Sorry…That’s What She Said
Hey guys, while I am spending today driving through the plains of Kansas, I thought I’d have the #2 Ragamuffin in command, my assistant, Noelle, drop some bombs of wisdom on you.
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It’s time for a little estrogen up in here.
So, grab a cup of coffee, make sure all your toilet seat lids are down and let’s have a little chat, shall we?
Usually when we talk men vs. women there are lots of lists, stereotypes and very few answers on how we can meet in the middle. We hear statistics about sex drive (men want it, women don’t), communication (women want it, men don’t), emotions (women have them, men are baffled by them)…we’ve all read the lists. And I’m not here to confirm or deny any truth these lists represent. Just want to shed some light on another difference I discovered just the other day.
I called Carlos back for probably the fourth time that day hour. Before he could even say hello, I was apologizing for bugging him with more questions. (I might add that keeping his crazy schedule on schedule is a task that is not for the faint of heart.)
Me: “Hi. SORRY, but I just have to ask you one more thing…”
Carlos: “Hey, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP APOLOGIZING?!”
Me: “Oh, okay. Sorry. I mean, um….”
I got my question answered, hung up the phone and thought about what he had just said. I realized at that moment that I apologize, like A LOT. For things I have done. For things I haven’t done. For things that someone else has done. For things someone else hasn’t done. I find a way to take the blame. And, I began to notice that many women in my life do the same thing.
We live our lives apologizing. For who we are. For who we aren’t.
Is this because it’s in our nature?
Or, have we been conditioned by society to live up to expectations and be what everyone needs? Why do we live our lives with some sort of disclaimer?
One thing I have learned during my year+ of working with Carlos as his assistant, is that he is unapologetic about his authenticity.
He is real. He is who he is. And he isn’t sorry if you don’t like it.
I began to notice the same sense of unabashed living in my husband. He pastors with grace, but never shrinks back from tough conversations. He doesn’t apologize for who he is.
And then it hit me. Jesus didn’t either.
Jesus disappointed people all day long. He failed to live up to the expectations of the religious leaders. He didn’t follow the rules that society dictated. He lived unapologetically.
Why don’t I? Ladies, why do we spend our days doing damage control, keeping up appearances, and making people happy? Apologizing instead of living?
Am I the only one who struggles with this? Have you overcome it? How? Have I asked too many questions? (SORRY…wait, NO, I’m not sorry…geez, SOMEONE help me!)
Is it possible for us to remove the disclaimer, and live out both the beauty and ugly of who we actually are?
RAIN IT DOWN
We all lead fast paced lives, and the last thing we (or at least I) want to do is get in your way.
I apologize often, maybe it’s just a girl thing. I think I do it as a place filler, or maybe I do it because I’m unsure of something. But I’ve learned to work on my confidence. If I do something wrong, or if I ask too many questions, buck up buddy… at least I’m trying to get it right.
How do I continue to work on this timidity? The other day my supervisor at work said, “You need to stop taking things so personally.” After I got over taking that comment personal… I realized that it’s true. I’ve got to stop taking things so personal, I’ve got to stop worrying about what others will think or if I’m “wasting their time”. If I’m doing my job, or doing what I was told, or if I’m fixing a wrong… I’m doing what I’m supposed to do… and I don’t have to be sorry about it!
God, I love how real this blog keeps it!
It’s a hard thing, to be who we were called to be while feeling that, somehow, we’re inadequate. We’re quick to look around and realize we’re the odd ball out…we don’t look like/talk like/sound like/love like all these other women. It is so easy to let Satan dance on our heads and our parades and dictate our value. When, ya know what? I am unique. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I strive to not be malicious, love fiercely, and laugh louder than anyone else in the room. Snort when I laugh heartily (it’s not my fault).
Realizing that I am a Godly woman is something I’m still walking into. But, it says to come BOLDLY before the throne of grace. Of grace, y’all! Don’t come all coyly and shyly and timidly.
For we’ve been called to a much higher purpose than behaving within the pre-dictated norms of social graces.
Besides, well-behaved women rarely make history.
