and be assured that God makes no mistakes. As Lady GaGa says, “I was born this way”
I absolutely agree. Just because people assume heterosexuality as the “default” doesn’t mean that it should be. Awesome response.
I must be behind in my understanding of God here. People here seem to be saying, without actually saying it, that the Big Guy created people as homosexuals. That’s the impression I’m getting. Is that true?
Yes. Absolutely. We do not choose who we love any more than we choose our hair color, our eye color. We are made this way the moment we are created.
Jesus loves us, just the way we are.
Yes. God created homosexuals as they are meant to be. Just as he created you as you are and created people of all colors and forms as they are. The true meaning of God is seeing past the outer shell and past peoples personal life choices and looking deeper and loving deeper WITHOUT judgement. Who a person loves and chooses to share their life with does not make them any less worthy of Gods love. There are plenty of people in this world who engage in unhealthy, abusive and “sinful” heterosexual relationships. Yet because one is female and the other male it isn’t held up to the same judgement.Two people of the same sex who love and respect eachother and follow the true teachings of God are no different than anyone else. True love can never be wrong and shouldn’t be seen as a sin simply because of what the outer shells look like.
I’m sorry Marisa and Sasha, but I’m still lost here. Jesus said the law would not pass away. The Apostle Paul said the law is good. I realize that as christians were are no longer judged by the law, Jesus having satisfied, with His own death, our certain death under the law, but are you saying that the sexual purity laws given to the Hebrews were not good? And that they have passed away along with the dietary laws, ala the vision given to Peter? Why would God “create” a homosexual and then tell His people to stone such a one to death? And I am not advocating we go back to that, God knows I should have been stoned to death long ago for my sins. I can accept that a person be a homosexual and be saved. I just don’t understand how one would not feel convicted for carrying on in a homosexual relationship. I feel guilty for smoking. Are you saying God created me to be a smoker? I can’t imagine it. Two scriptures come to mind: “I will kill those who kill the body” and “your body was purchased at a great price, honor God with your body”. Sorry if I bring you down with my Puritan ethos. I can’t even follow it myself, but I find these comments very, very confusing. And as I said originally I guess I do not understand God. The love part I get. God is love. I don’t feel it these days, but I know it’s true. What I don’t get is the loving someone to death.
This this this this this. I’ve been a little disheartened by all of the responses that would seek to ask the child how she or he came to that conclusion. I never had to justify why I thought boys were cute, or why I drooled over male celebrities, so why should someone who is gay have to do so? God creates us all as whole people, and I believe it’s an issue of those of us in the majority (heterosexuals) realizing that we are not the “norm” just because there are more of us. Thank you for your frank and honest response.
Agreed. As a little girl I was never asked to explain why I liked dolls and the color pink. if children are brought up to know they are loved as they are, this world would be a place full of acceptance.Through that acceptance and nonjudgement we would find that heterosexuals may not actually be the majority, if everyone felt safe to be themselves we’d probably find that it’s a bit more equal.
Are we not, Marisa, creating God in our own image? Instead of the image He gives us through scripture? I notice no one is using scripture on this blog. I find that very odd. Like we are making stuff up as we go.
I think I would say something like.. “That’s it..??”
Not gonna lie… I think that would be a hard thing to hear (gay, pregnant and single, using drugs, etc)… And I would probably sit there dumbfounded….
And at that moment I’m sure God will bring to mind how I was once bisexual, how I got left pregnant and alone at 20 and how I was once rebellious and a alcohol/drug user who everyone thought was a waste of space…and it only stopped when I found christians who loved the devil outta me and lead me to Christ.
After that thought, I will just sit there will my child and hug them, & cry because I know the struggles and the pain. I will say: “I love you and will accept you no matter what choice u make”…
But I will not lose hope for them… Because if God was able to transform me to this new creation… I believe He will do the same for my child.
You wrote, “I love and will accept you no matter what choice u make”…..
Homosexuality is not a choice. Nobody “chooses” to be gay.
Not really sure why gay would be paired with “single and pregnant,” and “using drugs.” Not really in the same category.
Well the “single and pregnant” and homosexual acts would be in the same catagory. The former being fornication, the later being the exchanging of the natural for the unnatural. Both are sins that God calls sins against one’s own body. The drug thing you would think is a sin against one’s own body. I’m an alcoholic and my sins have very much found me out. Along with the two pack a day cigerette habit I have. You would think that my body would be dead by now. Well there is always the hope that my body will give out today and I will go and see Jesus and He will tell me that He and John were lovers then He will introduce me to That couple King David and his life partner Jonathan. I don’t think that will happen tough. I think he will tell me I made the wrong choices. And what happens next, I don’t know. The Apostle Paul said me (a drunkard) and you (the homosexual) are not going to be allowed into heaven. Go figure!
Thank you for your honesty Patricia. Yours is the most honest post. “The devil walks around as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour” “The heart of man is deceitfully wicked, above all things” “We dig pits and fall into them”
Not sure as I have not been in that situation. But, my husband and I have had that conversation with his sister, who had just had some medical tests done. This was before we knew Christ but his first words were”is that all?” I thought you were going to tell us you had cancer! She and other family members know we are born again, and yet know that we love them. Turning away from them is not drawing them to Christ.
I have loved u your entire life…unconditionally. Never be afraid that you are alone. I may not always understand but I will always love you and support you.
Do these jeans make me look fat?
This actually did happen in my family. My brother is gay, and he told my parents about 6 years ago. My mom and dad are so full of God’s love, grace and wisdom.
Their response was: “We love you, son. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”
It was incredible for my brother because he was struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide that he was a mistake and that God hated him. We still speak the truth of the Word, but we have brought my brother and his long-time boyfriend into our family. I still struggle with the eternal outcome – but I know for now – I am called to love my brother unconditionally.
is your brother a believer?
He professes Jesus is Lord and he believes that Jesus died and was raised again for our sins – but he has really walked away from all aspects of a Christian life. My family is going through a very trying time this week (my sister had a double mastectomy on Wednesday) and he has been full of faith and agrees with us in prayer. I don’t know how to approach him (or if I should) about reconciling with God.
i understand – my situation is similar. my brother hasn’t completely walked away from the faith as much as i think he’s trying to reconcile the his sexuality and his faith. can that be done?
With God, all things are possible! Keep praying, never give up, God doesn’t give up on us!
Yes, it can be done.
There’s this group in Chicago, The Marin Foundation, that works to build bridges between faith communities and LGBTQ communities…. I think they could be helpful to the process for both you and your brother– they’re connected with good people and read good books. They’d love to process with you and or your brother if he’d like.
