I get very annoyed…write a tweet that goes something like this “I love when people use twitter to write passive aggressive things” then I delete it, laugh, get frustrated again and then forget about it.
Just the other day I had to confront someone about a passive aggressive thing they put up on twitter about me. Usually I let it go but this was something that came from a much deeper place and I had to confront it because it simply was not true.
I know people struggle with conflict and sometimes it is easier to express yourself from behind a wall, phone computer whatever, but it seems to only make things worse.
I’m terrible because I suck at being direct with people when I’m irritated with them. But this post reminded me of passiveaggressivenotes.com, which always cheers me up. I try to either (depending on whether or not it’s a serious situation) laugh it off or be direct (usually by asking for clarification).
That is my biggest pet peeve – probably because I tend to be so direct with people. 99% of the time I completely ignore their comments because I feel like it rewards the behavior.
Years ago I had this guy at my company who felt like he needed to send me weekly emails with an extensive list of all the things we should change/fix on the web site. After wasting tons of time and energy defending my choices someone finally gave me wise counsel. After that I would simply hit Reply and tell him “Thanks for your input.” After about 2 or 3 replies like that he quit sending them.
And thanks Brenda, I now have another web site to distract me from work – love it
if you have a relationship with the person then call them out on it and have a conversation about it. Usually passive aggressive behavior comes out of stress, feeling like they’re not being seen, afraid of being seen as weak/small so they’ll try to make you seem weak/small. Our jobs as people who live in community with others is to KINDLY, GENTLY point out when our people (friends specifically) are not being kind. Usually they just need someone to listen to them.
Disclaimer – I’m studying to be a therapist and am also in therapy, so this is a best case scenario for me. In my past, passive aggressiveness begets a passive aggressive response. Welcome to my story
As I was leaving work on Wednesday my 44 year old (I’m 26) bitter divorcee co-worker asked me “Do you ever get insecure because your boyfriend is so good looking? Like, do you ever ask why he picked you when so many girls probably like him?”
I stood there stunned and just stared at her.
Then after what felt like I died and came back to life, I said “I didn’t get the memo that I’d become such a beast!” and I left. And wanted to cry.
She’s talking about herself, not you. This is obviously her insecurity, and she likely thinks you are beautiful but that men are unreliable and non-committal and it doesn’t matter how beautiful you are a guy can still pick someone else if the opportunity is presented to him.
She thinks that people only stay with people if they have no other choice… it’s too bad.
I’ve never had a problem with being direct with people. I don’t agree with excessive “hand holding” in the real world of people over the age of 16. If you can drive a car, you can handle not being babied through life. Sure there are exceptions for people and situations, but as the general rule people just need to put on their big boy/girl breeches, fail a few times and learn to be a high functioning grown up.
Failure is apart of life. People need to learn to deal with and learn from failure. This is not what’s happening now in America.
My approach with passive agressive people is direct action. This approach probably is not the friendliest, but gets the best results, in terms of getting things done and progressing in conversation. However, there is a delicate balance to walk so that the person is not overwhelmed and shut down. Direct people also must be very careful with tone as to not come across as a hammer wielding inconsiderate a-hole. I struggle with this last part. I really try to wear love for people, not always easy.
Are we sure we know what “passive aggressive” is.. if it is just not being direct with someone and finding another way to vent, complain or address the situation then we all prolly fit in that category at some time. Signing up someone for every PETA news letter would be classified as “passive aggressive” Here is a little article that might help with defining “passive aggressive” http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2453/what-is-passive-aggressive
I find that people call other people passive aggressive when they don’t agree with them, or when they don’t want to comply with someones suggestions, recommendations, or what they tell them is wrong and needs to be changed. Much like receiving an email with recommendations from a worker with all of the things he thinks should be changed or improved then taking that email and doing nothing with it all the while saying thanks for the suggestions. Interestingly enough those are all traits of what was once called clinical passive aggressive personality disorder. Interesting
Are you married to a Jill? Or is there more than one “Matt Church” in the world?