Oh wow. This is so me. I guess because I am a woman. I wonder, does it stem back to the Garden and Eve’s guilt for eating the apple first, and then asking Adam to eat it? Although they were both equally guilty, and both fell from grace, maybe it’s part of who we are. But I agree, it’s not necessary and not healthy. I know I just want everyone to be happy. I am a peacemaker. So if someone isn’t happy, I want to do something about it–even if apologizing is the only thing I can do. I’m going to be chewing on this for a while…
I think I do it a fair amount. I think for me it’s part wanting to make sure I’m polite and part I want people to like me. I don’t want people to be offended, because then they might not like me and I might not have any friends. I don’t go out of my way to try to please people by doing certain things, but I censor myself. And when I don’t, I usually apologize.
any entry beginning with “time for a little estrogen up in here” has my attention. SO TRUE. great words. we’re (women) culturally conditioned to communicate with caveats and egg-shell walking. femininity isn’t timidity. nor is gentleness hesitancy.
Omg. I LOVE this. “Femininity is not timidity. Nor is gentleness hesitancy.”
Good stuff right there.
+1 to the max! well put!
You are most definitely not alone in this! In fact, the whole apologizing what I don’t even need to be thing is something that I’ve been making a conscious effort to get under control over the past 2-3 months. It is hard! And it seriously takes a re-training of my brain to not say ‘I’m sorry’ in so many different contexts. Not to mention, that I’ve realized how numb we’ve actually become to what “I’m sorry” should actually be used for, sound like, look like and mean.
You are so not alone!!! I do this. I constantly feel this guilt for things…what I’ve done, what I haven’t done…and it’s all just a part of who I am. I have no answers about this, but I’m so thankful for this post because I want to really examine it and examine what it says about where my heart is. I want to stop the guilt and be like Jesus.
I used to do apologize a lot too, so I don’t think it’s strictly a gender thing. The Lord showed this to me a few years ago and it took quite a while to stop apologizing by default. Since then, I do stop others from apologizing (like los did with you on the phone) when one is not warranted.
Weighing in as a businesswoman, here’s the challenge. When men do their thing unapologetically they are viewed as strong and in command. When women do their thing unapologetically they are viewed as bi%#$&s. Martha Stewart is the poster child for this. Unfortunately, it is frequently women who lead the judgement charge on strong, capable women, allowing men to enjoy the “cat fight” which really amounts to women eating their own…
So true, Joan! Definitely a challenge to be bold women of integrity without apologizing for having opinions. I think it’s a balance of being both forthright with our opinions, but humble in our expression of them.
I think this is where it gets tricky, Anna. What does humility in our expression look like and how/by whom is that defined? These are cultural, spiritual and anthropological questions that we have yet to meaningfully explore together in or outside the church. An illustration from my early career comes to mind. I was the corporate spokesperson for an electric utility in New York working for a senior VP who had been brought up from the south to lead a turnaround of the nuclear power plant where I worked. His challenges were many, including how to handle the substantial cultural differences between the local employees and those who had been brought up from Georgia, Alabama and elsewhere in the south. He asked me once to explain my observation that southern and northern women communicated differently. A woman from New York, I told him, might say, “take that glass off the table” when a southern woman might say “you’re not going to leave that glass on the table, are you?” Is one more humble? More or less overtly/passively aggressive? Who decides? For some reason, men do not face the same expectations for nuance in conversation, either in content or tone/delivery. Nor do they hold one another to such expectations. Hence the false humility, propensity to apologize and interpersonal challenges among many women. Lots of important work to do here…
Dang. You are wise.