I’ve been all over this situation, but I’ve been the parent. Hard to say what would come out of my mouth. But my desire to share God’s love with every person I can. That means everyone regardless of their situation or mine.
Acceptance is a God thing. It is not accepting sin. It is accepting a person that God loves. The way we accept, interact with and share God’s love with is going to make a difference in that person and others coming to know God.
It is time to offer hope and not hate. It is time to share and not to side step. It is time to do what Jesus would do.
I meant “I’ve never been the parent”.
“I love you and nothing will ever change that. Thank you for telling me. Have you talked to God about it?”
hopefully it would be something similar to what my parents did when i told them that my girlfriend that i met at bible college was pregnant…they went for a walk and came back and in a huddle before the big game way said “what’s our plan?”
My Nephew came out this summer. Our story is a long one just up to that point, much to long for here. After he came out my father freaked out and tried to FB preach it out of him. I have slowly and tenderly said I love him and I thank God for him. I also let him know that while I may not agree that his decision to fully commit to the gay lifestyle is best for him that it doesn’t change that he is my nephew and that I love him. So far so good. Baby steps you know?
I haven’t put a lot of thought into the gay question, but our son (almost 15) told us recently that he’s tired of “all the God stuff all the time”. Then he went on to say that he didn’t even really believe in God at all because of the hardships he’s endured.
I looked him in the eye and said “I’ll believe for you until you are ready yourself. God desires relationship with you, and He’s a patient God. I’m a patient mom, and I love you no matter what”. then we hugged.
Yes, he still hugs me
And last night, he attended a bible study with 12 other high school guys “Just because it sounded like something I would like”. Love it!
this parenting thing is not for the faint-hearted, is it?
I have a 17 year-old (almost 18) and a 15 year-old son. My oldest has questioned things recently. I think it is something alot of us go through at some point in time. Then, he feels guilty about questioning it. He still prays and such; I told him it is normal and that I am glad he doesn’t just accept everything that is told to him. I feel God speaks to all of us to tell us what He wants us to know/hear at the time. My son will question things one day and then say something like, the stuff they say to disprove God is so ignorant, are they serious? So, I know his faith is still there, it is just an age of exploring the world around them and in them!
not sure how because the situation is always different but I know I’d love them just the same. The gift of children is one from God, so they’d be loved by me, m friends and, if the church family I have now is any inclination of the church family I’ll have then, they would love him/her as well.
Prayer, embrace and love is what I would offer them. Oh wait… I’d offer that to my heterosexual son/daughter as well!
Told him that we loved him and nothing would change that.
Admittedly, I still struggle with how to handle the situation. We don’t really talk about relationships with him, although we know he’s already had one or two boyfriends. He told us when he was 14-15 and he’s 21 now.
Honestly, I think having your child tell you they are gay is a more difficult situation than a pregnancy or substance abuse. Within the Christian community, one can find resources and ministries to deal with pregnancy or substance abuse. I personally haven’t found many that deal with homosexuality because it’s such a stigma within the church. I would NOT, could NOT tell anyone in my church that my son is gay.
Look I don’t wanna harp on you but this kinda floors me. Do you think it’s important that people in your church know he’s gay? Why even mention, or dream of mentioning it, to anyone at church. I’ve never walked into a church and said, “Straight white male here just in case anyone is wondering.” I’m not suggesting you hide it either. Just let it be. Also, would people at your church not support you? I hope, and think, I would get lots of support from people at my church, your stereotypical white country church if it matters, in anything I struggled with. Including but not limited to the sexual orientation of my children, cancer, death, my kids blue hair, depression, drug abuse, etc. Find a church that will support you when the you know what hits the you know where. We’re brothers and sisters. Brothers and sisters stick together even when hell comes knocking.
I agree.
It would not be something I feel that needs announcing in church. But I feel that I would not be able to tell anyone. And yes, it’s probably my own issue to deal with. There may be people within my church that I could tell, overall though, I think I would be judged by the majority in having a gay son. And that’s my point….I don’t think that most churches are capable of handling that type of ministry. Having said this, I am probably totally wrong. My feelings, I know, are a total generalization on all churches. Maybe I should just say that I don’t feel my current church would handle a ministry like that.
This question from the dad who told his boy it’s ok to be a single lady! Really?
Where were you when I wasn 32 and doing this very thing? Give my parents credit….both rual southerners and both just said they loved me and never skipped a beat.
I’m gay and I love loswhit! Don’t be skeered; it’s all on the up and up!
My parents response when I told them I struggled with homosexuality, “We love you.”…. Of course, it wasn’t really a conversation I entered into by choice.; They’d walked into a situation where the only assumption they had was that I was having sex with my best friend. Despite the truth, I couldn’t convince them they were wrong until I got the Youth pastor to put everyone in the same room.
I’ve still never had sex with anyone. Nor do I think it’d be right for me to like this.
If somehow that changed and I wound up with kids I’d tell them that no matter what they did I’d still love them. I’d tell them of my gay family who chose differently, and how much I still love them. That we’re all equally loved by God.
Best response I’ve read. You are right on, dude.
Depends on which of my kids are saying it- They are as different as night and day. But the most important part is they know I love them and still believe that God has a purpose for them the way they are.
But after spending the majority of my teen years with more friends that were gay then not, I think I would roll with it pretty well. And nothing would have changed they are still my world and I love them more then anything
At my 11 yr old’s first birthday party a family member gave him a heart shaped locket with a poem about this necklace being a wedding gift for him to give his bride one day. When the party was over my wife’s and my first response to each other was “What if he’s gay?” We have thought about this issue from the beginning with both our children and have just tried to consistently demonstrate God’s unconditional love to them.
I hope that if (scratch that, “when”) they have something difficult to tell us they remember one of the things I tell them every day, “I love you, no matter what, always and forever.”
Also, I try to think about how I would’ve wanted my parents to respond when I had, what felt like, difficult information to tell them (“Dad, I just wrecked your car”, etc…) I want to be loving, to listen, share grace, and be supportive.
I know this isn’t a popular response on here, but …
I’d tell my kid I love them and that while I understand homosexuality to be a sin according to God and Scripture, I don’t see it as any more of a sin than any of the other sins that we commit. I would not hide my disagreement with them regarding their understanding of identity, how God made them or Scripture. I don’t know if I would bring all of those things up at that time, as I assume that they would be well aware of my convictions by then. But I would not hide my love for them either.
By the time your kid is telling you they’re generally pretty aware of your views. The question is how you choose to express your love, and remain a safe place for them to wrestle with God. Point them toward God, because only He has all of the answers they seek.
Agreed. I have come to conclusions regarding my faith and the Bible that my parents, grandparents and siblings don’t share. While they weren’t excited about my understandings of Scripture, I think they chose to rest in the fact that I had a desire to understand God, His Word and was seeking Him for myself – even if that meant I landed somewhere that they didn’t.