Passive aggressive to me is when someone does something aggressive in a non-confrontational way. They usually can hide behind their behaviour and say they weren’t really complaining or weren’t really disagreeing or weren’t really doing anything that could be called out on… but in reality, they hate you and are just trying to look like they’re not bothered when they really really are.
No, My wife’s name is Kathryn. I am sure there is more than one Matt Church in the world, but there is only one me. The whole passive aggressive issue has a problem. It has been taken out of its original definition and is being used to label individuals who’s behavior mostly just irritates others, however, it is not accurate and really needs to stop in most situations.
I work in the hospitality industry, so I find that people try to use passive aggressiveness to manipulate me and other customer service-type people. Usually, I am just very direct and firm with them. Fortunately, the crap that I deal with isn’t usually personal, so I have the ability to say things like, “I have to adhere to company policy,” etc.
I have found, however, that being forced to deal with people in this manner, and be very politely direct at my job has made me much more able to do that in my personal life as well.
IF someone sends me an email that is passive-agressive, I usually print it out, walk to their office and say, “hey, am I misinterpreting this or did you mean to say….”
Or, if it is face to face – I ask “how is that working for you, that guilt trip you are trying right now? Because it’s not working on me.”
I’m kind of a confronter. If its someone I have to deal with often, i’ll tell them that there needs to be more honesty and straightforwardness if we’re going to continue.
Then I’ll sign their home address up for junk magazines.
It’s best to confront the issue and speak directly to it. It has to be done tactfully and w/o negative emotion. So if you can’t deliver the response in a positive way then wait until you’re in a better place.
RAIN IT DOWN
not well!
I get very annoyed…write a tweet that goes something like this “I love when people use twitter to write passive aggressive things” then I delete it, laugh, get frustrated again and then forget about it.
Just the other day I had to confront someone about a passive aggressive thing they put up on twitter about me. Usually I let it go but this was something that came from a much deeper place and I had to confront it because it simply was not true.
I know people struggle with conflict and sometimes it is easier to express yourself from behind a wall, phone computer whatever, but it seems to only make things worse.
I think to myself, what would Tupac say?
HAHAHA!!
I’m terrible because I suck at being direct with people when I’m irritated with them. But this post reminded me of passiveaggressivenotes.com, which always cheers me up. I try to either (depending on whether or not it’s a serious situation) laugh it off or be direct (usually by asking for clarification).
That is my biggest pet peeve – probably because I tend to be so direct with people. 99% of the time I completely ignore their comments because I feel like it rewards the behavior.
Years ago I had this guy at my company who felt like he needed to send me weekly emails with an extensive list of all the things we should change/fix on the web site. After wasting tons of time and energy defending my choices someone finally gave me wise counsel. After that I would simply hit Reply and tell him “Thanks for your input.” After about 2 or 3 replies like that he quit sending them.
And thanks Brenda, I now have another web site to distract me from work – love it
I sign them up for every PETA newsletter available, and there are many, many newsletters available.
This is genius. I’m getting so many good ideas!
if you have a relationship with the person then call them out on it and have a conversation about it. Usually passive aggressive behavior comes out of stress, feeling like they’re not being seen, afraid of being seen as weak/small so they’ll try to make you seem weak/small. Our jobs as people who live in community with others is to KINDLY, GENTLY point out when our people (friends specifically) are not being kind. Usually they just need someone to listen to them.
Disclaimer – I’m studying to be a therapist and am also in therapy, so this is a best case scenario for me. In my past, passive aggressiveness begets a passive aggressive response. Welcome to my story
As I was leaving work on Wednesday my 44 year old (I’m 26) bitter divorcee co-worker asked me “Do you ever get insecure because your boyfriend is so good looking? Like, do you ever ask why he picked you when so many girls probably like him?”
I stood there stunned and just stared at her.