You are right. How do you handle this?? Share how you find the balance…
I wish I had the answer, metromom. There was a time when I just proceeded like men do – focus on performance and outcome and not worry about what I perceived to be the cattiness of women who had nothing better to do than to lob criticism. I’ve come to a different place since I came to Christian faith in 2003. The extremes of I-don’t-care-what-you-think bravado on the one side and I-will-work-to-appear-humble on the other have given way to allowing a transformation of heart, mind and behavior that includes overt boldness in some situations and quiet complicity in others. This is less a matter of strategy and tactics, in my opinion, and more a matter of hearing, discerning and following the leading of the Holy Spirit in all situations with a willingness to be the woman I am meant to be in each individual situation. I find this tracks with Jesus, who told his disciples to stand down when they attempted to defend him in one instance and who kicked over tables in another as the Father willed and to His glory. Of course I am not always successful. Not by a long-shot. But it is a compelling vision…
Excellent post! I really struggle with apologizing, not so much verbally (although I do plenty of that) but mentally – always feeling bad for not being enough, doing enough, doing too much, talking too loudly, not standing up for myself, offending people, blah blah blah. I get so weary of living under this constant weight of guilt. I really wish I knew how to deal with it and make it disappear, but I honestly don’t. I know logically that Jesus loves me and created me as I am, but somehow that doesn’t knowledge has trouble burrowing deep into my heart and thoughts.
oops, I meant somehow that knowledge…. (delete the word doesn’t)
working at a church, this is something i really struggled with in the beginning of my ministry. what if i make someone mad or offend them and they leave the church? but my pastor had some real wisdom in this area… it’s possible to apologize as a way of showing compassion without apologizing for your actions. with an apology like, ‘i’m really sorry you feel that way’, said and meant sincerely, i can show my compassion for people’s hurt feelings even if their problem really is THEIR problem, and not mine. i have to watch myself and make sure it’s not sarcastic, but it really helps me.
i’m sorry that you’re frustrated that our program doesn’t work for you, but that doesn’t mean i’m going to change the entire thing for your preferences.
i’m sorry that you didn’t read the (massive amounts of) information we sent and missed the event, but it’s not my responsibility to fix it.
but i’m NOT sorry that i am how i am because God made me this way, and i’m trying my best to live out this life He has given me.
so i don’t think apologizing, in and of itself, is the bad thing – it’s our attitude and how we use it.
Looks like I’m gonna stick my head out as the sacrificial male…
This was really good for me – I tend to be a people pleaser WAY too often. I am good at walking on eggshells, not demanding too much of my volunteers, calming storms before they occur… you get the picture. I truly believe God has designed me that way, but not to the extent that I don’t stand firm on core issues, brush things under the rug, or avoid the tough conversation.
The reminder that God put me in this position and has given me authority to exercise was really valuable to me today.
I think it is definitely about managing the tension and finding some balance. While I don’t think we should walk around apologizing at every turn, I can say I have learned that the word “sorry” is one of the greatest tools in my bag. It disarms. It shows ownership. It shows care and concern. However, when it bleeds over into hyper ‘pologizin’ mode, it loses its value and just becomes another word and an awkward display of confidence lacking. So… yes. Let’s stop apologizing so much, so that when we actually do… it means something.
Jesus lived unapologetic, but he also lived sinless. May we learn to own our messes, while never apologizing for who we were created to be.
noelle,
love this post as i’m a chronic apologizer! i apologize for things that aren’t even related to me.
thanks for making me think!
#1 – Please tell me you have a blog of your own because you’re a great writer.
#2 – As a former executive admin for at large corporation I simultaneously feel your pain and yet can not imagine what it would be like to manage Carlos’ schedule.
#3 – I used to be a prolific apologizer until someone called me on the carpet for not meaning it. I’m really good at apologizing, but there is a way to do it well (found that nugget in the book REWORK).
I think you have some great insight on this. I think many women (and some men too) don’t even realize they are doing it as much as they do. I think a lot of people who are people pleasers tend to do it because they don’t want anyone to think anything bad about them whatsoever, so they apologize even when none is needed.
At some point we all have to realize that we can’t please everybody all the time. Not that we have to be rude or uncaring, but we can’t take all the blame for everything upon ourselves.
Oh my gosh, I’m so glad it’s not just me! This was a great read and really good food for thought. Thanks for posting this Carlos!
Oh, and thanks Noelle too
Right on. Live your life. Tweeted and FB’D this one.
Noelle, you are my favorite person alive.