Agree with Jonathan that they are probably aware of your views. Actually, how can any gay person not be aware of what most Christians believe concerning the teaching that “homosexuality” is a “sin”? They know this and are just hoping for a response of love from the people they “come out” to.
I would add this, as carefully and respectfully as possible, because this is such a hot topic right now. Please do more biblical research on this subject. Our cultural interpretation of this word “homosexuality” is different from the original words used. The cultural context it was written in is important to know and understand. Please understand I am not trying to argue that it is not a sin but rather we should understand Truth clearly regarding our Holy scriptures–especially when some argue about this issue so vehemently. Even Jesus didn’t mention this issue once, but instead spoke frequently about religious people being judgemental vs loving towards others.
No disrespect taken. If you knew more of my personal story, you’d know that I have studied the issue very thoroughly.
And I say this as respectfully as possible, I would discourage you and other people from assuming that people who conclude that homosexuality is a sin have not studied the issue in depth. I’m not saying this is what you are saying, but there definitely is a worldview that says, “Anyone who thinks homosexuality is a sin must not have studied the issue in depth.” Not only is that not true, but it’s not fair. It is very possible for two people to study an issue deeply and come to different conclusions.
Regarding what Jesus mentioned – He did discuss marriage. More than once. And He only discussed it in the context of a man and a woman. And even if He hadn’t, I believe believers should allow all of the Bible to influence their beliefs on multiple issues – not just the red words.
Very true. There are lots of well-meaning people on both sides who believe it’s a sin, and those who don’t. Pray to God for wisdom and clarity. Research it for yourself, and then pray some more!
http://www.gaychristian.net/greatdebate.php
Sji is your story on the net anywhere? I’ve always enjoyed looks into the lives of people living in this tension.
No, Jonathan it is not, but just briefly:
I grew up in the church, in a Christian family and in the performing arts in a very ‘pro-gay’ city. I have always known more gay people than I can count. I have family members, friends, bosses, co-workers, neighbors and people that I go to church with who self-identify as gay. I was repeatedly molested as a juvenile by multiple men who self-identify as gay. I have spent more of my life in conversations about all of this than I can count. Ultimately, I decided to let God reveal His truth to me about the issue through His word and His Holy Spirit.
I’ve concluded that Christians need to show FAR more mercy and compassion to people who self-identify as gay than they have historically. Likewise, Christians need to develop an increasingly more Biblical worldview along with a higher view of scripture when sharing who Christ is, who He is not and what He taught.
Thank you for sharing!. I can’t imagine going through that, and the difficulty expressing the love evident in your posts. ; And since you shared yours, I’ll share mine.
http://www.madcatsden.net/theflame/2009/10/28/jonathans-testimony/
Christians are forever in need of becoming more like Him. May our lives reflect His Glory, Mercy , Compassion, and Love in a way that draws all unto Him!
I’ll be honest. I am shocked to see such a positive blog about this topic.
I am 22, a christian. I also live with my girlfriend of 8months. I used to be a youth leader, member of my churches worship team, childcare provider, set designer, tech booth helper, etc. Pretty much any event or program that my church did, I was there with helping hands. Now i’m at a new church and just a face in the crowd. Living a double life. Guilt is holding me back more then the sin itself.
Back to the question…
I can’t be 100% positive about what my mom would say. She is a follower of christ as well and I think the first thing she would say, “I knew it” followed by a flood of tears. Would not be surprised if there was a slap to the face. My mom would not take this news well and probably completely sever our relationship.
I’m not trying to be a negative nancy. I love this blog and glad you posted it! I love some of the response. Caleb’s response is brave and helpful. Everyone else that replied with “bring them to christ” thats awesome! we should! We have in my case. San Fran has gay churches lead by gay pastor.
I wasn’t really trying to make a point with my response, just sharing my thoughts/story.
Cool, what should we do for lunch?
On the serious side though, having had a family member come out to me (not a child) my only thought and question was “Was I there for you enough?” Being accepting is one thing, but walking beside, encouraging and loving is completely different. If my son were to tell me that I’d immediately do a scan of the last however many years and inventory the time/ways I’d been there for him and hope it was enough. It’s hard enough to grow up gay, much less gay and christian, as the church it’s our responsibility to open our arms to the poor, oppressed and marginalized. There isn’t a more marginalized community in the US right now than the GLBT community.
Thanks for your post carlos!
I love this response and I totally agree.
I agree with other posts I’m reading. The FIRST words are, “I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY!”
We have had 2 people in the last 6 years in my husband’s family abandon their wives and children to enter into homosexual relationships and lifestyles. My children have witnessed the devastation of this and are aware of the childhood sexual abuse that precipitated it. We also have made it a huge priority to be available to talk with our children about anything and everything honestly and with biblical foundation. If my children ever came to me with this they would know that we would be able to talk it out lovingly and openly. We have also taught our children the difference between the commitment of love and the feelings of infatuation. I am sure that we would talk about why they were attracted to that lifestyle and prayerfully attempt to uncover the lies of the enemy that would lead them to that harmful conclusion. There has to be a TON of foundation set to determine how each family would face this possibility. Though my children are 11, 8 and one due next month, I am confident that every day I make myself sit down to hear about what happened at school and make time to talk about what is important to them even in the putting-off-bedtime-a-few-more-minutes talks is vital to any rock-your-world announcements that may come later in life.
LOVE this response!!
I am very glad you talk to your kids; mine are very open with me too and I think, however, that it is crucial. But, I want to point out that I don’t think most, if any, homosexuals are gay because of childhood abuse. I am not sure if you meant that; I just wanted to point that out. It may be a factor in the demise of the marriage but I don’t think it necessarily led to the homosexuality. There are many gays that were not abused and many “straight” people who were.
I was only recounting what has affected our family, not guessing at the underlying reason for all homosexual tendencies.
My brother came out to me, and for some reason we both cried together. I told him I loved him and thanked him for trusting me.
We grew up in a Christian home so this was a big struggle for him coming out. Everyone in my family knows except for my dad. My mom cried and told him she loved him.
After that no one has talked about it ever since. But my brother still talks to me about it. And we do discuss his struggles and every time we end our conversation I tell him, “I love you so much… and you are not a mistake”
My brother is my best friend. And I know that God is watching over him and loving on him no matter what.
“Interesting. What does that mean?”
I would want to know what my child is thinking and feeling. I would want them to do the talking. I would want to listen to what they have to say before I really say anything.
Pretty much what I was thinking.
Coming from someone who isn’t yet married and doesn’t yet have kids, here’s what I think my answer ideally would be a fairly nonchalant “Oh? Wanna talk about it?”