Then after what felt like I died and came back to life, I said “I didn’t get the memo that I’d become such a beast!” and I left. And wanted to cry.
I wish I could be confrontational!
She’s talking about herself, not you. This is obviously her insecurity, and she likely thinks you are beautiful but that men are unreliable and non-committal and it doesn’t matter how beautiful you are a guy can still pick someone else if the opportunity is presented to him.
She thinks that people only stay with people if they have no other choice… it’s too bad.
Ugh…reading this reveals one of my many weaknesses that I was already completely aware of. Why can’t we just be honest?!?
I’ve never had a problem with being direct with people. I don’t agree with excessive “hand holding” in the real world of people over the age of 16. If you can drive a car, you can handle not being babied through life. Sure there are exceptions for people and situations, but as the general rule people just need to put on their big boy/girl breeches, fail a few times and learn to be a high functioning grown up.
Failure is apart of life. People need to learn to deal with and learn from failure. This is not what’s happening now in America.
My approach with passive agressive people is direct action. This approach probably is not the friendliest, but gets the best results, in terms of getting things done and progressing in conversation. However, there is a delicate balance to walk so that the person is not overwhelmed and shut down. Direct people also must be very careful with tone as to not come across as a hammer wielding inconsiderate a-hole. I struggle with this last part. I really try to wear love for people, not always easy.
Are we sure we know what “passive aggressive” is.. if it is just not being direct with someone and finding another way to vent, complain or address the situation then we all prolly fit in that category at some time. Signing up someone for every PETA news letter would be classified as “passive aggressive” Here is a little article that might help with defining “passive aggressive” http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2453/what-is-passive-aggressive
I find that people call other people passive aggressive when they don’t agree with them, or when they don’t want to comply with someones suggestions, recommendations, or what they tell them is wrong and needs to be changed. Much like receiving an email with recommendations from a worker with all of the things he thinks should be changed or improved then taking that email and doing nothing with it all the while saying thanks for the suggestions. Interestingly enough those are all traits of what was once called clinical passive aggressive personality disorder. Interesting
Are you married to a Jill? Or is there more than one “Matt Church” in the world?
Passive aggressive to me is when someone does something aggressive in a non-confrontational way. They usually can hide behind their behaviour and say they weren’t really complaining or weren’t really disagreeing or weren’t really doing anything that could be called out on… but in reality, they hate you and are just trying to look like they’re not bothered when they really really are.
No, My wife’s name is Kathryn. I am sure there is more than one Matt Church in the world, but there is only one me.
The whole passive aggressive issue has a problem. It has been taken out of its original definition and is being used to label individuals who’s behavior mostly just irritates others, however, it is not accurate and really needs to stop in most situations.
Try very very hard … to turn the other cheek. And pull that big fat plank out of my eye.
I work in the hospitality industry, so I find that people try to use passive aggressiveness to manipulate me and other customer service-type people. Usually, I am just very direct and firm with them. Fortunately, the crap that I deal with isn’t usually personal, so I have the ability to say things like, “I have to adhere to company policy,” etc.
I have found, however, that being forced to deal with people in this manner, and be very politely direct at my job has made me much more able to do that in my personal life as well.
Just happened yesterday at work, I waited for them to leave and then we talked about how aggravating and counter productive it was haha
IF someone sends me an email that is passive-agressive, I usually print it out, walk to their office and say, “hey, am I misinterpreting this or did you mean to say….”
Or, if it is face to face – I ask “how is that working for you, that guilt trip you are trying right now? Because it’s not working on me.”
I’m kind of a confronter. If its someone I have to deal with often, i’ll tell them that there needs to be more honesty and straightforwardness if we’re going to continue.
Then I’ll sign their home address up for junk magazines.
It’s best to confront the issue and speak directly to it. It has to be done tactfully and w/o negative emotion. So if you can’t deliver the response in a positive way then wait until you’re in a better place.