I think beyond that it depends on what our relationship was like at the moment, what he/she means by “gay” (small word, lots of variation), what he/she is feeling about the wider church, and what he/she is feeling about God.
At some point in the conversation I’d probably work in something to the effect of “I will always love and support YOU completely, sometimes I won’t understand where you are at, sometimes I won’t agree with a specific choice you make, but even then I will always love YOU and you will always be my son/daughter.”
Very good points. There’s such a wide range of things someone could mean when describing themselves as Gay.
Stuck by the fact that most responses scream forgiveness but whisper repentance. Shouldn’t it be reversed?
Good question (and poetically phrased).
I’d say that ideally responses should scream love and then whisper (or at least use an “inside voice” for) both repentance and forgiveness.
Love needs to be the presupposition for and the goal of repentance and forgiveness.
I agree, repentance and love are both sides of the same coin (love). My point is that with God one precedes the other. Repentance (of sin) is a prerequisite for forgiveness from God. So our obligation in this situation as parents is to call our child to repent (of their sin) so that God’s forgiveness can be applied. That is the most loving thing we can do.
previous post should say “repentance and forgiveness are both sides of the same coin (love).
Of course, some of us would posit that there is no sin here. Jay Bakker’s new book addresses this, as does Jack Rogers’s EXCELLENT book, “Jesus, the Bible & Homosexuality.”
And as the wife of someone who last year told me the “I don’t believe in God” one, screaming REPENT doesn’t make for a relationship that either of us want to be a part of.
I don’t imagine that screaming repent ever works, but I could be wrong. But people must be counseled to repent of sin (yes, I know. Not everyone thinks homosexuality is sin).
“no you’re not, silly!”
ok.. hope there’s no word limit… I would first thank my child for trusting me enough to be honest with what they are feeling, then I would hope that they would enter a dialogue with me to answer a few a questions. I truly believe that there is a difference between being “GAY” and experiencing homosexual tendencies. I would ask if they have already crossed lines physically with someone or if this is something that is still a “feeling”. Like they feel attracted to same sex people. I am a youth leader and it is amazing what things drive these kids into “thinking” or “feeling” gay. If a girl sees a late night commercial with 2 girls kissing and it “turns her on” then it immediately causes questions. I believe that the human being was created by God with every intention of being sexual people in order to have intimacy and create life. So of course something may be ignited when anyone sees sexual acts. So anyways I would ask key questions to understand how they are feeling. I would remind them that they are LOVED by God and that His plan and intentions are for them to engage in “healthy relationships”, this is for everyone regardless of sexual identity. HOWEVER our sexuality is NOT our identity. We hear this all the time.. being gay is “who I am”… I do NOT agree. Who we are as people does not depend on who we have sex with. Who we are is based more on our character than our sexual preference. I would encourage my child to seek God and know that He will respond to them with clarity. It is important to understand where and when these feelings arose and IF my child still chose to move further in a gay lifestyle. I would do what I am already doing… covering them in prayer daily, leading a Godly life by example and loving them unconditionally. I could go on but I guess this is long enough.
Good point! I agree, being gay is not WHO somebody is! I am probably the odd man out, but it bothers me that many people are so focused on repentance and changing the person. I don’t think anyone has the right to tell someone else that they are damned or to judge them. If they ask for advice, great. But being judgmental pushes people away from the church, not towards it. And God is supposed to be the only judge. I do agree with praying for them to find peace and even advising them to pray for clarity. But, NOT asking them to pray to be “fixed”. (You didn’t say this, I am just venting here.) I love God fully, talk to Him daily and am forever grateful for all He has done for me; however church is not my thing for those reasons. I hate to see the hypocrisy and judgment in so many churches (not ALL, I am aware). But, I savor my relationship with Him and won’t waver from that!
I would ask who they’ve already told. (while making a sandwich- props to Jamie!)
If we are first (praise the Lord), thank them for having the confidence to know we love them and would help them through anything that ever happens. then request that they not tell anyone for a time, while we talk about it for awhile to explore if those are real feelings, and also express what their expectations are when others are told, etc.
If we are NOT first, tell them we love them unconditionally, and ask how long they have thought this, etc. Then follow above.
SHOWER THEM WITH ACCEPTANCE!
The last thing you should do is sever a relationship over this topic. How can you impact anyone if you slam the door in their face? How can you really show them LOVE if you only dish out judgment? If you are a Christian, they should already know where you stand. What they want to know is if you TRULY love them the way that you SAY you do, and IF you are going to back up your words with actions. If it was my child, the first thing I would do is hug them. This would be followed by a tearful “I love you.” Then I would ask them about what brought them to this place in their lives. I would want to know what was going on in their hearts, and who was in their circle of friends. Since this is my child that we are (hypothetically) talking about, they should KNOW that I was already praying for them. They would KNOW that NO MATTER WHAT (whether I agreed with them or not), I LOVED THEM. I believe that nothing shocks God. I do believe that His heart can be grieved, but He already knows every detail of our lives before we are even born. He is totally in love with His Creation, and will pursue us until the day we die. As a mom, I would have to just fall into the arms of Christ, giving this to HIM in every moment that I had breath.
“go ask your mother. Wait what? Oh….um….”
Then I would elloquently say the exactly right thing that provokes respect, awe, and deep affection for God. I mean…I assume.
“I love you no matter what, and we are here for you no matter what.” And I would give him/her a big hug. I would then ask if we could pray together and just pour my heart out to God. Hopefully our relationship would be just as it is now. We pray together often.
My niece told me she is gay this summer on a camping trip and that the “room-mate” she’s been living with for the past three years is actually her partner. I told her that I’d already wondered about that and that her uncle and I love her very much. She isn’t following God. She thanked me for my response as when she came out to her own family, who also isn’t following the Lord, their response was very negative and led to her not speaking to them for over a year.
Alright…..you stayin for dinner?
I love you. Who you are to me and God is so much bigger than your sexuality. I have never identified you as ‘gay or ‘straight’ and I never will. I have always identified you as mine and I always will. God would say the same thing to you. I hope that my actions reflect these words and that you can believe and receive my love.
If I have acted or spoken in a way that has made you doubt your relationship to me, or your identity in my eyes, then I want you to know you can tell me.
Because I love you unconditionally, I want you to know that I have to be honest with you. I will be praying and hoping that one day, when you begin the sentence “I am…”, that you will not finish the sentence with a word that describes your sexuality one way or the other. My prayer and hope is that you will finish the sentence with a statement that reflects the fullness of your identity in Jesus Christ; a word the reflects the permanence of your relationship with me. I hope you finish the sentence with “…loved.”
When you can say that, everything else will make sense. You won’t have to worry about what you can and cannot do, who you can and cannot love. You will be so drawn to the person of Jesus Christ that you will want to be more and more like him. Anything that is getting in the way won’t matter anymore.
By the way, I’m praying that for myself too. None of us are there yet. I would love for you to help me figure out what it means to be bought by Jesus and belong to God.
[Big Hug]
[Lots of Crying]
[Go out for some wings]
Though I’m not yet a parent, as a youth pastor I’ve had 2 teens have this conversation with me and ask me to be a part of this conversation with their parents…my first response to both teens were, “I still love you. That won’t ever change. God still loves you, and that fact will never change. Now, where do we go from here?” In both cases the teens were torn between their desires and their desire to please God…..talking with their parents was difficult, even for me. Seeing pain in their parents eyes, as if they had messed up, done something wrong. Thankfully, one mom handled it with grace. Openly admitted that she loved her child, but wasn’t sure what to do from their. It was such an opportunity for the church to be the church – to help mom and child in this journey…..the other ten was confronted with a dad who assured him of his love, but also made it well aware that he wouldn’t “be gay and live in his house”….his teen moved in with 2 older gay men 2 months later…..Great question/conversation, Los!
I love you and nothing will change that. God loves you and nothing will change that either. Let’s talk about what brought you to this decision.
Nothing. NOTHING. Nothing will make you love you less.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8T976TO1X-4&feature=player_embedded
“I was wondering how long it would take you to discover your identity.”
A child doesn’t get up one day and decides to be gay, if a parent is really intuned with their child they will notice the signs from early in life and be supportive of who the child is and help him/her build their self esteem. Positive reinforcement is the best gift a parent can give a child, from this comes self acceptance and self esteem.
The whole “hate the sin, love the sinner” thing is completely bogus. A sinner sins therefore that comments means us as Christians hate them.
I know many people have responded with “I love you anyway” stuff. Honestly if my child came up to me and said they were gay I’d be sooooo pissed. I would begin to throw guilt upon myself and fight the urge not to respond emotionally. But in the end because my child has grown up in my house and knows that grace trumps truth that I would act in love. I wouldn’t love them “anyway”. Things would change. Our conversations would be different but once again there would be a foundation set for grace.
Let me turn it around on you. Imagine your parent coming to you with those words.
I experience that at 15. My father, after being married to my mother for almost 32 years and only separated from her for 2 months, sat me down to tell me he was gay and had a partner. I wish I had known what to say, but at 15, my eyes got big, and i remained in shocked silence.
It is my prayer to never remain silent again. I don’t care how shocked I am, I will always be able to at least say, “You are Loved.” We are all loved no matter what. I didn’t REALLY understand that until recently, but there is nothing NOTHING that can make a person unloveable. NOTHING.
I still remember the day when I was 9 years old when my dad and his partner sat me down on my grammas front porch. He took a deep breath, looked at me and said, “Honey I need to tell you something. I’m gay.”
He’s still my dad. I can’t remember what I said in that moment, but I know one thing… its a long journey from someone telling you they are gay (parent, child, friend), to understanding how to love them selflessly.
I’m still on that journey. But my dad is my dad.
…Really? Can’t you see even the animals know the difference?!?!?…
My dog doesn’t…
MY DOG HUMPS MY LEG. HES A DUDE AND SO AM I…
Do all dogs go to heaven?
“I love you so so much. Let’s talk about this more after you’re done changing the oil on my prius.”
Loved reading through these responses. I had a friend who got pregnant before she was married. Her dad was conservative and a single-father. She was really close to him and was so nervous about telling him she was pregnant.
She told me that when she sat down and broke the news to her dad, she was in tears and totally broken, and after she told him, she said, “Dad, I’m so so sorry.”
And the first words out of his mouth were, “I never want to hear you say that again. Really, that is the last time I want you to apologize.”
And I think what an amazing response that was because it totally looks forward and not back, totally communicates love and acceptance, totally tells her that she’s okay and the future is bright, not black.
Love that.
Just to clarify, i’m not saying that homosexually is necessarily a “choice” like choosing to have sex (like my friend and her boyfriend)– was just hitting on the idea again of immediate love and acceptance and not wallowing or feeling like a defense or apology is needed. Regardless of the “how”, I loved the dad’s response of moving forward in love, and that’s what I was trying to communicate earlier.
I’ve worked with many people who got a negative response from parents. I didn’tell mt own parents until I had worked through many issues person ally. My parents continue too expres the live of Jesus – and their own. Now that my secrets have been laid bare, it means even more to hear my dad tell me he is proud of me. Thank God for grace!
Wow, those typos were not there when I hit Submit!
This is by far the best talk on this topic.
It’s by Matt Chandler
http://fm.thevillagechurch.net/culture-theology
really really great, completely agree. i wish more people would open up to the truth that people like him present. it took me years to get to the point of giving my sexuality to God. i seriously don’t regret it! although, it’s really hard because the world looks at us who are changing through Christ as if we’re monsters. i guess this is a part of what Jesus meant by the world hating us for following Christ?
Great point luke!
I hope that it’s not a confession to my husband or myself. I would imagine that we already have an inkling of an idea. I knew my sister was gay yeeeears before she officially came out. As did everyone in my family.
I am trying to understand (and I mean this earnestly) how to reconcile the concept that homosexuality is a sin when it is not a choice. God is without flaw, and if that is how he created any one of us, it feels as though saying it’s wrong is not being true to God. Also, how is my love for my husband any different in God’s eyes than my sister’s love for her wife? This, for me, is a hurdle I can’t get over.
My kids are young, but right now I’m dealing with a teenager I’m close to. Before my husband went into ministry, she was in jr. high and attending the same church as us. Big issues….her mom left her and her dad when she was young and her dad has raised her. He uses meth and abuses prescription pain meds. She is a cutter and has an explosive relationship with her dad. She made a public profession of faith in junior high, but in high school, had a blow up with the youth pastor’s wife…unfortunately. She now does not attend church and is in a lesbian relationship. I chat on facebook with her, but only recently has she opened up to me….she says most Christians just lecture her. I’ve made it clear that my husband and I don’t approve of her lifestyle, but we love her and she can call us anytime. She did reach out a month ago when her dad kicked her out and she had the urge to cut. We talked until 2am. The issue I’m having is, she says if she would decide to go to church again she would come to ours since we have treated her well, but only if her girlfriend could come with her and they can hold hands. Then she said nobody better confront her, either. I told her she was definitely welcome to bring her girlfriend, but if she’s already telling me she will hold her hand and no one better react, what’s her motivation? She said, “family”. I’m having a hard time moving beyond “church” to Jesus. She knows who He is and what He stands for. Obviously I want her to come to church, but not for the fuzzy family feeling, but because she’s part of the family and wants to follow Christ. She is very bold in saying she isn’t interested in that. She even said to me, “back when I was a Christian….” I’m really struggling with this, but am not willing to give up – we’re the only Christians she has.
I’m straight, but I am an extraordinarily affectionate person and I am almost always holding someone’s hand in church and in bible study. For her, it may just be a source of comfort that she just doesn’t want to give up. If holding her girlfriend’s hand is routine when she goes out in public, going to church (a place that is going to be stressful for her anyway) and knowing that she’s cut off from that typical source of comfort may make it too stressful for her to feel comfortable trying.
Also, I’ve never had anyone in my church (or anyone else) confront me about my hand holding. I don’t think it’ll be a terribly big deal.
I had no idea what I would say…I should have known because I had been imagining the day in my mind for 6 years….What just instinctively came out was “I know and I love you…you know that, right? You are the same person you were 5 minutes ago….nothing has changed….and I know this is not something you chose”….as I hugged her tight and the sobs came out of my chest. She said “I’ve been trying to figure this out for years and I’ve been praying for years that God would change this but He hasn’t….there is just nothing clear cut about this….I want to know why I’m like this and why God would allow me to be like this if it is wrong”. I responded with “I don’t have any answers…I wish I did…I am struggling with the same questions as you are”…There was a little more conversation with her, my husband and her older sister (who convinced her to tell us that night because of a blog she found) then 5 days later she left to study in Europe for the school year….We were not about to have this “elephant” be the center of focus in our time left with her…she was the same little girl I love more than life herself….We know there are hard times ahead….But I gotta tell you that when it’s your own child, you see this issue from a totally different perspective….All of the Christian explanations of why people are like this just go out the window…My question is not just “why is she this way” but “As a follower of Christ, what is she supposed to do with this?” and “What is the evangelical church’s response going to be to my daughter” and the one that scares me the most “Am I going to be able to keep fellowshiping with people who see my daughter as a pariah?”….She is helping lead worship at a house church at her school, she goes to a small, house-held French church also, she helped plan a spiritual retreat for her fellow students, she spent a week in Romania in December with orphans before coming home for Christmas…but more importantly, she loves Jesus….What does the Church have to say to her and what does God expect her to do with this the rest of her life?
i understand where she’s coming from, and i’m sure my mom would relate to your thoughts. just know you both are not alone in this. it may not seem like it since our congregational culture has a habit of shoving issues under the bed, but there are quite a few people with the same struggles. things get better, although they may not be clearer. just know that if she’s following Christ like you said, she’s in the BEST of hands
Luke, thanks SO much for your words…I am sure there are lots of people all around us with the same struggles….That’s the problem….No one talks about it. I know of 2 other families we know whose young adult kids have come out to their friends but I don’t know if the parents know, so I can’t reach out to them.. It’s not even discussed in the evangelical church as something families are dealing with.It’s interesting….my husband and I have had students (he’s a college professor) come into our lives in the past 2 years who are gay, some Christian, some not….they are drawn to us and we to them…coincidence? I think not!! I have a funny feeling God is preparing us for a ministry that we could never have imagined!! And yes, our daughter is in the BEST of hands!! Thanks so much for your words and encouragement….
I experienced stony silence from my mom when I first told her. She eventually pointed out the Jerry Falwell (who happened to be on TV) doesn’t approve. I told her I understood.
My dad flipped out. Our relationship never recovered.
I read lots of positive responses. It doesn’t really match the experiences that most of my gay and lesbian acquaintances have experienced. But maybe times are changing.
I’ve already told my sons that I don’t presume that they will end up with a wife or a husband in the future (though I assume statistically that they’ll end up with wives). But I did tell them that I reserve the right to complain if their chosen spouse ends up being a jerk.
What you say is important, but I think the general atmosphere in how you respond is more important. Mark Driscoll says it is important to not freak out. If you freak out, bad things will happen. Maybe you do not say much.
In the parable of prodigal son, the father gave his son half of his kingdom and let him go. Love does not force one to stay or due things. A real love will allow rebellion and keep on loving without questioning what the other is doing.
Don’t freak out.
So much wisdom here! Let me ask this. What if you grew up as an orphan and your only known living relative, your sister, says she is gay and wants you to come to her and her partner’s wedding? She has been your only friend and support for 35 years and if you lose her as family, you will be all alone. (Yes, you have church family but that’s not what I’m talking about.) And she’s told you that her partner’s parents aren’t coming to the wedding because they don’t believe in it and so they’re cutting off communication with them.
I keep thinking about Christ’s admonition to love him more than your family, but it’s awfully hard to stand up and know that you will lose the only family you’ve ever known.
I’d keep in mind that it’s a wedding. Your sister’s wedding. Do you really want to miss it?
Also, why would you necessarily lose your sister if you don’t go?
GO TO THE wedding and show the light of JESUS AND HIS LOVE for all makind.
Show her the light and let her know that you love her and that JESUS loves her too…..HE LOVES THE SINNER AND NOT THE SIN………and remember that the one without sin , let him/her cast the first stone…………LOVE HAS NO FEAR……JESUS IS LOVE…….I WOULD FAST AND PRAY FOR DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING FOR WISDOM LOVE AND GUIDANCE and to be able to be the LIGHT to all the ones attending the wedding.
Go to the wedding Gina. It is very similar to the practice of 1st century christians eating meat sacrificed to idols. Paul pointed out that they weren’t really sacrifices because those dieties did not exist. So, it was an empty ceremony. Just like this wedding does not exist. It’s an empty ceremony. Although it is also true that you should not eat meat of sacrifices if it causes your brother to stumble. In the same way if you are a christian and you marry someone of the same sex you should be careful you do not cause someone else to stumble. In other words, better not to marry than cause your brother to stumble. The fact that this question comes into your mind at all shows that you ALREADY love Jesus more because you are really wondering what He thinks about it first. Good.
one of the best ways to respond is be willing to listen, you most likely won’t even have to ask “how did you know?” or “how did you come to understand this?” etc.
also, you DON’T have to talk it all out right then, it can be overwhelming on both sides.
by the way, the (much) earlier response about leading NON-CHRISTIAN gays to Christ first before trying to change their sexuality is gold. if the gay Christian is actively seeking God, don’t be surprised if in a few years they start to change their attitude toward living the gay lifestyle. it began happening to me a while back through the Holy Spirit’s work, not exodus int., or a camp, or counseling, etc.
“God calls gays to holiness, not heterosexuality”
I.LOVE.THIS.
When I have kids, I want them to know that I will love them no matter what choice they make. There are times I will get angry, and I will not like all of the choices they make. I am not perfect; they will not be perfect. I remember how relieved I was that my parents didn’t scream at me when I got arrested. I made mistakes, and I knew they disapproved, but I didn’t know until it happened that they really did love me unconditionally. I don’t want it to take something big for my children to really KNOW that.
This is a really hard topic for me because it reveals so many ugly things about myself, like my willingness to categorize sin and only feel strongly about “big” sin. I also get frustrated because I think it’s very clear that we can choose how we feel. We can choose to whom we allow ourselves to be attracted. Everyone had a choice about where they focus their thoughts. Feelings don’t change overnight, but they can change. The thing that breaks my heart is when I hear about people trying so hard in secret to deny their homosexual attraction that they finally give up and just come out. We’re not meant to struggle alone. You can’t change on your own. This morning at my church’s women’s group, the topic was on levels of change, and we talked a lot about identity. One thing that really stood out to me (especially as someone who has had years of therapy) is this: You can’t think your way into acting differently. We were never meant to do what only the Holy Spirit can do.
I don’t think there is any one right answer. I don’t have everything worked out in my own life. I know what I believe and why, and I believe that God can do anything. He knows far more than I ever will, and I trust that he knows what he’s doing. I often hesitate to get involved in discussions like this because there’s so much that I don’t know, but I think discussion is healthy. I hope to be the kind of person that anyone, friend or family, can come to about anything. I just want to love the people around me and encourage them to always be striving to live the life God has for them; it’s so much better than anything else.
My parents have had the “I’m pregnant!” talk with one kid (me) and the “I’m gay” talk with one son. And my mom will always say that the “I’m using drugs” or “I’m not following Jesus” or the “I screwed up” conversations hit in exactly the same way. People sin. Therefore your children will sin. And Jesus is love. Therefore as parents, we love.
I’ve learned a lot about love and acceptance from my parents. I hope I can always show my kids the same.
I made you from scratch. You are perfect. I love you.
Yet again Los you make us think and I love it!
Honestly, the first thing out of my mouth would be “You are what?”. This is more a function of knowing my child rather than being intolerant of his lifestyle.
I have, will, and will always love my son. And whether he is gay, goes to some crazy college, or marries someone I don’t love; that will never change. I raise him to love God and be honest with his earthly father, his heavenly father, and himself. The rest of it is just a process.
Our kids are our kids and their kids are still God’s kids. It is hard to be in a biracial relationship, I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to wrestle with sexual orientation.
God bless those who are and have dealt with this. Your struggle, although different than mine, is one I can identify and empathize with.
Thanks Los!
SK
So a different twist on the question. How about when your friend tells you they are gay and have feelings for you? My son has recently had this and we continue to wrestle with the correct response. This young man is searching for truth and was a part of weekly study group. We want to love him and walk with him, but still struggle with the “correct” way to respond.We want to speak life and love and hope without coming off judgmental and yet quite frankly are a bit afraid…how do you remain close enough but not too close. I personally am burdened by the knowledge that I will be held accountable for him. How do I want to answer for that?
Try an unspiritual approach. Ask him what would happen to a person if they tried to violate God’s laws of Physics by jumping off a ten story building thinking God would save them. The result would be SPLAT. Same thing when we violate God’s natural laws by using our members in ways that He did not intend. And then thinking God is going to keep us safe. If we end up with a deadly disease, or a physical injury (i’m not going into that) or a drug addiction, emotional, mental illnees, who’s fault would it be? God’s NO. Ours.
Jeani,
Had this happen with my daughter. A girlfriend of hers told her she had a crush on her.
Honestly…I never dealt with that growing up and I called my mom to ask how she would handle it. She had never dealt with it either. No matter which way you slice it, if you’ve never come up against it it’s gonna feel awkward.
I think you’re already doing a super job handling it. Sounds like your heart is to love this kid…which is awesome. But love doesn’t always mean getting what you want.
I think your son needs to be honest with his friend in the same way he would with a girl that he didn’t have feelings for. Be gentle, but be honest. There might be a need for a time of separation until the friend is able to work through his feelings and find someone who can return them. Just my 2 cents.
This has been one of the best posts. I totally agree with loving the child and geting on with life. But where do we as a church go from here with the gay issue? How do we explain certain verses in light of evidence that most people are born a certain way? I have absolutely no idea, but I think our credibility as a church is riding on this issue quite a bit, this and how we treat women (in some areas, not good).
Worship musician and dad… and when this conversation happened with my daughter two years ago, I said “I Love You” followed quickly and with conviction by “and I see you as whole and right and beautifully made by God”. There is no condemnation.
Awesome, Patrick. Awesome.
when my parents realized i was a christian they were extremely disappointed. i heard things from them like, “we thought you raised to you better, “we thought you were smarter than that,” and “you’re not like the rest of the family.”
they had let me go to church with a friend because they thought it was just a feel-good thing. but i will never forget the day they found out i believed it. high school was miserable because i didn’t want to talk to my parents about problems because i knew i wanted to address them from a godly standpoint and that wasnt the advice i was going to get from them. so i had to seek out christian teachers and find any excuse to hang out at my youth group leaders house, which my parents hated. it caused a lot of fights.
the total effect of all this is that i cant even say “jesus” out loud. talking about what i believe is the hardest thing and i basically cannot do it because of all the judgement ive caught for it growing up. i feel ashamed when i go to church and deny it to my parents when they ask.
the relevancy is, it is so hard not to be accepted by your parents. dont ever make your kids feel like failures, like they disappoint you, that their life choices are stupid. it can lead to never being able to talk about and deal with things which in turns leads to a lot of stupid choices.
id ask my child what they needed from me.
Good one Violet. In your innocence you turned the arguement around. I think God had you do this. All you have to do is insert the word “Gay” for “christian” in your response. And you will understand the mindset of most of the posters here. It’s gayness first, Jesus second.
I did. Here’s what my dad said:
We only love you because Christ commands us to. I hate that you’re in a perpetual lifestyle of sinful choice. You need to move out. Our relationship will never be the same.
I glad Jesus loves me (and my partner).
Matt- Sorry that was your dad’s response. I hope that I choose a different route if and when either of my 2 boys comes to me with such important life news. Sounds like you serve the same all accepting, loving Jesus that I do. As a Christ follower, I hope that fellow Christ followers accept you and your partner, no differently than anyone else. Godspeed.
Since I don’t have kids, I would first ask, “Are you from the future?” Having established that, I would sit and listen.
honestly..probably, “F*#K!! I KNEW IT!!” I would have known for a while. I think we as parents know our children far better than we even admit to our spouses, at times. My response would be because I would be A) concerned about the way other Christians would look at me as a failure parent. B) I would be sad for the rough road my child was going to face with judgment and such from Christians and C) I would turn in to an even more protective dad to try and keep my child from harm’s way. We would talk about it like we talk about everything. We would eat, laugh, cry, snot on ourselves, etc. It could happen to any of us, huh?
‘Los I’m interested to know what your response would be.
our then-fifteen-year-old son confirmed our suspicions about 10 months ago. our first response was of course, that we loved him no differently, and that we were his parents always and forever. We are closer than ever, he knows he is completely safe in our home and in our relationship. Couple of interesting things that came out of that first-night conversation:
His words: “Mom, it’s just an adjective, not a noun. It’s not WHO I am, but just part of who I am.” So wise, that child.
And when we asked him “how does this affect your relationship with God”, his response was “Oh I’m confident God loves me, but I’m confident His church won’t”. Again, so wise.
And he’s also correct. We have since had to leave our evangelical church that we had been part of for over a decade. We got reactions ranging from denial to silence to ‘we love you anyway’ to even being told we are ‘on the path to hell for accepting the unacceptable’. Seriously??
Way to go, Christ-Followers. Way to represent.
I could go on and on… we are bruised and betrayed and battered, still in in love with God, but not so enamored by His Bride.
“So I tell you, every sin and blasphemy can be forgiven—except blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, which will never be forgiven.” Mat 12:31
I had a roommate (I understand, this is nothing NEAR a child) tell me he was gay.
I took the sarcastic route (which is exactly what he was hoping I’d do, come to find out).
It went something like this (without exaggeration):
Friend: I need to tell you something. You might not like it. I know you’re Christian.
Me: Ok..??
Friend: Dude, I’m gay.
Me: Ok. Want to go to Denny’s?
Friend: Ummm…what? You’re not judging me?
Me: Not at all. I’m just really hungry.
Friend: Cool.
Me: Hey, thanks for telling me how gay you are.
Friend: Best. Comment. Ever.
I would pray that if my son came to me, my response wouldn’t be that different. Except, I would tell him that I’m still incredibly proud to call myself his dad.
This is a very encouraging forum on this topic.
I am a 27 year old man, who has such a desire to rebuild my relationship with God. When I was 18 I publicly confessed my love for Christ. 4 years later, I left my church due to the fact that some found out I was gay. The years to follow, I slowly distanced myself from my God. I was growing distant because I felt unworthy of a relationship with God, because I was gay. The church gave me that mind set.
Now I find myself trying to overcome past experience, so that I can regain my close relationship with God. I know there are some AMAZING Christ lovers out there who understand, but for me I have the mid-west new testament conservative church experience ingrained in my head. I am getting in my own way of my relationship. For me, It was harder to come out to my Christian friends (Only 1 knows) then to my family and friends.
What resources are leaders using to deal with this issue in their communities of believers? Are people who love God and His word ready to shepherd and pour into the young people of the church. I feel that if I did, I would be able to understand my role in the body of Christ.
Extravagant Love
J
I’ll quote my mom. “Son, I know and I still love you, just the way you are.”
best words a son or daughter could here.
Los, I just went through this on wednesday night with my 14 yr old step-son. I have been with his mother since he was 18 mos old. It really wasnt much of a shock. Being a Christian, I do not agree with homosexuality, but I also try to use logic and be rational. I have never believed that it is a choice. And knowing my son and being around him since he was so little, we were expecting this day for a long time. I have been saved for a little over a year now and this is the first MAJOR scenario that I have had to deal with and I was proud of myself and my wife. But his mother and I just made sure that he knew how much he is loved no matter what. We are heart broken. Not because he is gay, but because we just cant fathom how difficult this is for him and we are afraid for him because of what other may think or do to him.
Good question.
Having three boys, there is a high liklihood that one of them is gay, so I think about this question (seeing the road several of my gay friends have traveled). Each one of my children is different and would likely have different needs if he said this to me.
My eldest? Would likely be nervous, unsure, maybe even embarassed or ashamed. For him, I would say, “I love you, thank you for trusting me enough to talk about this. You know that to me, love is love and I have no preference as to who you love, as long as you are happy and secure in who you are and who you are with. How do you feel about being gay?” For him, he would need reassurance that it is not a fault, just a facet of who he is – he would likely be looking for guidance in dealing with peers and knowing if it is ok or not, but it’s a delicate road to walk that I have to allow him to take the lead in where he is comfortable (to avoid shut down) – just clearing enough of a path that he knows we can walk side by side through it.
My middle? My response would be, “I know (big smile and hug). Is there someone you are interested in, or have you just been thinking about it? Do you have questions that I can help you answer? Do we need to talk about responsibilities in relationships and safe sex? (stern mommy eyes here, as we’ve gone over that stuff pretty clearly already haha) Experience and Love are amazing things – just remember that gay or straight, male or female, people’s feelings are to be valued and appreciated and I expect you to treat people well as you stay true to who you are, going down this road, or another, should you find out something else about yourself along the way.”
My youngest? He’s an Aspie and if he tells me such thing, it’s not a discussion, just an announcement of fact with no remorse or bad feelings attached (usually). So for him, it would be, “Cool. Thanks for telling me! Do you have any questions, or are you good? Let’s go grab an icecream…. did you take out the trash like I asked?”
I’d like to think that I’d be okay with it. It’d be hard for me to take it, but I couldn’t be so judgmental. We are born as sinners and we’re all victims to different kinds of sins until we are born again, through Christ’s love. Lady Gaga isn’t totally wrong when she says we are “Born This Way”, because we are. But we were not intended to live a life of any kind of sin, whether it be stealing, lying, selfishness, or sexual immorality of any kind. It’s simply the way the world can create us if we aren’t lead by the Spirit.
Carlos,
Every time I come to your blog, i always find something about homosexuality.
My kids will know right from wrong. They will know what the Bible says about sin. They will know exactly what the Bible says about sex…in extreme detail.
So, the first thing I would say is…”I love you.” I wouldn’t have to explain anything, that’s for sure. They’d already know it. I’m sure at some point I’d ask him or her why they think they’re gay, and how they feel about it.
The key here, people, is to train our children up in righteousness. Teach them the holy scriptures. I can’t tell you how many Christians I know who are adamant that the Bible doesn’t say homosexuality is a sin. It’s crazy how many “christians” think that. Of course it is.
So is looking at porn – and I was addicted to it for years. I knew it was wrong, but I was compelled to look at it. It didn’t make it right or acceptable in any way, and it took a long time for God to help me get it out of my heart and life.
The last thing I would do is yell/scream or Bible-thump. I wouldn’t need to. My kids will know their Bible. That, along with prayer and being the best example of Christ I can be, is all a parent can do.